18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you talked with your DD's friend's parents? Are you sure they are on board? Will they expect you to pay them towards groceries, etc? Has your DD been accepted into any colleges yet? What are your DD's plans for this summer?

DDs friends Mom is very much a “cool Mom”. She has an out of town boyfriend and is not at the home much so yes. It’s a lot of freedom for DD. The friend is mostly home alone but also works tons to essentially support herself. DD seems to just want the benefit of doing what she wants when she wants but doesn’t seem to grasp that her friend doesn’t have a lot of privileges she does.

[Anonymous]

Honestly 10pm does sound really conservative to me. In HS I had official activities that went later than that. I'd take that to midnight and ask for chores still. Is that the real sticking point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

I mean, I guess we have three options.

We let her move out and cut all financial support and have her pay her own bills.

We make her stay and give her the same consequences we give out 15-year-old if she breaks curfew/doesn’t complete chores

We have her stay and let her do as she pleases. She can leave and go as she wants. She doesn’t have any responsibilities to the home and family.

I’m truly at a loss of what’s best here.

\

You need to think long and hard about what the consequences will be to YOU of these various choices. Picture your daughter moving herself to college, among all the other families helping their kids move in. You think that is a kid coming home for Thanksgiving? That kind of rupture has lasting consequences. Would you even go to her HS graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

She has a scholarship but I don’t think she realizes what other expenses will come with university. We don’t want to hang it over her head or threaten to not pay if she moves out because that seems extreme. I’m hoping she learns a lesson these next few months and grows to appreciate what DH and I do for her.

Yes, we have some rules but she hasn’t had to work 25-30 hours a week through HS like her friend has.

You're behaving really recklessly OP. So recklessly that I can't quite believe it. All over chores? You're going to kick her out over chore and her curfew? Let me tell you what will not happen: she will not "learn a lesson." She will go off to college completely alienated and will not come home again. She'll take loans and jobs to pay for it. That will be the end of your relationship with her, forever, or for a very long time.

I think you should call a truce and go see a family therapist.

I’m not kicking her out though?

She wants to leave. Do I let her?

Honestly how exactly would you handle it? I’m genuinely curious.

End your DDs curfew? Tell her she no longer has chores? (Which are very basic, btw. Keep her room clean, so the dishes two nights a week, feed the dog every morning).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

I mean, I guess we have three options.

We let her move out and cut all financial support and have her pay her own bills.

We make her stay and give her the same consequences we give out 15-year-old if she breaks curfew/doesn’t complete chores

We have her stay and let her do as she pleases. She can leave and go as she wants. She doesn’t have any responsibilities to the home and family.

I’m truly at a loss of what’s best here.

\

You need to think long and hard about what the consequences will be to YOU of these various choices. Picture your daughter moving herself to college, among all the other families helping their kids move in. You think that is a kid coming home for Thanksgiving? That kind of rupture has lasting consequences. Would you even go to her HS graduation?

Ok, fair enough.

So should I not allow her to move out and take away all her boundaries and responsibilities at home? That just feels like I’m giving her all the freedom but also taking all the responsibility from her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

I mean, I guess we have three options.

We let her move out and cut all financial support and have her pay her own bills.

We make her stay and give her the same consequences we give out 15-year-old if she breaks curfew/doesn’t complete chores

We have her stay and let her do as she pleases. She can leave and go as she wants. She doesn’t have any responsibilities to the home and family.

I’m truly at a loss of what’s best here.

\

You need to think long and hard about what the consequences will be to YOU of these various choices. Picture your daughter moving herself to college, among all the other families helping their kids move in. You think that is a kid coming home for Thanksgiving? That kind of rupture has lasting consequences. Would you even go to her HS graduation?

Ok, fair enough.

So should I not allow her to move out and take away all her boundaries and responsibilities at home? That just feels like I’m giving her all the freedom but also taking all the responsibility from her as well.

She doesn't need a curfew. You should try a different approach on chores.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of the curfew. Give her weekly not daily chores. You are destroying your relationship with your child over nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

I mean, I guess we have three options.

We let her move out and cut all financial support and have her pay her own bills.

We make her stay and give her the same consequences we give out 15-year-old if she breaks curfew/doesn’t complete chores

We have her stay and let her do as she pleases. She can leave and go as she wants. She doesn’t have any responsibilities to the home and family.

I’m truly at a loss of what’s best here.

\

You need to think long and hard about what the consequences will be to YOU of these various choices. Picture your daughter moving herself to college, among all the other families helping their kids move in. You think that is a kid coming home for Thanksgiving? That kind of rupture has lasting consequences. Would you even go to her HS graduation?

Ok, fair enough.

So should I not allow her to move out and take away all her boundaries and responsibilities at home? That just feels like I’m giving her all the freedom but also taking all the responsibility from her as well.

She doesn't need a curfew. You should try a different approach on chores.

Ok, if we got rid of the curfew what different approach would we have on chores?

They are not insane requests. I don’t know if we’re comfortable allowing her to not do the chores that are expected from everyone in our household while continuing to pay for her car insurance, phone, extracurriculares, any food she wants etc.

I do not think it’s good for her to have all the freedom without the responsibility.

[Anonymous]

OP I would talk to her about a compromise with which you both can live.

[Anonymous]

No phone no car until she does her chores and keeps the curfew.
She may try to move out, but will eventually get into a fight with her friend and move back home.
Keep your rules when she comes back.

[Anonymous]

She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

[Anonymous]

A curfew for a legal adult is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Can't believe no one has called troll on this yet! Supportively let your pretend kid do whatever she pretend wants for a couple months....she'll get a preview of what independent life is like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut car access.

We said if she moves out she’ll have to make car payments since the vehicle is ours. We settled for $300 a month.

Settled?

You’re basically writing the check for her to leave.

Why are you giving her anything? If she wants to be independent make her be independent. Put her stuff in garbage bags stick them in your-her car and mail her a real bill for the real car payment. Better yet, put it in her name and make her get her own insurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

Not OP, but adults living in my home would be expected to contribute towards the running and upkeep of the household, i.e. chores. If the adult decided they didn't want to do anything, they would not be able to stay in my home.