I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why can’t her husband do it since it’s all so easy?

Because she's married to a moron.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

NP. It sounds like you have made the decision to pick up slack so your husband doesn’t have to help. If that’s what you are doing, ok. Doesn’t try to pressure other women into not addressing their own unequal relationships.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

How nice for you that you aren't struggling to break a pattern. How nice for you to have such limited life experience that leads you to think this is about making reservations. I'm sure your inability to see a pattern and the bigger picture hampers you professionally and personally. But, you do you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

Rotissere chicken is delicious!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

NP. It sounds like you have made the decision to pick up slack so your husband doesn’t have to help. If that’s what you are doing, ok. Doesn’t try to pressure other women into not addressing their own unequal relationships.

Yes, you have it all figured out! Making a reservation means he never has to lift a finger. But I'm not the one whining on here about my failing marriage and upset in-laws.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

Ohhh, now I get it, Almond Mom. Some of us don’t plan our entire day around one dinner. It’s not a big deal. We know we’ll eat again tomorrow, so if today’s dinner isn’t amah-zing, we just enjoy other parts of our day and move on with our lives. We’re not all obsessed with food and how many calories we eat. Sorry you don’t like that.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why can’t her husband do it since it’s all so easy?

Because she's married to a moron.

Hard disagree. Men don’t help not because they are stupid but because they are not used to helping and they often don’t realize how burdensome it is. You are trotting out the lose lose of either you need to do it or, if your DH doesn’t, you made a mistake marrying him. Either way, it’s the woman’s fault.

Men do less labor in the home. This is a real thing. This is not just OP. Women are now making an active effort to change this dynamic and this is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

Ohhh, now I get it, Almond Mom. Some of us don’t plan our entire day around one dinner. It’s not a big deal. We know we’ll eat again tomorrow, so if today’s dinner isn’t amah-zing, we just enjoy other parts of our day and move on with our lives. We’re not all obsessed with food and how many calories we eat. Sorry you don’t like that.

Cool. We agree to disagree.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

Hi there! It isn't really that hard to make a reservation for Easter brunch somewhere. Nobody needs to cook, clean or host. It really isn't that hard. But to slap some dinner together is pretty lame when it was avoidable to prove some larger point to the husband. Kids notice these things especially if it deviates from the norm. Keep the kids out of it.

Right. So then all the work falls back on OP. And it’s now her fault if the kids are brought into it. No thanks.

What work? Booking a reservation? That's a lot of work to do. It takes less effort that writing the multi paragraph post. It's not making beds, coffee, or small talk.

Why didn’t DH do it if it wasn’t hard? Hmm?

Not my problem. But I'm not going to eat a greasy store bought chicken just to prove a point. You can cut off your nose to spite your face, I would make a different decision on that one very small thing.

ok way to miss the point but good for you

No I'm not missing the point. I'm just saying on this one issue I would have just booked a reservation b/c I'm not going to choke down gross food to make a point. That is shooting yourself in the foot. Things that impact the ILs like made beds, coffee, chit chat, cleaning, prepping, etc are fair game. But the food is something that impacts me, so I would handle that separately.

NP. I guess some of us figure there are 365 days a year, so if dinner isn’t great on one of those days, there are other days to have a good dinner. And then there’s you, twisting yourself into bitter knots over a rotisserie chicken.

No, there's me just making a reservation. Then there's you getting bent out of shape that I would have done something different that took almost no effort than you. Maybe just move on and accept that people are different. There's no right answer here and OP isn't sitting there smug and satisfied with herself either with her "can't win for losing" attitude.

I didn’t realize dinner at a place that requires a reservation was free. If I were OP, I wouldn’t want to buy dinner for ILs who can’t even make their own coffee, either.

Who pays is a separate issue. My ILs always pay. My parents insist on splitting the bill. So if it involved my ILs I would make the reservation knowing they would be footing the bill. But if this is the hill you want to die on, so be it.

