18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

An 18 year old in high school is not an adult.

Yes, they are.

They can sign legal contracts, including enlisting in the military or getting married.
If they commit a crime, they will be tried as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

An 18 year old in high school is not an adult.

Yes, they are.

They can sign legal contracts, including enlisting in the military or getting married.
If they commit a crime, they will be tried as an adult

Good then she can supper herself. Like an adult. Good luck with that, kid.

[Anonymous]

Yes OP mentioned the car payment, but nothing about her phone access. To me, those 2 things are the lifeline most teens need.

Did she buy the car? Did she buy the phone? Does she pay insurance or cell bill? Internet? Netflix login, etc? I would start cutting those things off NOW. She's calling your bluff basically and saying she doesn't want to do dishes twice a night. Make it a very expensive choice. Has she ever looked at a cell/internet bill and seen how expensive it is to not just be an "added line" on someone else's account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

I moved out when I was 19. I was horrible to my parents and hated all the damn rules my parents gave me and hated them too. They cut me off. They took my car, my allowance, my computer. I was allowed to pack clothes and that's it. They told me that if I was leaving, I need to learn to live truly on my own. I moved to my friend's house, her family was wealthy and welcoming. She had rules too, but I was ok with that because I was making a point. After 3 months her parents told me basically that I had overstayed and that I should go back home or find other accommodation. I had a part-time job at the time, not enough to pay rent. I didn't know what to do, so I went back home. Now as an adult with kids of my own, I feel awful for the way I treated my wonderful parents. I know how stressed they were for me when I left and how tough they had to be to teach me a lesson. But a lesson I learned very well. I eventually went to college, got my degree and started my career. My parents never pressured me, they wanted me to be ready to go to college. I have a great relationship with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

I moved out when I was 19. I was horrible to my parents and hated all the damn rules my parents gave me and hated them too. They cut me off. They took my car, my allowance, my computer. I was allowed to pack clothes and that's it. They told me that if I was leaving, I need to learn to live truly on my own. I moved to my friend's house, her family was wealthy and welcoming. She had rules too, but I was ok with that because I was making a point. After 3 months her parents told me basically that I had overstayed and that I should go back home or find other accommodation. I had a part-time job at the time, not enough to pay rent. I didn't know what to do, so I went back home. Now as an adult with kids of my own, I feel awful for the way I treated my wonderful parents. I know how stressed they were for me when I left and how tough they had to be to teach me a lesson. But a lesson I learned very well. I eventually went to college, got my degree and started my career. My parents never pressured me, they wanted me to be ready to go to college. I have a great relationship with them.

Not to mention going to live with someone else’s parents isn’t living on your own, no matter what a know-it-all 18 yo thinks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad tried to enforce a curfew of midnight even after I had left for college and came home for Christmas. That was the last time I went home.

Parents have a very hard time with adult kids home on breaks. Kids have no idea the worry and disruption it causes a parent when you are under their roof and just might not come home one night or come in at 3am waking up parents that need to go to work. Most parents don't sleep well because they are waiting to hear your key in the door and know you are safe.

A lot of posters sound like selfish little brats.

I admit, I was a PIA and so were my siblings on breaks during college. It wasn't until I grew up and had older kids of my own that I understood. Now my mom asking 'you are just going out NOW, at 10:30pm makes a lot of sense'...on a weeknight no less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

I moved out when I was 19. I was horrible to my parents and hated all the damn rules my parents gave me and hated them too. They cut me off. They took my car, my allowance, my computer. I was allowed to pack clothes and that's it. They told me that if I was leaving, I need to learn to live truly on my own. I moved to my friend's house, her family was wealthy and welcoming. She had rules too, but I was ok with that because I was making a point. After 3 months her parents told me basically that I had overstayed and that I should go back home or find other accommodation. I had a part-time job at the time, not enough to pay rent. I didn't know what to do, so I went back home. Now as an adult with kids of my own, I feel awful for the way I treated my wonderful parents. I know how stressed they were for me when I left and how tough they had to be to teach me a lesson. But a lesson I learned very well. I eventually went to college, got my degree and started my career. My parents never pressured me, they wanted me to be ready to go to college. I have a great relationship with them.

Not to mention going to live with someone else’s parents isn’t living on your own, no matter what a know-it-all 18 yo thinks.

