Affiar - was it worth it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Sex with married men is amazing. They are like caged animals unleashed for a brief respite."

Yup.

Yeah, but having to listen to them drone on afterwards about how bad their marriages are, how good the sex was with me, or how guilty they feel -- usually all of the above -- can be so annoying. They are truly pathetic creatures.

No, the truly parhetic creatures are the women who enable them. At least hookers and escorts get paid, what is your motivation?

Look, I admit I'm damaged. Father who cheated. Husband who cheated. Years and years of therapy. I thought I was cursed, until it dawned on me that it is in a male's DNA. I'm not proud of having sex with married men. I know it's wrong on many levels. But I also see it as exposing hypocrisy and truth. So many of these married men live a lie. How easy it is to expose them (in both a literal and figurative way).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hot, monkey sex, what else?

If this is your approach then why not just hang up a red light outside your door and start charging, becasue the only difference between you and the woman on the streets giving $20 blow jobs is that she is actually being honest with herself about what she is.

Wow! Are you really this stupid?

Look when even HS guys call or text girl[s] that they have zero relationship with [no regular slampiece, no FWB, no hook-ups, no dating] and they meet-up [at party or just for sex] and do it even outside --- then what would you call it?

[Anonymous]

If you feel you need to have an affair then something is seriously wrong with your marriage. If your marriage is so seriously broken that you think you need to have an affair, what you really need is a divorce.

Affairs are cheap and sleazy. Affairs afford individuals opportunities to be unfaithful while still providing themselves with all of the financial and emotional securities of marriage.

Don't be cheap, cunning and duplicitous. Be responsible enough to take responsibility for your actions. If you want to have an affair, first separate from your spouse and experience the accompanying loneliness that often time comes with the dating scene. Then you'll have earned the right to date outside of your marriage.

If you are willing to pay the real price of adultery, then fine, do it. But, if you do it while still enjoying all of the perks of marriage it is cheap, cowardly, tawdry, and despicable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But stop feeling guilty, OP. You do not have a moral obligation to the wife you've never met: any moral breach is on his part, and is his problem. You didn't marry his wife-- he did. Just take care of yourself and keep your expectations low.

I totally believe that the married cheating man carries the full blame of the infidelity, but to say to yourself that you "have no moral obligation to the wife" is just wrong and self-justifying.

The wife is another human being and you have a "moral obligation" to her just as you would to any other human being to try to carry yourself in a way that doesn't hurt others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you feel you need to have an affair then something is seriously wrong with your marriage. If your marriage is so seriously broken that you think you need to have an affair, what you really need is a divorce.

Affairs are cheap and sleazy. Affairs afford individuals opportunities to be unfaithful while still providing themselves with all of the financial and emotional securities of marriage.

Don't be cheap, cunning and duplicitous. Be responsible enough to take responsibility for your actions. If you want to have an affair, first separate from your spouse and experience the accompanying loneliness that often time comes with the dating scene. Then you'll have earned the right to date outside of your marriage.

If you are willing to pay the real price of adultery, then fine, do it. But, if you do it while still enjoying all of the perks of marriage it is cheap, cowardly, tawdry, and despicable.

Divorce is expensive, complicated, and very painful when children are involved. I agree, not everything is black and white. And I've never been cheated or been cheated on, and don't intend to.

The righteousness of some of these bitter women makes me . . . sad.

[Anonymous]

OP here - it's officially over. And was it worth it, the short time it lasted ? NOPE!

It was a very emotional whirlwind, with lots of high hopes and nothing but disappointment and sadness. I know that for those of you who think that women who have affairs with married men are nothing but home-wrecking sluts many of us aren't - we are women with feelings just like you who happen to get caught up in a very slippery slope. In my case, it was with someone who I had a past with and have always had feelings for and just hoped that this time it would work. I did not pursue him, it was the other way around and I was flattered, excited and hopeful. I know what I did was wrong, but for me I had to take the chance to see and in the end, I am sad, emoitinally exhausted, confused and disappointed. It was probably one of the hardest things I have been involved in becuase I was emotionally involved as well as physically. I still have feelings for him and know that I can not see him again - I don't think that we can be "just friends" and me be okay with that. Which makes me more sad than than not having sex with him. We have been friends for a very long time, more friends than lovers and I will miss him as a friend. But for now - that is not possible.

My advice to those of you thinking about having an affair or in an affair - be prepared for an emotionally journey of all kinds of feelings: regret, insecurity, jealously, heartache, excitement, sleepless nights, good sex, laughs, tears, confusion, etc. As somoene who has personally experienced being a participant in an affair I just don't see how any good comes from it unless you can keep it just as sex and nothing more. Do not get emotionally involved with him becuase you will be heartbroken.

