I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

It’s honesty. Don’t want honesty? Don’t ask questions. OP did not volunteer that information during the visit. She provided an honest answer when pressed for one. End of story.

Why is it ok to be honest and basically say I didn’t want you to come? It seems unnecessary and likely to cause problems in your relationship with ILs going forward.

There are many things I could be brutally honest about, but what would be the point? Like in a work setting, “what did you think of the presentation?” You provide feedback in a nice way.

DP. I agree, but I think it's very weird to interpret "I didn't feel like hosting" as rude. It isn't the most gracious thing to say but I know that hosting is a ton of work and I wouldn't blame anybody who didn't feel like doing it. I think that not wanting to host is very different from not wanting to see somebody, and when they confirmed that with OP, they should just believe her and move on.

No it’s completely normal.

Only if you expect to be hosted every holiday thanks to the efforts of your child's spouse. Future DILs should be told upfront of these expectations before accepting a proposal.

Yeah no. Telling a guest that you didn’t really feel like hosting is rude. How you delegate hosting duties is between you and your spouse - you don’t say that sort of thing to a guest.

+1

Agree. OP should have simply said that DH wanted to take on the hosting duties and so she let him.

So you are advocating for a lie instead of the truth?

OP wouldn’t have said anything at all if MIL hadn’t gone sniffing around.

It’s not a lie. DH agreed to host.

Agreeing to host because your wife said she wouldn’t and wanting to host are two completely different things. OP’s husband absolutely did not want to host, guaranteed.

Too damn bad. It doesn’t matter if he wanted to or not. He agreed to host. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

It’s honesty. Don’t want honesty? Don’t ask questions. OP did not volunteer that information during the visit. She provided an honest answer when pressed for one. End of story.

Why is it ok to be honest and basically say I didn’t want you to come? It seems unnecessary and likely to cause problems in your relationship with ILs going forward.

There are many things I could be brutally honest about, but what would be the point? Like in a work setting, “what did you think of the presentation?” You provide feedback in a nice way.

DP. I agree, but I think it's very weird to interpret "I didn't feel like hosting" as rude. It isn't the most gracious thing to say but I know that hosting is a ton of work and I wouldn't blame anybody who didn't feel like doing it. I think that not wanting to host is very different from not wanting to see somebody, and when they confirmed that with OP, they should just believe her and move on.

No it’s completely normal.

Only if you expect to be hosted every holiday thanks to the efforts of your child's spouse. Future DILs should be told upfront of these expectations before accepting a proposal.

Yeah no. Telling a guest that you didn’t really feel like hosting is rude. How you delegate hosting duties is between you and your spouse - you don’t say that sort of thing to a guest.

+1

Agree. OP should have simply said that DH wanted to take on the hosting duties and so she let him.

So you are advocating for a lie instead of the truth?

OP wouldn’t have said anything at all if MIL hadn’t gone sniffing around.

It’s not a lie. DH agreed to host.

Agreeing to host because your wife said she wouldn’t and wanting to host are two completely different things. OP’s husband absolutely did not want to host, guaranteed.

Which is why I said he thought she would cave if his parents came. He didn’t want to host, but didn’t want to tell his parents not to come. I can almost guarantee he thought OP would pick up the slack.

It’s this. He thought she’d do all of it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Op, you did the right think. The parents will disagree because it’s so far over their heads. Keep dropping the rope like this and you’ll make progress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

It’s honesty. Don’t want honesty? Don’t ask questions. OP did not volunteer that information during the visit. She provided an honest answer when pressed for one. End of story.

Why is it ok to be honest and basically say I didn’t want you to come? It seems unnecessary and likely to cause problems in your relationship with ILs going forward.

There are many things I could be brutally honest about, but what would be the point? Like in a work setting, “what did you think of the presentation?” You provide feedback in a nice way.

DP. I agree, but I think it's very weird to interpret "I didn't feel like hosting" as rude. It isn't the most gracious thing to say but I know that hosting is a ton of work and I wouldn't blame anybody who didn't feel like doing it. I think that not wanting to host is very different from not wanting to see somebody, and when they confirmed that with OP, they should just believe her and move on.

No it’s completely normal.