The hill *I* want to die on? Babe, I ate at a restaurant with my parents, ILs, and my brother and his significant other for Easter. We had a great time! But you telling OP “just do it, it’s so easy” is rich. If it’s easy, DH can do it. If he didn’t do it, that’s on him, not her. OP’s frustration here is not “I ate rotisserie chicken” it’s “I communicated with my husband and dropped the rope, and somehow MIL is texting me because it wasn’t a great visit.” OK?

Darling, I'm not going to eat crap food to prove a point, have I not made that clear yet? What a silly waste of time and calories. And I never told OP to "just do it" I said that's where I would draw the line. I would just do it myself. Sorry you don't like that. OP doesn't sound too confident in her decisions if she's complaining here about it.

NP. It sounds like you have made the decision to pick up slack so your husband doesn’t have to help. If that’s what you are doing, ok. Doesn’t try to pressure other women into not addressing their own unequal relationships.

Yes, you have it all figured out! Making a reservation means he never has to lift a finger. But I'm not the one whining on here about my failing marriage and upset in-laws.

I mean…you don’t sound like a happy person…

[Anonymous]

I think dropping the rope on hosting was totally fine and hopefully DH will learn from the experience and do better next time. I think text exchange does sound cold on your end. I think I would have said something like:

Of course I'm not made at you, why do you ask? and then if they reference things being different during the visit, you could say something like "It was great to see you at Easter and the kids had so much fun! I've had so much to take care of at work that DH said he would take the lead on hosting. I know it was a bit different than usual, but I really appreciated having him step up! Excited to see you this summer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I haven't read all the replies and I do absolutely sympathize with you. I do think you could have been a tad nicer here, however. You could have set out the coffee stuff, and honestly, when your MIL texted, if you like your MIL and the ILs are good to you and your kids, you should have picked up the phone and talked to her. Because to her this looks like you didn't want them there and wanted them to know it versus your husband said he'd do the heavy lifting and he dropped the ball. She should be having the discussion with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

OP, I was with you until the end. How did the text conversation with your MIL actually go? It's rude to tell guests that you didn't want to host them. The correct response to "Are you mad?" is "No, of course not. Why do you ask?" If she then says "It didn't seem like you wanted us there." the response should have been "I'm sorry it seemed that way! I was feeling too exhausted to host this holiday, so DH said he would take care of the details. I know everything didn't go perfectly, but it was important to me to give him a chance to live up to his word. I also think he learned a little bit about how much work goes into properly hosting guests. I hope you still had a nice time."

Given the information you shared it sort of feels like your MIL is letting you know that she felt unwelcome and you are basically saying "yeah, that's because I didn't welcome you." But it actually seems more complex and understandable than that.

I just posted without reading any replies and shame on me - this is exactly my take.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I haven't read all the replies and I do absolutely sympathize with you. I do think you could have been a tad nicer here, however. You could have set out the coffee stuff, and honestly, when your MIL texted, if you like your MIL and the ILs are good to you and your kids, you should have picked up the phone and talked to her. Because to her this looks like you didn't want them there and wanted them to know it versus your husband said he'd do the heavy lifting and he dropped the ball. She should be having the discussion with him.

Why would anyone need to “set out” coffee in the home of family? I’ve been to my aunt’s “retirement home” house in Indiana exactly three times, and I know where the coffee is. If I got up before her, I’d make a pot. Is it really so hard for people to reach into a cabinet and pull out coffee and filters, and a mug? Plus if I visited my adult son and somehow didn’t feel welcome or catered to, I would text HIM about it, not his wife. What’s up with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

I haven't read all the replies and I do absolutely sympathize with you. I do think you could have been a tad nicer here, however. You could have set out the coffee stuff, and honestly, when your MIL texted, if you like your MIL and the ILs are good to you and your kids, you should have picked up the phone and talked to her. Because to her this looks like you didn't want them there and wanted them to know it versus your husband said he'd do the heavy lifting and he dropped the ball. She should be having the discussion with him.

I agree with this take. DH should call his mom and let her know this isn’t about her, he was trying to host this time around and dropped tge ball a bit. No big deal but she will know it’s not personal.