Holding my boundary. Let him be mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

An example of...bean-counting, score-keeping and inflexibility? Because that's what OP is modeling here.

OP doesn't say her DH does the same to her when she wants to hand off the kid early and not do all of her "time" with DD. OP talks in theoreticals -- "Now what do you think his reaction would be..."

Having a regular rhythm and schedule is great. Having "me time" that each of them gets is an excellent idea. Being inflexible if there's a change is a recipe for resentment, not a proud and noble defense of "boundaries."

The DH could have called OP before he headed home from his mom's and said, "I'm tired and could you please take DD and do lunch and naptime? I'll help out and we'll take care of dinnertime together" or what the hell ever. But that's the ideal. He wasn't ideal this time. Rather than saying (OUT of the DD's earshot), "Hey, this threw me off and if you're going to change things up due to something like seeing your mom, please be sure to give me a call next time so Im not waltzing out the shower figuring I still have X hours left of my 'morning'" -- Instead of communicating like an adult, she's going to stew and steam and now he is too. Great result, OP.

When your DD is old enough to have activities like soccer one day of the weekend and dance another day etc. etc., you and your DH are going to have to learn a lot more flexibility and a LOT better communication. And both of you learning some kindness toward each other, and understanding of the occasional unusual circumstance (like a visit to mom's if that's not usual) -- that would help too.

Bc I don’t hand my daughter off early. Bc I respect his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay strong, OP. All you did was say that you weren’t available to give dd lunch. Your husband didn’t show up with a fever or migraine. He was tired at noon. His response was to send a petty text. He’s ridiculous. Be glad he’s going away for a week.

m

If he were sick or something yes of course I would have taken over. But you are correct, he was over it and wanted to relax and be off the clock.

[Anonymous]

Noon is PM, ma'am. Since when is noon the morning. It was your turn to clock in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Noon is PM, ma'am. Since when is noon the morning. It was your turn to clock in.

No, ma’am. Do you know what “it was her DH’s responsibility to do lunch and nap” means?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I looked into the fair play cards and passed on them because they are oversimplified, imo. Cleaning is the biggest issue in our home, and cleaning was one. Card. That’s my reality now- I do all the cleaning. The cards should be broken down into multiple aspects of cleaning, so I don’t find fair play helpful in that aspect…

[Anonymous]

This is the saddest thread I've ever read on UCUM.

My Mom is dying. She never passed us on to anyone. Both Mom and Dad just showed us unconditional love.
I don't think she ever had any free time until her 3rd child
was in kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

If you want real advice, I’d suggest hiring a sitter on Saturdays. Pay the money so this type of back and forth in front of your daughter is avoided. You both get free time, at the same time, no frustrations/competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the saddest thread I've ever read on UCUM.

My Mom is dying. She never passed us on to anyone. Both Mom and Dad just showed us unconditional love.
I don't think she ever had any free time until her 3rd child
was in kindergarten.

Not helpful. 3-year-olds are hard. Not everyone is a martyr.

[Anonymous]

I’m so tired of it. ALMOST EVERYTHING is easier when he’s not around, frankly.

Don't worry, OP - that time is coming and I'd bet soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Rigidity becomes necessary when a more causal approach leads to being chronically taken advantage of.

+1

OP, would Fair Play help?

I looked into the fair play cards and passed on them because they are oversimplified, imo. Cleaning is the biggest issue in our home, and cleaning was one. Card. That’s my reality now- I do all the cleaning. The cards should be broken down into multiple aspects of cleaning, so I don’t find fair play helpful in that aspect…

You could use the idea to create your own cards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want real advice, I’d suggest hiring a sitter on Saturdays. Pay the money so this type of back and forth in front of your daughter is avoided. You both get free time, at the same time, no frustrations/competition.

Yes, maybe suggest he hire a sitter for his 5 hour stretch of parenting in the week if he is not feeling up to it, even with grandma assisting him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel sad for your daughter.

Not me. I love that OP is setting such a great example for her daughter. Her daughter can’t appreciate that yet, but hopefully she will. I agree with you, OP.

An example of...bean-counting, score-keeping and inflexibility? Because that's what OP is modeling here.

OP doesn't say her DH does the same to her when she wants to hand off the kid early and not do all of her "time" with DD. OP talks in theoreticals -- "Now what do you think his reaction would be..."

Having a regular rhythm and schedule is great. Having "me time" that each of them gets is an excellent idea. Being inflexible if there's a change is a recipe for resentment, not a proud and noble defense of "boundaries."

The DH could have called OP before he headed home from his mom's and said, "I'm tired and could you please take DD and do lunch and naptime? I'll help out and we'll take care of dinnertime together" or what the hell ever. But that's the ideal. He wasn't ideal this time. Rather than saying (OUT of the DD's earshot), "Hey, this threw me off and if you're going to change things up due to something like seeing your mom, please be sure to give me a call next time so Im not waltzing out the shower figuring I still have X hours left of my 'morning'" -- Instead of communicating like an adult, she's going to stew and steam and now he is too. Great result, OP.

