I dropped the hosting rope and now ILs think I’m ‘mad’ at them

[Anonymous]

OP, if may help to realize that there was no way past the prior pattern without people (or at least someone) feeling pretty crappy about it.

Nothing was changing for you. The pattern was not one you could keep holding up and feel good about. Things changed. It was awkward. Other people felt bad. But, someone was going to feel bad, and you had been feeling bad for years.

The important things is what happens going forward. Does your spouse feel up to (and want to) pick up the rope for hosting his family? Does he recognize more fully how much work is involved and agree to split the work more evenly?

Those are questions that have answers in your life, not on DCUM. Figure that part out next. You can possibly get to a place where nobody really feels bad about these events and interactions, but it's not going to look exactly like what it did before. What it WILL look like is up to the conversations you have with your spouse and what conclusions the two of you can come to.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it was rude, at all, to tell the truth. My mom, my dad and my MIL/FIL could all certainly understand “I didn’t feel like hosting.” I’ve made probably 25 holiday meals for my ILs. We always discuss who will host, and my MIL has definitely said, out loud, “I don’t want to deal with a turkey dinner this year.” Grown adults can understand this.

And if the son I raised was such a poor host, I’d be mortified. I’d tell DIL good for her for not wanting to host, and then next time I’d be sure to talk to my son about the visit, make plans, etc. I’d also offer to HELP by bringing food or taking them out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

You aren't mad at them, but you are mad at your dh. I don't blame you. They picked up on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

What does this part mean? Easter is an important enough event for his family that they want to come visit, you have tasked him with hosting -- what is "his own thing" that he had to go do during this one night?

There are very unhealthy gender dynamics with your MIL texting you about this etc.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting that OP got that text, while DH didn’t even spend time with his parents (left to do his own thing so the parents went to bed earlier then normal) and somehow that’s not the behavior the grandparents are nitpick-y of.

Team OP!

[Anonymous]

You weren't rude to your MIL. You were just honest. Your husband is slowly realizing how much work hosting is, and getting embarrassed he wasn't organized about it.

[Anonymous]

I do agree that you could have answered her question in a way that framed this more as a liberating step toward duty-sharing rather than "here's what's wrong . . . I didn't want to host." This implies you've been resenting their visits and your hostess duties for a long time.

But . . . it's pretty much the truth, so it was fine to say so if you don't mind your in-laws being privy to this kind of relationship info.

The goal is to get to the point where you don't GAF if they interpret your actions as being about them. If you put out there that this is simply a normal way for an adult to allow their spouse to handle his parents visiting, it will become the norm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For years, I’ve been the one doing the heavy lifting of planning and hosting holidays, or working out logistics of vacations with DH’s family. We have two daughters in elementary and both work outside the home. I’ve done all this unseen emotional and physical labor for years, and—following DCUM’s advice—I have tried to talk to my husband about it, time and again.

No matter what, he kind of reverts to a college age guy when he’s with them. He’s so focused on hanging out with his dad and brother that he doesn’t seem to remember that he’s also a father and a husband, and it’s not fair to leave everything to me. All the parenting, all the work, all the chores. It’s so imbalanced. Even when I (per DCUM’s favorite line) “use my words” and ask DH, FIL, MIL and BIL to help me, I always end up doing most of the work when they visit and when we visit them or go on vacation.

Well, enough is enough. He wanted to host them for Easter. I told him fine, they can visit, but I’m not cooking, cleaning or hosting: he wants the visit, he can make it all happen. I told him I would be making sure the girls have Easter outfits, I would be buying Easter candy, and he would be in charge of egg dyeing and hiding per usual (he likes to do that). He said oh fine, we’ll just order pizza and go out to dinner or whatever.

