I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

This is exactly what dropping the rope IS. Maybe DH will get the message.
Team OP.

[Anonymous]

I my household I have given up any hope of my DH doing anything at all. So I host when I want to, because it’s important to me and I enjoy it. That means I cut down the time and have the ILs stay in an airbnb. I also send DH on his own to visit with DS. When we did a family lakehouse I cut down the days of our visit from 7 to 4.

I guess the way I see it is that I independently care about my ILs and want to be a good hostess for them. My DH’s poor behavior is on him. I don’t want to punish my ILs for his bad behavior. But YMMV if you don’t value your inlaw relationship the same way I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

NP. If it isn’t hard, why didn’t DH do it? HI THERE? Do you have an answer to that question? If nobody needs to cook, clean, or host and it’s really not that hard, why didn’t DH do it, especially after OP told him point blank she wouldn’t be doing it?! If you are so concerned that OP’s kids didn’t get a restaurant dinner or a Honeybaked ham, please feel free to tell their father how horrible he is not to provide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

It’s not that hard, which is why DH should have done it.

I have one of those 0% DHs. OP’s sounds better. But still, one thing I learned is that I HAVE to prioritize and let a lot of stuff go. That could very well look like making sure the kids have easter baskets and dresses, but not caring about the meal. (Also most kids don’t care about fancy meals.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

NP. If it isn’t hard, why didn’t DH do it? HI THERE? Do you have an answer to that question? If nobody needs to cook, clean, or host and it’s really not that hard, why didn’t DH do it, especially after OP told him point blank she wouldn’t be doing it?! If you are so concerned that OP’s kids didn’t get a restaurant dinner or a Honeybaked ham, please feel free to tell their father how horrible he is not to provide.

I have my opinion and you have yours. I would have drawn a line and a shitty grocery store take out dinner for Easter. You do you.

[Anonymous]

You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

[Anonymous]

I’m happy for you that you are doing this. It’s not fair that the added burdens of cooking, cleaning, planning, and entertaining fall on you because you are a woman. I also understand why ILs noticed the change and were concerned this was about them and not about you and DH.

I think it would be nice for either you or DH to communicate that he is taking on more hosting duties just so they are aware of the context. I don’t think this is your job or that it is necessary, but it would be kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You were given the opportunity to explain why you are mad at them — and you ARE mad at them — and you obfuscated and were glib. This isn’t the win you seem to think it is.

I think she's angry at her husband, not her inlaws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Peeps and chocolate is a balanced meal.

[Anonymous]

I think you were fine up until the next. You could have handled that a bit more gracefully.

That said, if my husband then tried to be all whiny about this, blaming me, etc, it would not go well. I would probably laugh or roll my eyes at him. And I would just remind him that I have hosted for X years and I’m done. He is welcome to do as much or as little as he wants.

The reality is that I have never really picked up the rope with my in-laws. I’ve hosted some holidays where I cooked (my husband really cannot cook). But my husband does all coordination with them, cleans up (I may help), makes sure he gets take out, etc.