Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

Sure, sure they can. And they'll resent each other even more than they do over this one petty little incident. They're keeping score already. Just wait until the scores include who does the most drives to activities or who has to volunteer at a school event "because it's YOUR turn and don't care if you're running late getting home from work!"

In my experience the only people who advise against scorekeeping are 1) people who take advantage and 2) people who enable them. It’s actually fine to do some measure of “scorekeeping” in the form of making sure things are equitable.

The faster path to resentment is to refuse to be clear eyed about the equitable division of labor.

[Anonymous]

Stay strong, OP. All you did was say that you weren’t available to give dd lunch. Your husband didn’t show up with a fever or migraine. He was tired at noon. His response was to send a petty text. He’s ridiculous. Be glad he’s going away for a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

Sure, but they don't seem to have any methods or channels to address it.

[Anonymous]

What is he tired FROM?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is he tired FROM?

Op here. Tired from poor sleep habits, not exercising, not eating well, drinking too much, just an unhealthy lifestyle.
I have leaned into and become somewhat obsessed with exercise, meditation and working on myself lately. As frustrations and resentments and challenges have built with dh, I have really turned towards self improvement and how to make myself feel good.
Part of this includes my mental and emotional health. I meet regularly with a therapist. I have a lot more confidence now and I am speaking up and standing up for myself in ways that my younger self did not. Course correction, if you will.

[Anonymous]

Can you work it out that you are out of the house and don't come home until it's your turn? At least for a little while until he gets in the habit of doing his tasks and putting her down for a nap?

I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. I had two friends who had twins. I remember one couple telling me that they handled the bath/bedtime routine together each night. And the other couple with twins said they took turns so each parent had a night off. Different strokes...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you work it out that you are out of the house and don't come home until it's your turn? At least for a little while until he gets in the habit of doing his tasks and putting her down for a nap?

I see nothing wrong with what you are doing. I had two friends who had twins. I remember one couple telling me that they handled the bath/bedtime routine together each night. And the other couple with twins said they took turns so each parent had a night off. Different strokes...

I sometimes do that. But sometimes I want to get some house or organization projects done. Or catch up on work. Or work out. Or sit and read.
I have traveled for work so it’s not as if he is incapable of solo parenting. But I’m not out of mind unless I’m out of sight, if that makes sense.
He has literally stood in the kitchen before and asked me if we have milk. Open the fridge and use your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is he tired FROM?

Op here. Tired from poor sleep habits, not exercising, not eating well, drinking too much, just an unhealthy lifestyle.
I have leaned into and become somewhat obsessed with exercise, meditation and working on myself lately. As frustrations and resentments and challenges have built with dh, I have really turned towards self improvement and how to make myself feel good.
Part of this includes my mental and emotional health. I meet regularly with a therapist. I have a lot more confidence now and I am speaking up and standing up for myself in ways that my younger self did not. Course correction, if you will.

OP, I am a 62yo empty nester and wish I had done what you are doing when my kids were little.

Good for you.

[Anonymous]

You all should hire someone to watch your kid, you both suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only way we got to the point where I could be chill about boundaries, OP, was by doing exactly what you're doing in order to reset expectations for long enough that it took.

Would love to know more details on this reset

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sweet lord don’t have any more kids. We have 3 kids and both of us were up at 6:45 this morning so we could get to an 8am game for our middle child. One of us got up to get her there and the other one got up to get the other 2 kids ready and meet them at the game.

I can’t imagine tit for tat every weekend.

How is this comment remotely relevant? Just because that kind of tit for tat would be challenging in a family with three kids doesn’t make it so for this family. The OP is setting an example of what true self-care looks like - and that’s important for her child to see.

-Mom of three

Puhlease. Feeding her 3 year old lunchs (which was for my kids a handful of grapes and cheese) interferes with her 'self care'? Good good. You must be Gen Z.

So if I’ve walked out of the shower with wet hair and I’m wrapped in a towel, I should immediately stop and make lunch and serve it, so my husband can rest?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

I 100% agree with you. I didn’t do that and it’s hurt every aspect of our marriage. Stand firm. I have a 17 year old. Not sure what life looks like after high school. Hold firm.

I'll tell you. There are 3 adults in the house and one of them had been doing 90% of the cooking and cleaning and that one just went on strike. I should have done this long ago.

Op here. I have gone on silent strike before re dishes. They piled up in sink.
Dh bought paper plates and cutlery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

Sure, sure they can. And they'll resent each other even more than they do over this one petty little incident. They're keeping score already. Just wait until the scores include who does the most drives to activities or who has to volunteer at a school event "because it's YOUR turn and don't care if you're running late getting home from work!"

In my experience the only people who advise against scorekeeping are 1) people who take advantage and 2) people who enable them. It’s actually fine to do some measure of “scorekeeping” in the form of making sure things are equitable.

The faster path to resentment is to refuse to be clear eyed about the equitable division of labor.

In my experience the people who keep score are people who are inflexible and unforgiving, and who cope poorly with any change in their routine. And those who seek perfect "equitable division of labor" end up failing to pull together as a team and end up as two people living in the same space who pass by each other as they do their assigned tasks. Equitable but inflexible and quite uptight as well.

See how that works? "In my experience" is as valid for me as it is for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

An example of...bean-counting, score-keeping and inflexibility? Because that's what OP is modeling here.

OP doesn't say her DH does the same to her when she wants to hand off the kid early and not do all of her "time" with DD. OP talks in theoreticals -- "Now what do you think his reaction would be..."

Having a regular rhythm and schedule is great. Having "me time" that each of them gets is an excellent idea. Being inflexible if there's a change is a recipe for resentment, not a proud and noble defense of "boundaries."

The DH could have called OP before he headed home from his mom's and said, "I'm tired and could you please take DD and do lunch and naptime? I'll help out and we'll take care of dinnertime together" or what the hell ever. But that's the ideal. He wasn't ideal this time. Rather than saying (OUT of the DD's earshot), "Hey, this threw me off and if you're going to change things up due to something like seeing your mom, please be sure to give me a call next time so Im not waltzing out the shower figuring I still have X hours left of my 'morning'" -- Instead of communicating like an adult, she's going to stew and steam and now he is too. Great result, OP.

When your DD is old enough to have activities like soccer one day of the weekend and dance another day etc. etc., you and your DH are going to have to learn a lot more flexibility and a LOT better communication. And both of you learning some kindness toward each other, and understanding of the occasional unusual circumstance (like a visit to mom's if that's not usual) -- that would help too.

He was TIRED. He wasn’t bleeding from his ears. It’s OK to be tired. Do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I’ve seen this mentioned a lot on this board. I think I’ll buy it.
About a year ago or so, I suggested we write down our individual loads. Like the things we own related to home kid family finances etc. we each drafted up our list and shared it.
Mine was probably 3x longer?
After he read mine, he went back to “edit” his list. He added random bs to make his list as long as mine. It was legit laughable. I’m talking about things like “manage Netflix and Hulu passwords”
“Call customer service representatives when internet is down”
“Filled out birth certificate paperwork”

Then he said the whole exercise was a farce.
A part of me hopes he doesn’t come back from this work trip. I think this often. I am not the best version of myself when he’s around. I have stayed quiet for so long to kept the peace and not risk an argument, at the expense of my inner turmoil. Today in his text rage he said that I act like taking care of “my daughter” is unbearable. Sometimes I wonder if I’m on a hidden camera show. Did I not see all these red flags before marriage? I’ve ignored my “knowing” for so long. I know I married the wrong person for me. I feel stuck.