When your DD is old enough to have activities like soccer one day of the weekend and dance another day etc. etc., you and your DH are going to have to learn a lot more flexibility and a LOT better communication. And both of you learning some kindness toward each other, and understanding of the occasional unusual circumstance (like a visit to mom's if that's not usual) -- that would help too.

He was TIRED. He wasn’t bleeding from his ears. It’s OK to be tired. Do it anyway.

Exactly!

DP and my DH tried this a couple times and I did the same approach as OP. He finally figured out how to come home make our kids PB and J or pull out a lunchable, put it on the coffee table and tell the kids it was a picnic while he lounged on the couch next to them. He put on a tv show for the kids and told them when it was over it was nap time. and ignored their squabbling while looking at his phone. He would then herd them upstairs for a nap, put on an audio story in each of their rooms and close the door and didn’t look back. It truly drove me nuts a lot of the time bc it was not up to my own personal standard but I realized I had to let go and let thine do it. Our kids got older and looking back I was so silly for worrying about lunchables on saturday on occasion and how he wasn’t “engaging” enough. I laugh at myself now 😊

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate what you're trying to do here, but you need to figure out how to add some flexibility and collaboration into your arrangement. What you are doing is not going to work as your kid gets older and has more activities and/or if you have more kids or life circumstances in general. (I'm not saying you weren't in the right in this particular situation - but this "protected time" thing with no flexibility is likely not sustainable given all of the future variables coming at you.)

This has nothing to do with OP’s current situation. They can deal with those things as they come AND maintain protected time.

Sure, sure they can. And they'll resent each other even more than they do over this one petty little incident. They're keeping score already. Just wait until the scores include who does the most drives to activities or who has to volunteer at a school event "because it's YOUR turn and don't care if you're running late getting home from work!"

In my experience the only people who advise against scorekeeping are 1) people who take advantage and 2) people who enable them. It’s actually fine to do some measure of “scorekeeping” in the form of making sure things are equitable.

The faster path to resentment is to refuse to be clear eyed about the equitable division of labor.

In my experience the people who keep score are people who are inflexible and unforgiving, and who cope poorly with any change in their routine. And those who seek perfect "equitable division of labor" end up failing to pull together as a team and end up as two people living in the same space who pass by each other as they do their assigned tasks. Equitable but inflexible and quite uptight as well.

See how that works? "In my experience" is as valid for me as it is for you.

I would add to what you say with the following. People who keep score and insist they do more often fail to recognize all of the contributions of their partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have always split Saturday. He gets up with dd and has her for the am, lunch and puts her down for nap. I have dd after naptime thru dinner and bed. I get a free am, dh gets a free afternoon.

Dh took dd to his moms house this morning. They walked in the door around noon. He announced that he was exhausted, dd needed lunch and a nap and he was going to relax. I was standing in a towel with wet hair from the shower after a great workout. Sat am is My time.

I said, cool dd, excited to play with you after nap! Maybe we can go to the museum.
Dh: “wait you’re not handling lunch and nap?”
Me: “why would I, it’s Sat am?”
Dh: shooting me dirty looks glares.

This is not the first time he’s done this. To me this says, He believes his time to be more important. He can walk in the door and just throw everything on me bc- I’m the mom? I let this dynamic go on for a long time and slowly I’ve started implementing boundaries. If I didn’t speak up for myself, I’d do 100% of the cooking cleaning and childcare. If I don’t speak up for myself, he would never wash a dish. Spill something on the counter and leave it.

As predicted, he sent me a rambling nasty text message of how unloved and unappreciated he felt. And that dd (who is 3) also felt unloved by the cold welcome. He said I need to stop being competitive selfish and petty about childcare.

Now what do you think his reaction would be if I walked in the door and announced I was tired and our daughter needed to eat and sleep. He would say to me exactly what I said to him. That this chunk of time is his free time. He’s a hypocrite.

If he had asked or communicated a change in schedule I would have more likely than not been accommodating. But walking in the door like that? No way.

What makes it more absurd is that he’s about to leave tomorrow for a week long work trip. I’ll be solo with dd for a week, and yes, I work. I’m tact I make more f-ing money than him.

If I don’t stand up for myself , my time, and my boundaries, he will walk all over me.

It was afternoon. Per your agreement, it was you time to take over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the saddest thread I've ever read on UCUM.

My Mom is dying. She never passed us on to anyone. Both Mom and Dad just showed us unconditional love.
I don't think she ever had any free time until her 3rd child
was in kindergarten.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.
There are no prizes for being a martyr.
Not having Any free time for years is not something to boast.