I read an article online about why men cheat and never leave their wives and it was the one article that really made sense to me. It said that an affair to a man is much like a vacation. When we go on vacation, we are excited to get away from the everyday issues and relax - leave it all behind. We have a great week, are happy with no problems. By the end of the week of vacation we head home and while we had a great time we are glad to be back in the comforts of our own home and regular schudule. Well that is how an affiar is to a man - great sex, away from all the every day crap and wife who may "nag" him, 100 % into you becuase he is "on vacation" but he will never stay on vacation - he will go home to comfort and what he knows. He has the best of both worlds - vacation and home on a regular basis.

Everyday for me is a different emotion, some days I feel really strong and glad that it is over, some days I am so sad I cry several times a day. I do wonder what he is doing and if he thinks of me, but I am slowly stopping those thoughts and feel more strong than weak.

I want to thank all of you who shared their experiences and did not judge - it was helpful I have wonderful friends (some married and they did not judge) who have been so supportive and helpful during this but I think it also helped to vent as a strangers to strangers.

PS please forgive any typos!

[Anonymous]

And this is why sex is so important in relationships. To give and to take even if you aren't in the mood. Sick, there is no point in being married once you get to this point.

[Anonymous]

OP - it is SICK that you are so twisted with the past with a guy who is wrong for you. You are re-enacting the failures of your parents' relationship, trying to fix your father, or whatever - but it should be of no relevance now, because it is a MIND GAME and not REAL, like COMMITTED LOVE is. If you are living that deeply in the past, despite a husband now, get therapy NOW. If you have kids, double that prescription, or prepare to lose them.

[Anonymous]

To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - it is SICK that you are so twisted with the past with a guy who is wrong for you. You are re-enacting the failures of your parents' relationship, trying to fix your father, or whatever - but it should be of no relevance now, because it is a MIND GAME and not REAL, like COMMITTED LOVE is. If you are living that deeply in the past, despite a husband now, get therapy NOW. If you have kids, double that prescription, or prepare to lose them.

Wow - sounds like you have some deep anger issues that you could go to therapy for. Did you even read the entire thread - she's a widow. And it is not uncommon for people to have deep feelings for people from their past (see other posts in this thread) - in fact it is quite common. And I think she is saying he is wrong for her and she ended it and you are still crucifying her! I'm assunming you have been cheated on or else you wouldn't be so full of anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

You sound like a douche...man-up and pick what you want. Is it in or out Fido?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

You sound like a douche...man-up and pick what you want. Is it in or out Fido?

He does sound like a tool. Adventurous sounds like a code word for perv. Is this the type of guy who preys on emotionally vulnerable widows or does he stick to randhos similar to himself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

Bullshit! Unless your wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her and you have tried to address this with her then you are just coming up with another lame excuse. If there was a sex act that you enjoyed while single do not marry someone who is unwilling to do it, and then complain and cheat after the fact. If there is anything that I hate more than men who cheat are the ones who blame everyone but themselves. Grow a pair and be a man!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

Bullshit! Unless your wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her and you have tried to address this with her then you are just coming up with another lame excuse. If there was a sex act that you enjoyed while single do not marry someone who is unwilling to do it, and then complain and cheat after the fact. If there is anything that I hate more than men who cheat are the ones who blame everyone but themselves. Grow a pair and be a man!!

A different DH here:

Have my wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her? Drastically! For the first years of our marriage we had sex frequently, now we're down to twice per month if I'm lucky.
Do I love her? Yes. Would I divorce her over lack of sex? NO WAY!
I masturbate 5 times a week, and over the past decade I've gone to hookers exactly 3 times, when I just could not bear it any more.
Now which do you think is the more just result - that my wife and I divorce because of my 3 transgression? Or that, were she to find out, she should forgive my 3 transgressions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the wives out there - I am a married man with children. Basically happy with my wife, but I have a powerful sex drive and am a lot more adventurous than my spouse. I think it's a bore to masturbate all the time and have dabbled with a couple of women. Am I proud - no. But sex is important and I don;t want to leave my wife. I follow strict rules to prevent emotional entanglements, but I need an outlet.

Bullshit! Unless your wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her and you have tried to address this with her then you are just coming up with another lame excuse. If there was a sex act that you enjoyed while single do not marry someone who is unwilling to do it, and then complain and cheat after the fact. If there is anything that I hate more than men who cheat are the ones who blame everyone but themselves. Grow a pair and be a man!!

A different DH here:

Have my wife's sexual habits have changed since you met her? Drastically! For the first years of our marriage we had sex frequently, now we're down to twice per month if I'm lucky.
Do I love her? Yes. Would I divorce her over lack of sex? NO WAY!
I masturbate 5 times a week, and over the past decade I've gone to hookers exactly 3 times, when I just could not bear it any more.
Now which do you think is the more just result - that my wife and I divorce because of my 3 transgression? Or that, were she to find out, she should forgive my 3 transgressions?

I am calling bullshit again because you have not addressed the second part of the equation, which is, have to addressed the issue with her, have you talked about the lack of frequency, have you tried counseling. Are you lying around just waiting for her to jump you or are you doing what you can to create the right environment for lots of sex (like helping with the kids and the housework, if any)?