Worried for my friend—could this be grooming?

[Anonymous]

My No. 1 concern would be preschoolers riding on a golf cart with him. With anyone, really. No way to know if he thinks it's fun to let them ride unbelted -- do those carts even have belts to begin with? -- because "it's just a cart and mom doesn't need to know," etc. Not great vehicles for such small kids, with a driver who may or may not have the best vision or reaction time. And yes, even in "just" a golf cart, even if they are not on any actual roadway, he needs to have decent reaction time and vision. If my friend were close, I'd mention that aspect to her about sending the kids off alone with him on the cart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in his 80's for pete's sake. I think you are projecting your own mental issues onto this poor man.

Literally JUST dealt with an 80 year old pervert on the metro. Perverts do not stop being perverts just because they’re old.

This is not some city pervert. This is an old guy who has urges to garden. Most men that old don't even have prostates anymore. I'd be more worried he'd die of a heart attack or stroke while driving the golf cart.

Well, this post managed to stereotype cities negatively (bad! full of pervs!) and by association, the countryside, positively (wholesome! no pervs..or fewer maybe!) and older men (no prostate, no worries!). I'm guessing you never knew any "country perverts," PP. They do exist. And having an urge to garden does not obviate an urge to do...other things.

I don't see the pedophile angle here as especially strong re: OP's concerns. But PP's post above is just such a broad stereotype it needs calling out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in his 80's for pete's sake. I think you are projecting your own mental issues onto this poor man.

Literally JUST dealt with an 80 year old pervert on the metro. Perverts do not stop being perverts just because they’re old.

This is not some city pervert. This is an old guy who has urges to garden. Most men that old don't even have prostates anymore. I'd be more worried he'd die of a heart attack or stroke while driving the golf cart.

So there are no sex offenders in the country? That’s absurd.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a lot of the “you have anxiety” and “he’s just nice” posters are men and sex offenders themselves - gaslighting mothers to make them feel rude or paranoid for taking reasonable precautions to protect their children.

JFC. No wonder so many kids these days have anxiety if this is what their parents instill in them. You have completely lost your mind.

You must be new to the internet. You never know who you’re really talking to.

People playing without a full deck of cards is who I am talking to. You, for one and all the rest of the loons on this thread.

Who you’re talking to is someone who has two friends molested by a stepfather or family “friend” and a DC with a friend who developed an online friendship with a man pretending to be a young girl. Their parents weren’t awful, negligent people: they just didn’t know.

You are unbelievably naive about people and the internet, yes.

You're still a few cards shy of a full deck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in his 80's for pete's sake. I think you are projecting your own mental issues onto this poor man.

Literally JUST dealt with an 80 year old pervert on the metro. Perverts do not stop being perverts just because they’re old.

This is not some city pervert. This is an old guy who has urges to garden. Most men that old don't even have prostates anymore. I'd be more worried he'd die of a heart attack or stroke while driving the golf cart.

So there are no sex offenders in the country? That’s absurd.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a lot of the “you have anxiety” and “he’s just nice” posters are men and sex offenders themselves - gaslighting mothers to make them feel rude or paranoid for taking reasonable precautions to protect their children.

JFC. No wonder so many kids these days have anxiety if this is what their parents instill in them. You have completely lost your mind.

You must be new to the internet. You never know who you’re really talking to.

People playing without a full deck of cards is who I am talking to. You, for one and all the rest of the loons on this thread.

Who you’re talking to is someone who has two friends molested by a stepfather or family “friend” and a DC with a friend who developed an online friendship with a man pretending to be a young girl. Their parents weren’t awful, negligent people: they just didn’t know.

You are unbelievably naive about people and the internet, yes.

You're still a few cards shy of a full deck.

You’re a teenage troll. And maybe someone who shouldn’t be around children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My No. 1 concern would be preschoolers riding on a golf cart with him. With anyone, really. No way to know if he thinks it's fun to let them ride unbelted -- do those carts even have belts to begin with? -- because "it's just a cart and mom doesn't need to know," etc. Not great vehicles for such small kids, with a driver who may or may not have the best vision or reaction time. And yes, even in "just" a golf cart, even if they are not on any actual roadway, he needs to have decent reaction time and vision. If my friend were close, I'd mention that aspect to her about sending the kids off alone with him on the cart.

