Good friend canceled on us to be with her SO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She definitely handled it poorly and double booked. She’s also in the start of a romance. I think we can all relate to what that feels like. I would be annoyed but, I would also cut her slack. Go to New York, and have fun and maybe stay at a cheap hotel.

She is not “in the start of a romance.” They’ve been on and off for 3 years. Frankly doesn’t seem like much of a relationship to me. OP’s friend sounds like a doormat.

I know I said I don’t like him but my friend isn’t a doormat. He is absolutely crazy about her. In fact, I know he loves her more than she loves him but I told her the first day I met him that I didn’t like him and have made no bones about it. We were at her cousin’s wedding and a guest asked her about her boyfriend and I let the guest know she could do much better. She got mad at me and said it wasn’t my business to tell other people but I wanted her to know how I felt.

WOW. Just wow. You are really a terrible friend. It's one thing to share with your friend - it's another to go around broadcasting to anyone that will listen how much you despise him and how she can do "better". You sound like a hater and jealous or miserable all around. Your friend should drop you instead of the BF. She does deserve better - a better friend.

It sounds worse than it actually was. Her other cousin brought his new girlfriend. It was our first time meeting her so we were chatting with her for a ver long time and I think I just got a little too comfortable. We were drinking the and the girlfriend is very very easy to talk to. So the girlfriend turned to my friend and said she looked smitten to which she said she was and then asked if my friend wanted to marry him. My friend said yes, they were in couples therapy to iron out conflicting communication styles but still wanted to get married. When she brought up them going to therapy I said, “Finally. It’s taken him years to get there. I told her she can do better than him”. After we left she said she was that sure I didn’t mean to do it maliciously but it wasn’t my place and it was her business and that she never judged me for who I’ve dated. I told her I knew that I messed up but I just wanted the best for her and for her to tell me if the tables were turned. She said no, she wouldn’t and hadn’t when I was with my ex who admittedly was terrible. She said she would want me to always feel like I could come to her and not be judged, then reiterated she wouldn’t have done what I did. I apologized and moved on from it and continued to have a good night.

OP, since that wedding, have you told your friend that you don't like her boyfriend?

No, I haven’t. Why do you ask?

I was curious because, if you didn't respect her position/boundary on this, I can see her wanting to pull back from you generally, which might have been a part of her decision to bail on the weekend.

I think that this was a situation where, because of bad weather luck and some poor planning on your friend's part, she ended up in a position where she would either have to disappoint her BF or her friends, and what probably tipped the scales is that 1) she sees her bf more regularly than she sees you, 2) her money was on the line, and 3) going to a lake house is more fun than hosting friends on a rainy weekend. So, I would say she didn't exactly cover herself in glory here, but if it's really not like her, then I'd probably roll my eyes internally and give her a pass. Yes, she behaved kind of selfishly, but you're not her mom, and you can let some things slide.

(You guys might want to think about how often you use her apartment as a crash pad, and whether she ever gets to be the guest instead of the host. Just FYI.)

[Anonymous]

I haven’t followed this whole thread, but my take is that the friend offered to host OP and the other friend and used the weather as an excuse to cancel when BF invited her to lake house on same weekend. That’s it. OP’s irritated. I would be too. Everyone will settle down and OP will return friend’s call when she’s ready, as is reasonable. Friend will go to lake and this “on/off” relationship will eventually fall apart as most of that type do. Life will go on for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Very high school of her, tbh

[Anonymous]

As a former NYer, you wanted to travel to NYC and do a picnic, or stay in the house? That sounds like a lame weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She definitely handled it poorly and double booked. She’s also in the start of a romance. I think we can all relate to what that feels like. I would be annoyed but, I would also cut her slack. Go to New York, and have fun and maybe stay at a cheap hotel.

She is not “in the start of a romance.” They’ve been on and off for 3 years. Frankly doesn’t seem like much of a relationship to me. OP’s friend sounds like a doormat.

I know I said I don’t like him but my friend isn’t a doormat. He is absolutely crazy about her. In fact, I know he loves her more than she loves him but I told her the first day I met him that I didn’t like him and have made no bones about it. We were at her cousin’s wedding and a guest asked her about her boyfriend and I let the guest know she could do much better. She got mad at me and said it wasn’t my business to tell other people but I wanted her to know how I felt.

Oh I had some empathy for you but now none

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She definitely handled it poorly and double booked. She’s also in the start of a romance. I think we can all relate to what that feels like. I would be annoyed but, I would also cut her slack. Go to New York, and have fun and maybe stay at a cheap hotel.

She is not “in the start of a romance.” They’ve been on and off for 3 years. Frankly doesn’t seem like much of a relationship to me. OP’s friend sounds like a doormat.

I know I said I don’t like him but my friend isn’t a doormat. He is absolutely crazy about her. In fact, I know he loves her more than she loves him but I told her the first day I met him that I didn’t like him and have made no bones about it. We were at her cousin’s wedding and a guest asked her about her boyfriend and I let the guest know she could do much better. She got mad at me and said it wasn’t my business to tell other people but I wanted her to know how I felt.

WOW. Just wow. You are really a terrible friend. It's one thing to share with your friend - it's another to go around broadcasting to anyone that will listen how much you despise him and how she can do "better". You sound like a hater and jealous or miserable all around. Your friend should drop you instead of the BF. She does deserve better - a better friend.

