18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High school is over in what, 3-3.5 months? I wouldn’t drive her away over a reluctance to do chores. I suspect it’s more that she wants to be treated like an adult rather than you running the show. Why not take the time before college to bring her in on the planning and decision-making…deciding what’s for dinner, when to grocery shop, when to eat out, when/where/how long to go on vacation? Being an adult isn’t all paying bills, it’s getting to decide which bills to take on. There’s a tremendous freedom in that.

That's true, but being an adult also means doing your damn chores. Especially if you have a roommate/housemate, you need to help maintain the living space. I'm fine with letting older teens have more input, but being an adult doesn't mean you don't have to treat others with consideration. 10 pm curfew on school nights is totally reasonable. Other people in the house have to get up for work/school; you coming in really late is disruptive. And nothing good is happening at midnight on a Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

This. She doesn't get it both ways. SHe wants to move out and do as she pleases, she can fund it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying for her car, college, cell phone, insurance, food etc? If it’s you, tell her all of those things will stop since she’s now a legal adult and can “take care of herself”.

This is my answer too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

Not OP, but adults living in my home would be expected to contribute towards the running and upkeep of the household, i.e. chores. If the adult decided they didn't want to do anything, they would not be able to stay in my home.

+1
An adult living in my home would be expected to contribute to the household regularly, not just when they felt like it or when it directly benefited them or only the chores they liked. Maybe no curfew, but that would on the condition that (1) we know where you went and (2) you don't wake anyone up when you come home. That's just basic consideration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

Not OP, but adults living in my home would be expected to contribute towards the running and upkeep of the household, i.e. chores. If the adult decided they didn't want to do anything, they would not be able to stay in my home.

+1
An adult living in my home would be expected to contribute to the household regularly, not just when they felt like it or when it directly benefited them or only the chores they liked. Maybe no curfew, but that would on the condition that (1) we know where you went and (2) you don't wake anyone up when you come home. That's just basic consideration.

OP has already lost this battle.

The kid is now an adult.

We are missing something here. No kid leaves this close to graduation unless something is really wrong.
The whole chore fight is stupid. OP failed way before this.

[Anonymous]

You can and should keep your reasonable boundaries OP, such as curfew. And you can endorse her going to the friend since it’ll be a good test experience for her.

I’d also consider dropping some of the chore requirements if they don’t affect the rest of the family. For example, if she has her own bathroom, she doesn’t have to clean it on your schedule. That’s another good way for her the learn how gross things get if you don’t keep up.

I’d approach her almost as a husband or roommate (eg equal) and say - I drew up these rules without your input. Would you like to propose an alternative we can look at together? I’m open to changing my mind on some things.

[Anonymous]

There is no way this kid is actually moving in with the friend's family, not pay rent, not contribute to chores or groceries. The girl and her friend may be totally on board with it, but there is no way the friend's parents are on board with it. I highly doubt they would be on board with it even if she did offer to chip in. This is just nonsense that the girl is spewing because she's mad that the parents are making her do chores and have a curfew. It's not a realistic option for her.

OP, if you can afford it, do get family counseling before these arguments get out of hand. See if you can work out an agreement on what you all agree is fair. She is an adult who deserves some autonomy, but she is also living on your dime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school is over in what, 3-3.5 months? I wouldn’t drive her away over a reluctance to do chores. I suspect it’s more that she wants to be treated like an adult rather than you running the show. Why not take the time before college to bring her in on the planning and decision-making…deciding what’s for dinner, when to grocery shop, when to eat out, when/where/how long to go on vacation? Being an adult isn’t all paying bills, it’s getting to decide which bills to take on. There’s a tremendous freedom in that.

That's true, but being an adult also means doing your damn chores. Especially if you have a roommate/housemate, you need to help maintain the living space. I'm fine with letting older teens have more input, but being an adult doesn't mean you don't have to treat others with consideration. 10 pm curfew on school nights is totally reasonable. Other people in the house have to get up for work/school; you coming in really late is disruptive. And nothing good is happening at midnight on a Tuesday.

