18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

My dad tried to enforce a curfew of midnight even after I had left for college and came home for Christmas. That was the last time I went home.

[Anonymous]

High school is over in what, 3-3.5 months? I wouldn’t drive her away over a reluctance to do chores. I suspect it’s more that she wants to be treated like an adult rather than you running the show. Why not take the time before college to bring her in on the planning and decision-making…deciding what’s for dinner, when to grocery shop, when to eat out, when/where/how long to go on vacation? Being an adult isn’t all paying bills, it’s getting to decide which bills to take on. There’s a tremendous freedom in that.

[Anonymous]

Well, let's hope this will be your child's only idiotic decision, OP. If it is, you can all laugh about it years from now. What matters is that she's SAFE. Is the other house in a safe neighborhood? Are they planning on having parties, will she be careful with drugs, drinking and driving?

I think having a conversation from a point of view of concern for her safety will go down much better than a conversation of "I'm the parent and I make the rules", which on its face is unfair and irrational.

And then you discuss money. Where will it come from? Your support for bad decisions will obviously not be generous. Will she need a car and whose it is?

If you think she can be a responsible person who will keep herself safe, maybe you can authorize use of the car, pocket money, etc. And sell that as a privilege you can take away if she does not communicate with you regularly while she lives elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letting her go before college is more than just letting her live somewhere else. It’s allowing her to control the narrative. And showing your younger daughter that she can push you all around at that age too. Highly recommend you not let this happen. But I feel for you. I have an almost 18 year old who plans to get a tattoo and nose piercing on her 18th which I could care less about but I’m sure that’s just the tip of the iceberg she is going to throw my way. She’s also a straight A student and holds down a PT job that she takes public transport to. Not much I will be able to do other than control the finances for college.

“Letting her” she’s 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad tried to enforce a curfew of midnight even after I had left for college and came home for Christmas. That was the last time I went home.

You never came back home over a stupid curfew? Your issues seem deeper than a curfew.

[Anonymous]

All of the rights, none of the responsibilities. Sounds about right.

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. The friend's family is going to let her live there rent-free? And not do chores? This would be a huge burden to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

That’s what I think is the best course of action. I do not want to cut access to car because she does need to be able to get to work & school. But we think we may have her make a payment to us as a “lease” on the vehicle. I’m a little unsure on this because we do expect her to take that vehicle to college but wouldn’t have her make a payment to us for it. So making her pay $300 a month know would seem like a punishment to her because she moved out.

I just want her to understand that adult life is very hard. Freedom is great but it comes with the loss of a lot of comfort and much more responsibility.

I don’t think it’s a great idea to give her all this freedom and no responsibility.

So what happens if she doesn't feel like making her car payment.

She wants tough love. Let her have tough love then. What is this half foot in half foot out deal?

[Anonymous]

Do chores or no car. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

This, 100%, phone goes off, no car, no money what so ever. Adults support themselves. She can get a job.

+1 I can’t believe OP is settling on just $300/month for the car! Ridiculous! Grow up OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You raised your child in a manner that made her want to run as soon as possible. And your first thought is more rules and chores.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad tried to enforce a curfew of midnight even after I had left for college and came home for Christmas. That was the last time I went home.

You never came back home over a stupid curfew? Your issues seem deeper than a curfew.

I would have chafed against a curfew at that age. And not necessarily because of the curfew per se, but for what it represented: an inappropriate attempt to impose burdensome and unnecessary rules on another adult, rather than respecting their autonomy.

Back to OP: I think it is reasonable to have some rules (e.g. chores). But you should discuss them and agree them with the adult child, rather than impose them arbitrarily.

[Anonymous]

Who is paying for her car, college, cell phone, insurance, food etc? If it’s you, tell her all of those things will stop since she’s now a legal adult and can “take care of herself”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

She has a scholarship but I don’t think she realizes what other expenses will come with university. We don’t want to hang it over her head or threaten to not pay if she moves out because that seems extreme. I’m hoping she learns a lesson these next few months and grows to appreciate what DH and I do for her.

Yes, we have some rules but she hasn’t had to work 25-30 hours a week through HS like her friend has.

You're behaving really recklessly OP. So recklessly that I can't quite believe it. All over chores? You're going to kick her out over chore and her curfew? Let me tell you what will not happen: she will not "learn a lesson." She will go off to college completely alienated and will not come home again. She'll take loans and jobs to pay for it. That will be the end of your relationship with her, forever, or for a very long time.

I think you should call a truce and go see a family therapist.

OP isn't kicking her out; she says she'll go and move in with a friend if her parents don't lift her curfew and let her out of doing any chores.

[Anonymous]

We are missing something here.

No 18-year-old wakes up one morning and says I'm moving out because I don't like doing chores? What are these "chores that is so egregious that she's moving out?

She's 18 let her leave. Stop paying everything. If she doesn't graduate fine. Do not pay for college, car, phone, insurance heath & car, & food. Look she wants to be an adult that;s on her.

My guess is OP has not told us everything.