It sounds worse than it actually was. Her other cousin brought his new girlfriend. It was our first time meeting her so we were chatting with her for a ver long time and I think I just got a little too comfortable. We were drinking the and the girlfriend is very very easy to talk to. So the girlfriend turned to my friend and said she looked smitten to which she said she was and then asked if my friend wanted to marry him. My friend said yes, they were in couples therapy to iron out conflicting communication styles but still wanted to get married. When she brought up them going to therapy I said, “Finally. It’s taken him years to get there. I told her she can do better than him”. After we left she said she was that sure I didn’t mean to do it maliciously but it wasn’t my place and it was her business and that she never judged me for who I’ve dated. I told her I knew that I messed up but I just wanted the best for her and for her to tell me if the tables were turned. She said no, she wouldn’t and hadn’t when I was with my ex who admittedly was terrible. She said she would want me to always feel like I could come to her and not be judged, then reiterated she wouldn’t have done what I did. I apologized and moved on from it and continued to have a good night.

OP, since that wedding, have you told your friend that you don't like her boyfriend?

No, I haven’t. Why do you ask?

I was curious because, if you didn't respect her position/boundary on this, I can see her wanting to pull back from you generally, which might have been a part of her decision to bail on the weekend.

I think that this was a situation where, because of bad weather luck and some poor planning on your friend's part, she ended up in a position where she would either have to disappoint her BF or her friends, and what probably tipped the scales is that 1) she sees her bf more regularly than she sees you, 2) her money was on the line, and 3) going to a lake house is more fun than hosting friends on a rainy weekend. So, I would say she didn't exactly cover herself in glory here, but if it's really not like her, then I'd probably roll my eyes internally and give her a pass. Yes, she behaved kind of selfishly, but you're not her mom, and you can let some things slide.

(You guys might want to think about how often you use her apartment as a crash pad, and whether she ever gets to be the guest instead of the host. Just FYI.)

Curios, how was this selfish? You pointed out that she was going to have to disappoint someone due to reasons out of her control so what could she have down to not be selfish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very high school of her, tbh

After how OP treated the friend she’s lucky the friend even decided to host her to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Issue at hand aside I think it’s kind of crappy on the group that she’s always the person who has to host. That gets exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

NP - the trip was supposed to start later. Moreover, she was hosting her *friends* FFS, not her in-laws or her spouse’s creepy boss or whomever. “Nothing to do but host people”? Is that how you really think of a girls’ weekend?

The number of assumptions many PPs are making is pretty staggering, even for DCUM. If you have low expectations of your friends, you won’t have very good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

NP - the trip was supposed to start later. Moreover, she was hosting her *friends* FFS, not her in-laws or her spouse’s creepy boss or whomever. “Nothing to do but host people”? Is that how you really think of a girls’ weekend?

The number of assumptions many PPs are making is pretty staggering, even for DCUM. If you have low expectations of your friends, you won’t have very good friends.

Fine, she was hosting her FRIENDS. Happy now?

Again, not a better offer of the trip was already planned and paid for but the dates changed due do unforeseen circumstances. Not that I have low expectations of my friends but realistic. OP said she chimed in and told her friend they could just stay in the house. Why would I even want to drive hours to go be in a house and do nothing anyways? Why would I want my friend to forgo a paid trip for us to inside and braid each others hair. What I would want is to reschedule so we could do something instead of being stuck in the house anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

The “better offer” was to head to the lake house early (Friday or Saturday instead of Sunday as originally planned). Yeah I know - a third party changed the dates without consulting her first - doesn’t change the basic fact that she bailed for a better offer. We can all debate whether that choice was reasonable or the same one we would have made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

NP - the trip was supposed to start later. Moreover, she was hosting her *friends* FFS, not her in-laws or her spouse’s creepy boss or whomever. “Nothing to do but host people”? Is that how you really think of a girls’ weekend?

The number of assumptions many PPs are making is pretty staggering, even for DCUM. If you have low expectations of your friends, you won’t have very good friends.

Fine, she was hosting her FRIENDS. Happy now?

Again, not a better offer of the trip was already planned and paid for but the dates changed due do unforeseen circumstances. Not that I have low expectations of my friends but realistic. OP said she chimed in and told her friend they could just stay in the house. Why would I even want to drive hours to go be in a house and do nothing anyways? Why would I want my friend to forgo a paid trip for us to inside and braid each others hair. What I would want is to reschedule so we could do something instead of being stuck in the house anyways.

So why didn’t OP’s friend say “ so sorry, paid-for plans changed unexpectedly, need to reschedule girls weekend” instead of passy-assy sending screenshots of the weather?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If my friends get pissy about a change in plans, let alone an understandable one, then our friendship is worth nothing. And obviously this doesn't include higher stake things that include booked flights, hotels etc. A cancellation there is a different matter.

+1. I don’t know if because I’m more of the “low maintenance” friend and or because I fully expect my friendships to take a backseat to serious relationships as we get older I don’t see the big deal? This sounds like a one off and nothing was planned or paid for, and it’s not the day off or night before that she canceled so what’s the big fuss?

Nah, ditching friends for a bf is middle and high school behavior. I totally get that the lake house weekend sounds more enticing than hosting girlfriends for a rainy weekend at home, but when you make plans with people you care about, you don’t bail because something better comes along.

She didn’t have a better offer if she was already set to go on the trip. So she was supposed to ditch plans with another person she cared about to sit at home with nothing to do but host people?

The “better offer” was to head to the lake house early (Friday or Saturday instead of Sunday as originally planned). Yeah I know - a third party changed the dates without consulting her first - doesn’t change the basic fact that she bailed for a better offer. We can all debate whether that choice was reasonable or the same one we would have made.

Okay. Bail on her boyfriend and have someone else/other people eat the cost to confer the difference that everyone pitched in to rent the lake house. Like I said earlier she was d*mned either way for reasons outside of her control.