You'd actually have a leg to stand on with this argument. Golf carts are not safe for preschoolers unless they're wearing a seatbelt or in a carseat. I am the furthest from the car seat police but I wouldn't let a 3 year old in one without a carseat. Yes, you can put carseats in them. People use street legal golf carts to pick up their kids from school where I live and many have carseats in them. I wouldn't want an 80 year old driving my young kids in a golf cart, or even car for that matter.

My own kid (teen) has been thrown out of golf cart twice. You can get some serious injuries from golf carts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in his 80's for pete's sake. I think you are projecting your own mental issues onto this poor man.

Literally JUST dealt with an 80 year old pervert on the metro. Perverts do not stop being perverts just because they’re old.

This is not some city pervert. This is an old guy who has urges to garden. Most men that old don't even have prostates anymore. I'd be more worried he'd die of a heart attack or stroke while driving the golf cart.

So there are no sex offenders in the country? That’s absurd.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if a lot of the “you have anxiety” and “he’s just nice” posters are men and sex offenders themselves - gaslighting mothers to make them feel rude or paranoid for taking reasonable precautions to protect their children.

JFC. No wonder so many kids these days have anxiety if this is what their parents instill in them. You have completely lost your mind.

You must be new to the internet. You never know who you’re really talking to.

People playing without a full deck of cards is who I am talking to. You, for one and all the rest of the loons on this thread.

Who you’re talking to is someone who has two friends molested by a stepfather or family “friend” and a DC with a friend who developed an online friendship with a man pretending to be a young girl. Their parents weren’t awful, negligent people: they just didn’t know.

You are unbelievably naive about people and the internet, yes.

You're still a few cards shy of a full deck.

You’re a teenage troll. And maybe someone who shouldn’t be around children.

I'm crushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a totally normal interaction with an elderly neighbor who was probably bored out of his gourd until this kind woman and her kids showed up is now "grooming"? Come on, 99.9% of people are NOT sexual predators. Stop living your life in fear, you'll be much happier.

Your head is buried so deep it must be halfway to China.

No you’ve been brainwashed by media hype. Pp is right, less than 5% of adults are child abusers and sadly 40% or abusers are other adolescents. Not worth it to live your life in fear. Teach your kids to be firm about body boundaries but not to live in fear of everyone.

I am hardly brainwashed by media, poster. I am a former prosecutor of sex crimes against both adults and children. I’ve had thousands of hours of training and experience in the field. It is insanity to allege that only .1% of people are sexual predators given the prevalence of victims of sexual predation - child and adult victims alike. A very tiny fraction of the cases that occur are ever reported and an even tinier fraction ever get charged and see the inside of a courtroom, but sexual abuse of children and adults is EPIDEMIC in this society. Anyone asserting otherwise is naive in the extreme - or maybe doth protest too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a totally normal interaction with an elderly neighbor who was probably bored out of his gourd until this kind woman and her kids showed up is now "grooming"? Come on, 99.9% of people are NOT sexual predators. Stop living your life in fear, you'll be much happier.

Your head is buried so deep it must be halfway to China.

No you’ve been brainwashed by media hype. Pp is right, less than 5% of adults are child abusers and sadly 40% or abusers are other adolescents. Not worth it to live your life in fear. Teach your kids to be firm about body boundaries but not to live in fear of everyone.

I am hardly brainwashed by media, poster. I am a former prosecutor of sex crimes against both adults and children. I’ve had thousands of hours of training and experience in the field. It is insanity to allege that only .1% of people are sexual predators given the prevalence of victims of sexual predation - child and adult victims alike. A very tiny fraction of the cases that occur are ever reported and an even tinier fraction ever get charged and see the inside of a courtroom, but sexual abuse of children and adults is EPIDEMIC in this society. Anyone asserting otherwise is naive in the extreme - or maybe doth protest too much.

+1. Police also believe everyone is a criminal because everyone they meet is a criminal. /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My H is a child abuse investigator and predators definitely look for single women with young children. They also try to separate the moms from the kids... go shopping I'll watch the kids, I'll take the kids to the movie you need a break, etc.

she's not going to listen to you because like the women on this thread most people live in lalaland where nice old men befriend little kids because they are kind.

In the real world people sexually molest infants and young children at a very high rate and they target single women with young children.

I'd say, "I'm worried that the kids are not safe alone with him." Then leave it alone.