Well, DH didn’t do much, and it showed. He had no plans for any dinner, so everything was ordered late. He couldn’t get a last-minute reservation (shock), so he just bought rotisserie chickens and stuff for Easter dinner; fine. They had to wait after arriving for him to put clean sheets on their bed and clean up the guest bathroom downstairs. I just let it all happen and did my own thing when I wanted or needed to. I talked to them a bit each night after the kids were in bed, but then I went to bed to watch TV. I didn’t spend every minute “chatting” with them like I normally do. DH also went to go do his own thing, so they went to bed earlier than they normally do. I don’t drink coffee so I didn’t set it up. When they asked about it in the morning, I told them it was a standard drip and they could help themselves. They know where the coffee stuff is.

Well, got a text from MIL yesterday asking if I was mad at her/mad at FIL, what was wrong. I replied that I didn’t feel like hosting this holiday, and DH said he would be happy to do the hosting work. She then went silent for a few hours before replying simply “OK.” Now DH is texting me asking me why I was rude to his parents and why I’m mad at them. You can’t win for losing!

What does this part mean? Easter is an important enough event for his family that they want to come visit, you have tasked him with hosting -- what is "his own thing" that he had to go do during this one night?

There are very unhealthy gender dynamics with your MIL texting you about this etc.

Nooooo, OP did not “task” her husband with anything. That would make her the manager, yes? That would make her default in charge of holidays and visits, right? Talk about unhealthy gender dynamics with your premise. OP communicated to her husband that she would not be hosting. That isn’t “tasking,” that’s making it clear she won’t be doing something, so he can do it if he wants it done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that OP got that text, while DH didn’t even spend time with his parents (left to do his own thing so the parents went to bed earlier then normal) and somehow that’s not the behavior the grandparents are nitpick-y of.

Team OP!

+1 Yeah, I thought that was interesting, too. OP got tired of taking primarily responsiblity for 'kin keeping'. That and gendered roles explain so much OP's DH and IL's attitudes/responses.

Stay strong, OP! You're shaking up the status quo and it wouldn't surprise me if behaviors escalated a bit before they settle down to a new, more equitable level.

https://graziadaily.co.uk/life/parenting/kin-keeping-women-invisible-labour/

[Anonymous]

This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

[Anonymous]

I think your MIL should have texted her DH, not you. But I also think that your response to her was unnecessarily rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is so stupid. I would still want my kids to have a nice Easter dinner so I would have figured that part out. Maybe left your husband to put the sheets on the bed and whatever but I wouldn't put my kids in the middle of this marital dysfunction. What would you have done if the in-laws weren't coming for the day would you really have done nothing anyway?

Hello, she bought the Easter candy and Easter outfits. Candy for dinner one night of the year is fine, particularly when dressed in pastel finery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL should have texted her DH, not you. But I also think that your response to her was unnecessarily rude.

How is simple honestly rude? OP is a working mom. Her husband is a working dad. OP has done the majority of hosting and holidays for years, and if MIL can’t recognize all that work and understand that OP didn’t feel like hosting for once, that’s on MIL. If my DIL told me she was tired of hosting, I’d get that. And I wouldn’t have texted her or asked her to make me coffee in the first place! The OP said she talked with her ILs after the kids went to bed every night. If she then went to go take a break, ILs were free to go find their son. Or you know, read a book or a magazine, do a crossword, watch TV or entertain themselves like they must do every other day of their lives when DIL isn’t around.

[Anonymous]

Golden opportunity to have texted back -
No why did you think I was mad?
Btw DH such an amazing job hosting.
He really wanted to host you all and was happy to give it a go.
I think he a did a great job. He has been totally underestimating his abilities for years

[Anonymous]

Op --- it takes YEARS to change expectations. But it's worth it. Stick to it. You will just have to develop a thicker skin. If MIL dares to question this more than once, tell her DH will have to get back to her on this. If your husband ALSO tries this emotional manipulation (manipulation because he KNOWS why things were done/not done), don't entertain this conversation in the least. Don't respond, or remind him gently but don't escalate. Stick to it, stick to the new entertaining plan. You are entitled to carry-on with this newer plan.