I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP did nothing wrong but
2) I am sorta cackling about in-laws booking the DIL Marriott when no one told them it had recently been sold to Son Motel 6
3) Anyone worried about what the kids thought is fully out to lunch, they liked the pizza way better than anything at a brunch
4) Some people seem to be missing that pizza lunch was the husband’s big plan all along and only the dinner went sideways. And as a PP noticed that really is what husbands always say, “it’s no big deal we can order pizza!” I guess it was a smidge of a big deal.

Ha, 2-love it!

[Anonymous]

I think what you did is fine and warranted. You could have responded to your MIL in a much nicer way. Such as, “So sorry you thought I was mad! Definitely not. DH just said he was taking care of everything so I was trying to stay out of his way. Hopefully next time will be better!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) OP did nothing wrong but
2) I am sorta cackling about in-laws booking the DIL Marriott when no one told them it had recently been sold to Son Motel 6
3) Anyone worried about what the kids thought is fully out to lunch, they liked the pizza way better than anything at a brunch
4) Some people seem to be missing that pizza lunch was the husband’s big plan all along and only the dinner went sideways. And as a PP noticed that really is what husbands always say, “it’s no big deal we can order pizza!” I guess it was a smidge of a big deal.

BWHAAHAHAA! Legendary DCUM comment!

[Anonymous]

Op I am with you the whole way. The in laws should be able to see that their dear son dropped the rope. If they can’t see that, we’ll, that’s not your problem.

[Anonymous]

I’m with you, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anyone accusing OP of being “passive aggressive” is clearly not onto MIL. Let’s review: MIL isn’t catered to hand and foot as she is clearly used to being in her son’s home. So after the visit, she texts her *DIL* and asks if she’s “mad.” Instead of, you know, picking up the phone and talking to her son if she had any real questions or concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

No, dear. MIL communicated with HER:

“Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!”

And when MIL got a clear answer from her DIL that DIL was not mad at her or at FIL, and that nothing was wrong, she then either text or called her son, apparently. That’s what happened. Instead of taking DIL at her word, MIL then tattled to her son, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anyone accusing OP of being “passive aggressive” is clearly not onto MIL. Let’s review: MIL isn’t catered to hand and foot as she is clearly used to being in her son’s home. So after the visit, she texts her *DIL* and asks if she’s “mad.” Instead of, you know, picking up the phone and talking to her son if she had any real questions or concerns.

I don’t think the scare quotes are warranted. It’s totally plausible this is her sincere impression. Put differently, if OP were mad and also passive aggressive this is probably exactly the Easter that might have unfolded.

[Anonymous]

I do think you need to explain to MIL. Her feelings are hurt and that is not ideal. She felt unwelcome and she doesn't understand what changed and why. WE know it's because her son dropped the ball. But does she?

I think you - or better yet your DH - need to explain the truth to her. "I'm so sorry grandma! Larlo was in charge of the visiting plans this time and he's not used to it, so a few things fell through the cracks." And copy your husband on the text. And warn him before you do. You do not need to take the blame and be the bad guy here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

What does this part mean? Easter is an important enough event for his family that they want to come visit, you have tasked him with hosting -- what is "his own thing" that he had to go do during this one night?

There are very unhealthy gender dynamics with your MIL texting you about this etc.

Nooooo, OP did not “task” her husband with anything. That would make her the manager, yes? That would make her default in charge of holidays and visits, right? Talk about unhealthy gender dynamics with your premise. OP communicated to her husband that she would not be hosting. That isn’t “tasking,” that’s making it clear she won’t be doing something, so he can do it if he wants it done.

Uh okay, my DH and I use that term with each other and I don't think much of it - it's more like who is handling what.

Anyway my point was that DH seems like a real dud here - not doing any of the pre-planning on food etc and then also disappearing while his own parents were visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

No, dear. MIL communicated with HER:

“Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!”

And when MIL got a clear answer from her DIL that DIL was not mad at her or at FIL, and that nothing was wrong, she then either text or called her son, apparently. That’s what happened. Instead of taking DIL at her word, MIL then tattled to her son, apparently.

Yes that’s what I’m saying. She did communicate with him that OP seemed mad and was rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I haven't read all the replies and I do absolutely sympathize with you. I do think you could have been a tad nicer here, however. You could have set out the coffee stuff, and honestly, when your MIL texted, if you like your MIL and the ILs are good to you and your kids, you should have picked up the phone and talked to her. Because to her this looks like you didn't want them there and wanted them to know it versus your husband said he'd do the heavy lifting and he dropped the ball. She should be having the discussion with him.

Why would anyone need to “set out” coffee in the home of family? I’ve been to my aunt’s “retirement home” house in Indiana exactly three times, and I know where the coffee is. If I got up before her, I’d make a pot. Is it really so hard for people to reach into a cabinet and pull out coffee and filters, and a mug? Plus if I visited my adult son and somehow didn’t feel welcome or catered to, I would text HIM about it, not his wife. What’s up with that?

Going from 5 diamonds to one (to continue the hotel analogy) is a bit of a surprise to any guest. Sure, they could have asked their son to set up the coffeemaker for them the night before so they could just push a button and grab a mug or make coffee but that has not been the usual routine on previous visits. Sounds like everything changed without the ILs knowing what to expect. I don't go around another person's kitchen helping myself unless being told it is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for you OP! The only thing I would have done differently is let my ILs know in advance that DH would be in charge of hosting for this visit. That would have avoided the hurt feelings. They would have known who was supposed to be in charge.

Why would it be OP’s place to communicate with her ILs about a holiday visit when she is actively not hosting? Presumably DH has his own parents’ phone numbers, and could have communicated with them in advance. Communication is part of hosting, and OP was actively not hosting. What about this don’t some of you get? Why would her ILs not have communicated with their own son if they thought something was off during the visit?

I mean, they did. They communicated to him that OP seemed mad and rude. Which I’m sure is right from their perspective. They don’t have any insight into what was really going on.

No, dear. MIL communicated with HER:

“Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!”

And when MIL got a clear answer from her DIL that DIL was not mad at her or at FIL, and that nothing was wrong, she then either text or called her son, apparently. That’s what happened. Instead of taking DIL at her word, MIL then tattled to her son, apparently.

Yes that’s what I’m saying. She did communicate with him that OP seemed mad and was rude.

AFTER they asked their DIL directly if she was mad, and she said no. What more needs to be said? Asked and answered. Apparently they are pushy and if they don’t get the answer they want, they’ll keep digging and make a problem?

[Anonymous]

OP, also ... don't have the mindset that it goes badly. Make peace w/the visits looking very different, things done last minute or not at all. You will also want to be someone who is ok with this.