Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apparently OP values washing her hair more than she values her DD having a relationship with her MIL. Hmmm, I wonder why that is?

What?

She's drunk. It explains a lot of the posts that chastise op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.

I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.

I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.

You have limited experience with families. So op is not allowed to have any time at home where she is not actively parenting her child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.

I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.

I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.

Congratulations to you that you didn’t need or want alone time and that you believe sat night is prime date night.
Surprise! People have different needs and want. Some people need and want solo time. Some people don’t have access or WANT to send their kid to a kids club gym when they have ABLE BODIED ADULT SPOUSE at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.

I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.

I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.

I’m happy for you that you have such fond memories walking hands on stroller with your child as the leaves fell around you and the birds chirped and sang. Having dedicated solo time is necessary for me to be a better and happier person, mother, spouse, and employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.

I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.

I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.

We split a day just like OP and her daughter. My DH learned to take care of the kids without always having to ask me where everything was or how to do things. They bonded and did things I don’t really like to do; he had a lot more patience for endless metro rides than I did. AND we spent time as a family, going for walks and eating, etc. AND we are still happily married. I think OP is doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: Asons taking turns, giving each other time, splitting the day doesn’t work, absolutely nothing happens if one partner simply doesn’t do what they agreed to do. It’s not like he can’t come with his own kid whenever he damn well pleases. It’s also not like you can force him to take the kid anyplace either. I agree
With one poster, what about the love as a family unit? What about tender moments spent as a family and as parents and a couple watching your kid learn about the world? I “get” it, not every moment is fun and tender, but you two aren’t sharing anything together during time that is unstructured, if you are enjoying the park, keep enjoying it.. if not, then go do something else.

I’m betting good money you guys live in an area that sucks with kids. You may not know it yet, you may not admit it yet, but the only people I know who do this either live in a place where there is not much to do with kids, or they are getting ready to divorce, one or both have found other partners or are at least looking for them.. why exactly was your husband so tired, Grandma did all the childcare.. did he actually stay at his mom’s house or just drop the kid off? I’d be wondering and no, I’m not kidding. Why can’t the three of you eat lunch together, presumably you all need to eat right? Where is your husband having dinner and who is he with? Again, he should be eating with you and his kid or taking you out for date night.. Saturday night dinner is prime couple time and as a married person it should be spent with you.
And, your kid isn’t learning what you think she’s learning, she’s learning that neither parent wants to be with her.

I’d put an end to this splitting the day nonsense. If you want to work out, find a gym with a kids club, at 3, your kid will enjoy it. Also, let your kid grow up a bit, by 3, they should be able to hang loose while you shower and they will be dropping the nap meaning they’ll need the skill set to entertain themselves a bit.. are you set up for that, do you have things she can do that don’t require you to be there, “hey, play with these blocks so I can shower” should be something your kid understands by this point. The kid is 3 after all, not 1, when I read this, I thought we were dealing with a young toddler. My oldest was 3 when she came into the bathroom and told me “Mommy, you need to get out of the shower now, there’s a big storm coming”. I thought she was referring to something she saw on one of her shows.. until I heard the thunder. Your kid is way more fun and way more capable then you are realizing. It also makes me sad that you didn’t enjoy her as a baby and toddler, I used to absolutely love taking my babies and toddlers for walks with my husband, it was neat seeing how they processed the world. I loved walking with my husband with both of our hands on the stroller. I remember being out with my husband and one of our kids had a huge tantrum so we made it a point to walk past a group of teenage couples. Our kid didn’t get the joke, I’m not sure the teens did either, but we still laugh about that.. this is what adorable babies turn into boys and girls,. If you guys were as committed to your marriage and child as you are your free time, we wouldn’t be here.

I’m happy for you that you have such fond memories walking hands on stroller with your child as the leaves fell around you and the birds chirped and sang. Having dedicated solo time is necessary for me to be a better and happier person, mother, spouse, and employee.

And the teenagers laughed and played, don’t forget that part.

[Anonymous]

I've been reading these forums for a long time.

I deeply understand the issues at play.

It's too complicated for me to critique or analyze.

I think you ne d to keep in mind all of this stress could be harmful to your child.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Don’t have any more kids and please, please don’t have face-offs about this in front of your daughter…that’s really damaging.

I agree you were right to stick to the boundaries agreed upon

[Anonymous]

My kids are 8 and 10, and we still split. I am a morning person so I give my best in the morning. He is an evening person so bedtime routine, supervision and reading to them at night is his thing.

[Anonymous]

I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

An example of...bean-counting, score-keeping and inflexibility? Because that's what OP is modeling here.

OP doesn't say her DH does the same to her when she wants to hand off the kid early and not do all of her "time" with DD. OP talks in theoreticals -- "Now what do you think his reaction would be..."

Having a regular rhythm and schedule is great. Having "me time" that each of them gets is an excellent idea. Being inflexible if there's a change is a recipe for resentment, not a proud and noble defense of "boundaries."

The DH could have called OP before he headed home from his mom's and said, "I'm tired and could you please take DD and do lunch and naptime? I'll help out and we'll take care of dinnertime together" or what the hell ever. But that's the ideal. He wasn't ideal this time. Rather than saying (OUT of the DD's earshot), "Hey, this threw me off and if you're going to change things up due to something like seeing your mom, please be sure to give me a call next time so Im not waltzing out the shower figuring I still have X hours left of my 'morning'" -- Instead of communicating like an adult, she's going to stew and steam and now he is too. Great result, OP.

When your DD is old enough to have activities like soccer one day of the weekend and dance another day etc. etc., you and your DH are going to have to learn a lot more flexibility and a LOT better communication. And both of you learning some kindness toward each other, and understanding of the occasional unusual circumstance (like a visit to mom's if that's not usual) -- that would help too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

Sure, sure they can. And they'll resent each other even more than they do over this one petty little incident. They're keeping score already. Just wait until the scores include who does the most drives to activities or who has to volunteer at a school event "because it's YOUR turn and don't care if you're running late getting home from work!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

An example of...bean-counting, score-keeping and inflexibility? Because that's what OP is modeling here.

OP doesn't say her DH does the same to her when she wants to hand off the kid early and not do all of her "time" with DD. OP talks in theoreticals -- "Now what do you think his reaction would be..."

Having a regular rhythm and schedule is great. Having "me time" that each of them gets is an excellent idea. Being inflexible if there's a change is a recipe for resentment, not a proud and noble defense of "boundaries."

The DH could have called OP before he headed home from his mom's and said, "I'm tired and could you please take DD and do lunch and naptime? I'll help out and we'll take care of dinnertime together" or what the hell ever. But that's the ideal. He wasn't ideal this time. Rather than saying (OUT of the DD's earshot), "Hey, this threw me off and if you're going to change things up due to something like seeing your mom, please be sure to give me a call next time so Im not waltzing out the shower figuring I still have X hours left of my 'morning'" -- Instead of communicating like an adult, she's going to stew and steam and now he is too. Great result, OP.

When your DD is old enough to have activities like soccer one day of the weekend and dance another day etc. etc., you and your DH are going to have to learn a lot more flexibility and a LOT better communication. And both of you learning some kindness toward each other, and understanding of the occasional unusual circumstance (like a visit to mom's if that's not usual) -- that would help too.

You’re assuming OP’s husband is a fair and generous partner. What you’re missing is that people only react like OP did when their partners have proven that they are neither.