I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

[Anonymous]

I feel you OP. I think what you did is fine. Your dh should have stepped up. But also, you inlaws would just come for a major holiday and not bring anything or coordinate menus? My parents and inlaws usually help bring and make the meal with me. Close family aren't really guests.

I would have replied to your MIL that DH promised that he would host because I haven't been feeling well and didn't have enough time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

OP, I was with you until the end. How did the text conversation with your MIL actually go? It's rude to tell guests that you didn't want to host them. The correct response to "Are you mad?" is "No, of course not. Why do you ask?" If she then says "It didn't seem like you wanted us there." the response should have been "I'm sorry it seemed that way! I was feeling too exhausted to host this holiday, so DH said he would take care of the details. I know everything didn't go perfectly, but it was important to me to give him a chance to live up to his word. I also think he learned a little bit about how much work goes into properly hosting guests. I hope you still had a nice time."

Given the information you shared it sort of feels like your MIL is letting you know that she felt unwelcome and you are basically saying "yeah, that's because I didn't welcome you." But it actually seems more complex and understandable than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

…nope. OP communicated. She let DH know he was free to invite his parents, but she wasn’t going to host them and it would be on him. She said what she was willing to do (kid outfits and candy) and that was it. He then agreed and said he would take care of everything.

You’d have a leg to stand on if OP didn’t communicate her decision and plans to DH, but she did. He agreed to host and then…didn’t.

[Anonymous]

No worries, OP, it's fine if they think you're mad at them. From their point of view, you are definitely acting like you are! And that's OK. You can't go through life doing your husband's work just because you're afraid your in-laws might take it personally, right?

They'll come around with time when you still convey your wishes for their birthdays and other events, and your husband perhaps drops the ball on that too. My in-laws, after years of raising my husband, know full well any ball-dropping is entirely his responsibility. When I see them, I am charming and delightful, and don't ever lift a finger to do anything. They love me anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

OP, I was with you until the end. How did the text conversation with your MIL actually go? It's rude to tell guests that you didn't want to host them. The correct response to "Are you mad?" is "No, of course not. Why do you ask?" If she then says "It didn't seem like you wanted us there." the response should have been "I'm sorry it seemed that way! I was feeling too exhausted to host this holiday, so DH said he would take care of the details. I know everything didn't go perfectly, but it was important to me to give him a chance to live up to his word. I also think he learned a little bit about how much work goes into properly hosting guests. I hope you still had a nice time."

Given the information you shared it sort of feels like your MIL is letting you know that she felt unwelcome and you are basically saying "yeah, that's because I didn't welcome you." But it actually seems more complex and understandable than that.

+1. I was with you until that point. Your response did sound rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

…nope. OP communicated. She let DH know he was free to invite his parents, but she wasn’t going to host them and it would be on him. She said what she was willing to do (kid outfits and candy) and that was it. He then agreed and said he would take care of everything.

You’d have a leg to stand on if OP didn’t communicate her decision and plans to DH, but she did. He agreed to host and then…didn’t.

Agree. This is the only way change will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

In "dropping the rope" you just replicated your DH's sh*tty behavior.

He didn't help and it felt crappy to you. Now you didn't help and it feels crappy to him and his family.

Shocker.

But it's not her parents! If it was, then she'd have to step up more.

My dh helps a lot when we have visitors. My issue is that when we visit his parents he acts like he's 16 and can sleep in all day, no help with kids and he's on vacation. He dumps all burden of our kids on me and then wonders why I struggle to visit his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

OP, I was with you until the end. How did the text conversation with your MIL actually go? It's rude to tell guests that you didn't want to host them. The correct response to "Are you mad?" is "No, of course not. Why do you ask?" If she then says "It didn't seem like you wanted us there." the response should have been "I'm sorry it seemed that way! I was feeling too exhausted to host this holiday, so DH said he would take care of the details. I know everything didn't go perfectly, but it was important to me to give him a chance to live up to his word. I also think he learned a little bit about how much work goes into properly hosting guests. I hope you still had a nice time."

Given the information you shared it sort of feels like your MIL is letting you know that she felt unwelcome and you are basically saying "yeah, that's because I didn't welcome you." But it actually seems more complex and understandable than that.

They were welcome. They were welcome to visit, but OP didn’t feel like hosting. So she communicated that to her husband, who said he would host and then didn’t. OP chatted with them in the evenings and did what she said she would do, which is not host but still allow the visit. If they have a problem, they should take it up with the son they raised, who said he would host them and then did a poor job of it.

[Anonymous]

I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

Okay, so I would say overall, you did great. Just let it happen, DH figured it out, no one starved, no one had to sleep in the street, you proved that DH can handle it, and you saved yourself a bunch of stress and work. Awesome. Not diving in was the right choice.

Your error was in how you responded to your MIL. You agreed, with your husband, to them visiting if you didn't have to do the work, which is EXACTLY what happened. Great. But then you essentially told them, via text, that you didn't want them there! That's how I, ignorant of the backstory, would have taken "I didn't feel like hosting." That was definitely rude. Remember, your beef was with your HUSBAND, not with them! And it's not surprising that they were concerned - this experience was very different than usual. I actually think it was really a kindness that they reached out to you to see if there was a problem.

So - a better response would have been something like. "Oh, no, not mad at all! It was wonderful to see you and have you here. We're just trying to rejigger the household workload around here, so Larlo was in charge of a lot of the hosting duties this time around. He doesn't quite have my attention to detail*, ha. But we had a great time! Look forward to seeing you again at Whatever Family Occasion."

At this point, I would reach back out. Call if that's something you do, or you can even fix it by text. "Hi Larla - I'm sorry, I just reread my text to you and realized it did not come off the way I intended. I'm so sorry. The perils of quick texting! I was thrilled to have you here! I just meant it was Larlo's turn to do some of the host-duties (which he often shirks on*) so that's why things might have felt a bit different, that's all. It was wonderful to see you, and I love getting to see you play with the kids. (then maybe send a cute pic of the kids, especially if you have one of them together).

*You know your husband. Mine would find these lines casual/endearing, others may think you just tattled on them to their mommies. Adjust to fit your husband's temperament and relationship with his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

Was their son dead that they couldn’t ask him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was with you until the end. If they asked about coffee, it would have been polite to brew some for them. And it was a pretty small request, so it seems a bit petty to refuse.

OP here. Two things:

1) They are able-bodied adults. When we vacation together, they often make coffee. I make food in their house. When I had a baby, they somehow managed to make coffee in my house. DH knows how to make coffee, and they could have asked him. They are free to help themselves to anything in our kitchen, and they know that.

2) Per a PP, I can see how they felt a big difference in how it usually goes. I’m going to let it go for this time, but if this comes up again, I’m going to reassure them that it was great to see them, they are welcome any time, but DH might sometimes be in charge of hosting. I’ll make more of a point to chat with them a bit more without eating into too much of my free time. I’ll make it clear when things are happening that DH is in charge and to ask him about dinner plans or whatever.

I mean, I’m just not going back to the old ways. Maybe DH can talk to them about when he’s hosting or something, but I can’t go back to doing everything. Everyone is a capable adult who knows their way around each other’s houses and know they can help themselves. For example, they often stay at their neighbors’ empty beach house and somehow manage to make themselves coffee. They’re always welcome to our kitchen and they know that.

[Anonymous]

Good for you, OP!