Only if you expect to be hosted every holiday thanks to the efforts of your child's spouse. Future DILs should be told upfront of these expectations before accepting a proposal.

Yeah no. Telling a guest that you didn’t really feel like hosting is rude. How you delegate hosting duties is between you and your spouse - you don’t say that sort of thing to a guest.

+1

Agree. OP should have simply said that DH wanted to take on the hosting duties and so she let him.

So you are advocating for a lie instead of the truth?

OP wouldn’t have said anything at all if MIL hadn’t gone sniffing around.

It’s not a lie. DH agreed to host.

Agreeing to host because your wife said she wouldn’t and wanting to host are two completely different things. OP’s husband absolutely did not want to host, guaranteed.

Which is why I said he thought she would cave if his parents came. He didn’t want to host, but didn’t want to tell his parents not to come. I can almost guarantee he thought OP would pick up the slack.

It’s this. He thought she’d do all of it anyway.

Yep, but OP needs to continue to stand her ground in the future to make real progress with them. She just needs to work on her responses. "Oh, I'm so sorry you didn't have a good time Marge! Of course I'm not mad at you. Dave was in charge of hosting which is maybe why it felt a little different."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Didn’t feel like hosting”

This can be interpreted as rude. I could see taking it as you didn’t want to see them.

“Just been so busy with work so DH said he’d plan Easter dinner and for your visit. Great to see you!”

Exactly. DH said he wanted to do more (don't call it "helping"), so I backed off. I can see how his way of doing things differs from mine, but we were both very glad too see everyone"

It’s honesty. Don’t want honesty? Don’t ask questions. OP did not volunteer that information during the visit. She provided an honest answer when pressed for one. End of story.

Why is it ok to be honest and basically say I didn’t want you to come? It seems unnecessary and likely to cause problems in your relationship with ILs going forward.

There are many things I could be brutally honest about, but what would be the point? Like in a work setting, “what did you think of the presentation?” You provide feedback in a nice way.

DP. I agree, but I think it's very weird to interpret "I didn't feel like hosting" as rude. It isn't the most gracious thing to say but I know that hosting is a ton of work and I wouldn't blame anybody who didn't feel like doing it. I think that not wanting to host is very different from not wanting to see somebody, and when they confirmed that with OP, they should just believe her and move on.

No it’s completely normal.

Only if you expect to be hosted every holiday thanks to the efforts of your child's spouse. Future DILs should be told upfront of these expectations before accepting a proposal.

Yeah no. Telling a guest that you didn’t really feel like hosting is rude. How you delegate hosting duties is between you and your spouse - you don’t say that sort of thing to a guest.

Yes this - it's a gentle white lie to say you have been busy/tired and that's why DH had agreed to take on all the responsibilities hence it was different this time. it puts the blame back on DH but not on the guests themselves.

[Anonymous]

Something similar happened between me and my DH a few years ago. He wanted to host a holiday gathering and I did not. I wanted a break for a year and this gathering was falling 9 days after another family gathering I had already orchestrated in our home. DH said he was happy to do everything. He really said that. I listed the things that would need to happen and he told me not to worry etc…

The day before the event comes and he has done no prep (typical of him at the time). I reminded him once or twice but I did not pick up the slack. The next day was a holiday and he had to rush to the grocery store. He was in such a bad mood the whole morning. He literally picked up a ham and dropped it in the kitchen. He did virtually no prep aside from this. No drinks, no cutlery, didn’t hear up ham (my sibling ended up coming over last minute and felt bad for him so prepped it in the oven). He didn’t set up any other food. It was honestly pathetic because not only did he barely prep but he sulked around the house the whole day. His family came over and it was a pretty abysmal setup with a single ham.

I did not pick up the slack. I did not apologize to anyone. It was awkward and I was so upset and disappointed at my DH because not only was he a crank the whole day but now we had all these people in our house and no prep for them!

Anyway, it was what it was. After that holiday you can bet we had a big convo about it. He realized what a huge load prepping for a gathering is and ever since then he has been so much more helpful.

When you stop doing everything for your spouse or whomever there is often a learning curve. Let things get messy. It’s worth it in the long run and so much better then forever being the person in the family who does everything and is then resentful!

[jsteele]

The OP is doing a considerable amount of sock puppeting in this thread.