Exactly!! Going to stay with richer parents that have no rules or boundaries...great. You are soooo independent

[Anonymous]

You should sit her down and hand her a budget worksheet with line items showing groceries, car (and don't give her yours, she can buy one herself once she saves up enough, and make sure you point out she has no credit so she won't qualify for a car loan and will have to save up thousands of dollars first), car insurance, gas, health insurance (you can show her what it would cost her on the market and offer to let her get that or pay her pro rata share of the family plan). Ask her if she needs to add a line item to contribute to utilities/internet at her friend's house or if they are covering that.

I'd just be very matter of fact about it and say, ok if you are going to do this then here is what you need to know about the financials of it. Make sure she understands what a deductible is and what dental insurance does and doesn't cover.

Does she have a bank account? If not, is she planning to open one?

[Anonymous]

Time for her to start paying rent, and for her own bills, phone, car etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

An 18 year old in high school is not an adult.

Except, in the eyes of the law they are an adult.

Work to change the law if you disagree.

All the people who want to red shirt their kids so desperately should be reading this. Imagine dealing with a 19 year old senior in high school!

Just stop with this. My kid turns 18 in October of senior year. He wasn’t red-shirted but he’ll be a legal adult nearly the entire year anyway. We have a good relationship and don’t anticipate this kind of drama. But who knows!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

An 18 year old in high school is not an adult.

Except, in the eyes of the law they are an adult.

Work to change the law if you disagree.

All the people who want to red shirt their kids so desperately should be reading this. Imagine dealing with a 19 year old senior in high school!

Just stop with this. My kid turns 18 in October of senior year. He wasn’t red-shirted but he’ll be a legal adult nearly the entire year anyway. We have a good relationship and don’t anticipate this kind of drama. But who knows!

So grateful I sent my child to school at the normal time. He'll turn 18 in the spring of his senior year like normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

I moved out when I was 19. I was horrible to my parents and hated all the damn rules my parents gave me and hated them too. They cut me off. They took my car, my allowance, my computer. I was allowed to pack clothes and that's it. They told me that if I was leaving, I need to learn to live truly on my own. I moved to my friend's house, her family was wealthy and welcoming. She had rules too, but I was ok with that because I was making a point. After 3 months her parents told me basically that I had overstayed and that I should go back home or find other accommodation. I had a part-time job at the time, not enough to pay rent. I didn't know what to do, so I went back home. Now as an adult with kids of my own, I feel awful for the way I treated my wonderful parents. I know how stressed they were for me when I left and how tough they had to be to teach me a lesson. But a lesson I learned very well. I eventually went to college, got my degree and started my career. My parents never pressured me, they wanted me to be ready to go to college. I have a great relationship with them.

Not to mention going to live with someone else’s parents isn’t living on your own, no matter what a know-it-all 18 yo thinks.

She still had no responsibilities and those parents paid everything. She should have paid rent. Good for her parents. They were right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You raised your child in a manner that made her want to run as soon as possible. And your first thought is more rules and chores.

She never had any complaints. We are pretty chill parents. I think she just craves full independence which is something she can’t do while still in HS under our roof. I let a lot go but have boundaries.

I think she sees her friend do whatever she wants and craves the same thing.

Or maybe we suck and when she lives with her friend she’ll be happier. But with us comes a lot of benefits her friend does not have. I believe she’ll see that but I want it to be a lesson she learns for herself.

Makes sense, as do the car payments but upholding funding for college. Seems like you have good reasoning and a good plan — I say go for it.

[Anonymous]

This thread is full of so much bad advice. Over in the public school forum people are demanding that the schools fix the discipline problems in MCPS. While on this forum people are insisting that OP should treat her DD like an adult. No wonder kids are out of control.
Being an adult isn't a license to do whatever you want. Plenty of adults have expectations and obligations that they need to meet. I tell my kids that rights and responsibilities go together. You don't get one without the other.
OP, if your daughter leaves don't make it easy for her. Tell her that she can come back if it doesn't work out but she can't take resources that you paid for with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

An 18 year old in high school is not an adult.

Except, in the eyes of the law they are an adult.

Work to change the law if you disagree.

All the people who want to red shirt their kids so desperately should be reading this. Imagine dealing with a 19 year old senior in high school!

Just stop with this. My kid turns 18 in October of senior year. He wasn’t red-shirted but he’ll be a legal adult nearly the entire year anyway. We have a good relationship and don’t anticipate this kind of drama. But who knows!

So grateful I sent my child to school at the normal time. He'll turn 18 in the spring of his senior year like normal.

The pp you quoted sent her kid to school at "the normal time" too. Not every kid has a spring birthday.