18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

[Anonymous]

Cut car access.

[Anonymous]

You raised your child in a manner that made her want to run as soon as possible. And your first thought is more rules and chores.

[Anonymous]

Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

[Anonymous]

If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You raised your child in a manner that made her want to run as soon as possible. And your first thought is more rules and chores.

She never had any complaints. We are pretty chill parents. I think she just craves full independence which is something she can’t do while still in HS under our roof. I let a lot go but have boundaries.

I think she sees her friend do whatever she wants and craves the same thing.

Or maybe we suck and when she lives with her friend she’ll be happier. But with us comes a lot of benefits her friend does not have. I believe she’ll see that but I want it to be a lesson she learns for herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut car access.

We said if she moves out she’ll have to make car payments since the vehicle is ours. We settled for $300 a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

She has a scholarship but I don’t think she realizes what other expenses will come with university. We don’t want to hang it over her head or threaten to not pay if she moves out because that seems extreme. I’m hoping she learns a lesson these next few months and grows to appreciate what DH and I do for her.

Yes, we have some rules but she hasn’t had to work 25-30 hours a week through HS like her friend has.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you really willing to let her move out over chores? And if so, where does your financial support end? If you’re going to pay her college and you’re willing to let her move out over chores, you have to be willing to let go of any influence you have. OTOH, what will improve your relationship.

I mean, I guess we have three options.

We let her move out and cut all financial support and have her pay her own bills.

We make her stay and give her the same consequences we give out 15-year-old if she breaks curfew/doesn’t complete chores

We have her stay and let her do as she pleases. She can leave and go as she wants. She doesn’t have any responsibilities to the home and family.

I’m truly at a loss of what’s best here.

[Anonymous]

OP have you talked with your DD's friend's parents? Are you sure they are on board? Will they expect you to pay them towards groceries, etc? Has your DD been accepted into any colleges yet? What are your DD's plans for this summer?

[Anonymous]

I was always very clear with my kids that while they live under my roof, regardless of their age, they follow my rules. Turning 18 is irrelevant at home. She wants to leave, she can leave with the clothes on her back and nothing I've bought for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut car access.

We said if she moves out she’ll have to make car payments since the vehicle is ours. We settled for $300 a month.

I guess BTDT but no way would I give a car. If she wants one, she does it on her own. But then we’re a family that does not get our kids cars or offer a lot of use of ours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

That’s what I think is the best course of action. I do not want to cut access to car because she does need to be able to get to work & school. But we think we may have her make a payment to us as a “lease” on the vehicle. I’m a little unsure on this because we do expect her to take that vehicle to college but wouldn’t have her make a payment to us for it. So making her pay $300 a month know would seem like a punishment to her because she moved out.

I just want her to understand that adult life is very hard. Freedom is great but it comes with the loss of a lot of comfort and much more responsibility.

I don’t think it’s a great idea to give her all this freedom and no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

She has a scholarship but I don’t think she realizes what other expenses will come with university. We don’t want to hang it over her head or threaten to not pay if she moves out because that seems extreme. I’m hoping she learns a lesson these next few months and grows to appreciate what DH and I do for her.

Yes, we have some rules but she hasn’t had to work 25-30 hours a week through HS like her friend has.

You're behaving really recklessly OP. So recklessly that I can't quite believe it. All over chores? You're going to kick her out over chore and her curfew? Let me tell you what will not happen: she will not "learn a lesson." She will go off to college completely alienated and will not come home again. She'll take loans and jobs to pay for it. That will be the end of your relationship with her, forever, or for a very long time.

I think you should call a truce and go see a family therapist.