I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

My inlaws rarely stay with us, preferring hotels or Airbnbs. This makes their visits much more enjoyable along with picking up food or eating out. Culturally, it is not a big deal in my inlaws family not to host other family on overnight visits as long as there is opportunity to spend quality time otherwise. I feel for OP that she has a different set of expectations from her DH and ILs. Better to change things now while their marriage and family is young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I haven't read all the replies and I do absolutely sympathize with you. I do think you could have been a tad nicer here, however. You could have set out the coffee stuff, and honestly, when your MIL texted, if you like your MIL and the ILs are good to you and your kids, you should have picked up the phone and talked to her. Because to her this looks like you didn't want them there and wanted them to know it versus your husband said he'd do the heavy lifting and he dropped the ball. She should be having the discussion with him.

Why would anyone need to “set out” coffee in the home of family? I’ve been to my aunt’s “retirement home” house in Indiana exactly three times, and I know where the coffee is. If I got up before her, I’d make a pot. Is it really so hard for people to reach into a cabinet and pull out coffee and filters, and a mug? Plus if I visited my adult son and somehow didn’t feel welcome or catered to, I would text HIM about it, not his wife. What’s up with that?

+1. But I also don’t do or expect a big show of hosting. I tell people to help themselves to coffee and breakfast in the morning.

[Anonymous]

I wish my own mom would have done this with my paternal grandparents. Instead she did everything they wanted/needed, didn’t ask my dad for help, displaced me or my brother to give them certain spaces. And is resentful even after their deaths. It has colored my ways as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think dropping the rope on hosting was totally fine and hopefully DH will learn from the experience and do better next time. I think text exchange does sound cold on your end. I think I would have said something like:

Of course I'm not made at you, why do you ask? and then if they reference things being different during the visit, you could say something like "It was great to see you at Easter and the kids had so much fun! I've had so much to take care of at work that DH said he would take the lead on hosting. I know it was a bit different than usual, but I really appreciated having him step up! Excited to see you this summer!

+1 pretty much. Hopefully your next event goes much smoother.

[Anonymous]

Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

Can someone please explain to me how telling the truth that one doesn’t want to host is somehow being “mad” at anyone?

Ask me if I want to fold the laundry. I’ll tell you no. Am I mad at you?

It wasn’t a case of simply not wanting to do it. It was a case of pent up grievances. You were intending to send a message about your dissatisfaction and when it got the attention you wanted, you didn’t articulate your frustrations. Yes, I think you were absolutely mad at them and continue to be. Instead you were passive-aggressive.

Telling DH “I don’t want to do it”, not doing it, then when questioned by in laws telling them “I didn’t want to do it” is in no way shape or form passive aggressive. It is direct.

Exactly! Passive aggressive would have been one of these dumb DCUM scripts. “Oh Nancy, I just adore you but am so exhausted; I asked Kevin to host for once, but he just doesn’t seem to have a woman’s touch!” Oh tee hee…

I agree. Saying OP didn't feel well or was soooo tired would have been lying.

If anything, I'd have been more direct, and told MIL the whole truth - that the division of labor had gotten out of whack in your house with respect to hosting, you'd had multiple conversations about it be he hadn't stepped up, OP told him in advance that he would be responsible for the hosting duties, and if MIL thought that OP wasn't doing a lot, that was why. I guess I'd fib a bit and say OP wasn't mad at them, because that's not the focal point of this situation, but it seems like they were a smaller part of this dynamic, too.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

NP here - the thing that bothers me most about you is that you are continually referring to rotisserie chicken as "crap food." I love food, love eating out, and there's a very good chance I'm a better cook than you are. And no way would I get all shirty about roast chicken, you insufferable snob.

[Anonymous]

1) OP did nothing wrong but
2) I am sorta cackling about in-laws booking the DIL Marriott when no one told them it had recently been sold to Son Motel 6
3) Anyone worried about what the kids thought is fully out to lunch, they liked the pizza way better than anything at a brunch
4) Some people seem to be missing that pizza lunch was the husband’s big plan all along and only the dinner went sideways. And as a PP noticed that really is what husbands always say, “it’s no big deal we can order pizza!” I guess it was a smidge of a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

OP, I was with you until the end. How did the text conversation with your MIL actually go? It's rude to tell guests that you didn't want to host them. The correct response to "Are you mad?" is "No, of course not. Why do you ask?" If she then says "It didn't seem like you wanted us there." the response should have been "I'm sorry it seemed that way! I was feeling too exhausted to host this holiday, so DH said he would take care of the details. I know everything didn't go perfectly, but it was important to me to give him a chance to live up to his word. I also think he learned a little bit about how much work goes into properly hosting guests. I hope you still had a nice time."

Given the information you shared it sort of feels like your MIL is letting you know that she felt unwelcome and you are basically saying "yeah, that's because I didn't welcome you." But it actually seems more complex and understandable than that.

Very well said. I would have given the head's up to ILs that DH was doing the hosting this year because I have been unwell and actually got MIL on my side. My question to OP is that would she have done the same if it was her side of the family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I love this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

Well, smh.

Well, White people problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I love this.

He didn't like his Easter either. 😉

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP did nothing wrong but
2) I am sorta cackling about in-laws booking the DIL Marriott when no one told them it had recently been sold to Son Motel 6
3) Anyone worried about what the kids thought is fully out to lunch, they liked the pizza way better than anything at a brunch
4) Some people seem to be missing that pizza lunch was the husband’s big plan all along and only the dinner went sideways. And as a PP noticed that really is what husbands always say, “it’s no big deal we can order pizza!” I guess it was a smidge of a big deal.

He doesn't get it because he never had to do it. His mom and wife have been making the magic happen all his life. Team OP for having the guts to make a change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

[Anonymous]

Your elementary aged kids work outside the home?