I think this is actually your solution. Accept her argument that she is an adult and you can't force her to do anything. Start identifying challenges that you need to solve together and negotiate as you would with an adult living in your home. If she moves in with this other girl (whose life sounds sad, poor kid) the roommate certainly won't be doing her dishes or cleaning up after her!

Also, OP have you really dug in to understand why your kid has gone through this change? I was a good kid who at some point decided that my parents had no control-that was in response to some pretty deep dysfunction that they would not acknowledge. That may not be the case in your household, but if your goal is to have a good relationship with your child, I do think you want to dig deeper and really listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She turned 18 in mid-January and has decided since she’s a legal adult she can do as she pleases.

Ignoring our pretty liberal curfew (10pm on weekdays, no curfew on weekends as long as she tells us where she is) and not doing any chores. We are not super strict because we really never had to be. We told her while she lives in our home she needs to follow our rules. So… she decided she’ll move out. Plans on moving in with her friends family. This friend is a great kid but her parents are basically non-existent. She does as she pleases and it seems like DH wants the same freedom.

DH wants to ban this but I am kind of want this be a lesson. She’ll be graduating in a few months and then off to college after that and we will have no say. So I feel like we should give her this freedom so if there are any natural consequences we are here as back up vs. it happening when she’s at college.

But we aren’t willing to let her skip chores or show up whenever she pleases at our house. What would you do? I feel like since she’s still in HS we have some power. But that ends soon I guess.

OP - what does her therapist have to say about this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved out at 18 when still a senior and I still have a great relationship with my mom. I think it’s normal to chafe at that age. Tell her you love her, she can always come home, especially if she ever feels unsafe, and wish her the best.

Agree. I think OP has two options here:

1) Let her move out, but make sure she knows you still support and love her, and will go to graduation, help her move into her dorm, etc.

2) Remove all curfew and expectations at home and ignore bad behaivor like not doing dishes. If the issue is *actually* the chores then make some attempt to negotiate with her over it. Maybe there's a chore she would like to take charge of (cooking once a week? groceries?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Letting her go before college is more than just letting her live somewhere else. It’s allowing her to control the narrative. And showing your younger daughter that she can push you all around at that age too. Highly recommend you not let this happen. But I feel for you. I have an almost 18 year old who plans to get a tattoo and nose piercing on her 18th which I could care less about but I’m sure that’s just the tip of the iceberg she is going to throw my way. She’s also a straight A student and holds down a PT job that she takes public transport to. Not much I will be able to do other than control the finances for college.

Wow, sure sounds like you have a TERRIBLE daughter there! Straight As, PT job. You definitely need to crack down and manipulate her with her college education money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

Not OP, but adults living in my home would be expected to contribute towards the running and upkeep of the household, i.e. chores. If the adult decided they didn't want to do anything, they would not be able to stay in my home.

+1
An adult living in my home would be expected to contribute to the household regularly, not just when they felt like it or when it directly benefited them or only the chores they liked. Maybe no curfew, but that would on the condition that (1) we know where you went and (2) you don't wake anyone up when you come home. That's just basic consideration.

It is not basic consideration to tell adult roommates where you went. You should come in quietly, but if someone is a very light sleeper or wakes up, that’s not your problem. I don’t think you treat an 18 year old senior as an adult, and it’s ridiculous to pretend that you are. But you can give a lot more freedom, such as no curfew.

[Anonymous]

I moved out of the house at 18 (birthday in mid-January, too). It was kind of dysfunctional with my parents for a while, but it worked out by the end of summer. We all went up to my college to move me in in the fall. Take a deep breath, OP. Not sure what you should do, but this truly is a blip in the scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

Consider which rules you can relax and which are non-negotiable. Do your best to actually give her more freedom - you clearly can't control her anymore, but can negotiate and reason with her instead (like an adult). If there are things she wants from you, then you can use them as leverage - she wants to borrow your car, then maybe it's fair to ask her to finish some chores. Maybe a curfew is unreasonable, but she can check in with her cell phone so you don't worry if she's late. And so on.

[Anonymous]

Either move the curfew back or remove it. See if she’s willing to handle different chores, like doing a drive up grocery pickup and putting things away. Don’t permanently damage your relationship over something so temporary - trust me, I’ve been there and never wanted to go back and visit my parents. Even decades later.