At a very high rate??

https://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/childsexualabuse/fastfact.html

“About 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys in the United States experience child sexual abuse.”

Is that high enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's in his 80's for pete's sake. I think you are projecting your own mental issues onto this poor man.

Literally JUST dealt with an 80 year old pervert on the metro. Perverts do not stop being perverts just because they’re old.

This is not some city pervert. This is an old guy who has urges to garden. Most men that old don't even have prostates anymore. I'd be more worried he'd die of a heart attack or stroke while driving the golf cart.

Who can say for sure? The posters who are being accused of crippling anxiety and being brainwashed by media are not saying this guy is guilty of anything. They are saying that you can’t be sure of anyone’s intentions, especially after only knowing them for a few months. OP said her friend moved over the winter, so this friendship is brand new.

[Anonymous]

Of course a parent should keep an eye out, but this could be and sounds like a sweet friendship. We have a neighbor who has formed a friendship with my daughter from early on. An older woman who enjoys the energy of a little girl. They walk the dog together and work in the garden together. It's been going on for years....she's like an aunt to her.

This sounds different only because it's a man. It's nice for kids to learn to talk to adults and look out for older people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, a totally normal interaction with an elderly neighbor who was probably bored out of his gourd until this kind woman and her kids showed up is now "grooming"? Come on, 99.9% of people are NOT sexual predators. Stop living your life in fear, you'll be much happier.

Your head is buried so deep it must be halfway to China.

No you’ve been brainwashed by media hype. Pp is right, less than 5% of adults are child abusers and sadly 40% or abusers are other adolescents. Not worth it to live your life in fear. Teach your kids to be firm about body boundaries but not to live in fear of everyone.

I am hardly brainwashed by media, poster. I am a former prosecutor of sex crimes against both adults and children. I’ve had thousands of hours of training and experience in the field. It is insanity to allege that only .1% of people are sexual predators given the prevalence of victims of sexual predation - child and adult victims alike. A very tiny fraction of the cases that occur are ever reported and an even tinier fraction ever get charged and see the inside of a courtroom, but sexual abuse of children and adults is EPIDEMIC in this society. Anyone asserting otherwise is naive in the extreme - or maybe doth protest too much.

+1. Police also believe everyone is a criminal because everyone they meet is a criminal. /s

I’m not like that, actually. I come from a place of nonjudgmental compassion and have a lot of sympathy for abusers because most of them were abused themselves. I don’t excuse them whatsoever, but unlike a lot of people in the criminal justice system especially on the side of the state, I do not automatically see scum and guilty people everywhere I look. I have the capacity to see all the shades of grey and believe me, it is painful - I would almost rather be willfully ignorant because such folks seem much more self assured in life.

I grew up in dysfunction and was molested repeatedly in my youth - by a neighbor dad who used to like putting his fingers inside my swimsuit and inside my vagina whenever I was in his swimming pool with all the other neighbor kids. Some predators really get off on the ability to molest kids in the presence of lots of other kids and/or their own parents. There was also the stranger who molested me on the school playground where I was playing wall ball after school - that was a one off - and the adolescent brother of a friend who molested us both at the same time during a visit to her house one summer. Couple those experiences with an abusive father who said the nastiest things about girls and what they were good for and it’s no surprise to me that I ended up losing my virginity via date rape by a guy I later ended up dating (a la Luke & Laura) and a great deal more dysfunction in my intimate relationships and experiences my whole life, really. I take child molestation very seriously because I know it destroys lives. Most of the molesters get off with zero accountability and most of the victims struggle to heal forever.

When I went to work in the system I was shocked by what I learned about the statistics on abuse and how widespread - epidemic - it really is. Given all that has been revealed in recent decades about the longstanding abuse of thousands upon thousands of kids in churches, schools, scout troops, athletics, etc. I can’t really understand the comments here blowing off the OP’s concerns about the potential for harm coming to her friend’s kids. Responding with outrage as though OP is mentally disturbed is beyond the pale - OP displays the healthy concern of a person who has been PAYING ATTENTION.

[Anonymous]

And yet again and again there are parents who let their children go off with stranger women who statistically are more likely to physically abuse kids.

Shame shame shame

[Anonymous]

I’m so sad for society that people like OP exist. Such suspicion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And yet again and again there are parents who let their children go off with stranger women who statistically are more likely to physically abuse kids.

Shame shame shame

Oh really? Please share your statistics, poster.