18-year-old DD doesn’t think she has to listen to us anymore

[Anonymous]

Her attitude was formed by things that happened or didn't happen in her upbringing long before this. If you give it some honest thought and reflection, her actions now probably shouldn't be surprising to you.

[Anonymous]

I moved out at 18 when still a senior and I still have a great relationship with my mom. I think it’s normal to chafe at that age. Tell her you love her, she can always come home, especially if she ever feels unsafe, and wish her the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut car access.

We said if she moves out she’ll have to make car payments since the vehicle is ours. We settled for $300 a month.

I guess BTDT but no way would I give a car. If she wants one, she does it on her own. But then we’re a family that does not get our kids cars or offer a lot of use of ours.

And OP said “she doesn’t have to work 25/30 hours a week like her friend does,” but somehow she’s going to make a $300/month car payment? This story is not adding up.

[Anonymous]

I always tell my multiple 18+ year olds that they are free to do what they want in their own place. Until then I have some rules which aren't terrible. Go to school and do your chores.

If you can't do those out you go but my car and phone stay with me. None of them have taken me up on moving out.

Having her act like a normal part of the family isn't much. If she can't then out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Financial support, access to the car stopped, and phone turned off. Let her move out and get her space. She’ll get it out of her system.

This, 100%, phone goes off, no car, no money what so ever. Adults support themselves. She can get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s so independent, is she planning on paying for college and health insurance too? She needs some tough love, I think. Is this other family really willing to feed, house and clothe her for free? How long can that last?

She has a scholarship but I don’t think she realizes what other expenses will come with university. We don’t want to hang it over her head or threaten to not pay if she moves out because that seems extreme. I’m hoping she learns a lesson these next few months and grows to appreciate what DH and I do for her.

Yes, we have some rules but she hasn’t had to work 25-30 hours a week through HS like her friend has.

You're behaving really recklessly OP. So recklessly that I can't quite believe it. All over chores? You're going to kick her out over chore and her curfew? Let me tell you what will not happen: she will not "learn a lesson." She will go off to college completely alienated and will not come home again. She'll take loans and jobs to pay for it. That will be the end of your relationship with her, forever, or for a very long time.

I think you should call a truce and go see a family therapist.

I’m not kicking her out though?

She wants to leave. Do I let her?

Honestly how exactly would you handle it? I’m genuinely curious.

End your DDs curfew? Tell her she no longer has chores? (Which are very basic, btw. Keep her room clean, so the dishes two nights a week, feed the dog every morning).

NP. I'm confused as to what you mean by your question about whether you should "let her" leave. She's 18. If she wants to leave, you have to let her. It could be/would be a terrible judgement on her part, but you have no authority to prevent it. How would you stop her? Forcing an adult to stay somewhere or go somewhere against their will is illegal. You don't have to give her any money or resources, or let her in your house, but letting her leave? You certainly do have to let her to do that whether you want to or not.

If you don't want to kick her out or drive her into the street, I'd get rid of the curfew and sit down for a "you want to be a legal adult so here's what an adult roommate relationship looks like" talk. Sharing chores, not freeloading, with rights come responsibilities, here are the bills, etc. She needs a dose of adult reality, since she seems to want it so badly, and you need to adjust the framework of your relationship because legally, she's right and she doesn't have to listen to you. But she also needs to realize the consequences of that. The roots of this probably started much earlier, though.

[Anonymous]

I don’t see anything terrible about her leaving. Her friend seems like a responsible person mostly self supporting
I would help her as much as I can without it being too much of a burden for me. I think I would discuss these things. Maybe she can pay for her phone but you can help with car payments, whatever.
I personally moved out at 19 (didn’t move away for college) but my parents had zero desire to help me and I always knew it. I have decided that I will help my son as much as I can, unlike them.
I think a reasonable amount of help lifts people up vs making them dependent. And I don’t have enough money to support him fully anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is correct, she is 18 and can do what she wants, legally. You are treating her as if she is still a minor because she's still in HS. Sit down with her and discuss how you can compromise moving forward. I suggest treating her as you would another adult who was living with you. You would not impose a curfew or assign chores. You might, however, expect them to treat you with common adult courtesy such as informing you when they might be home late or be out of town, helping out in whatever ways you agree on such as dishes, emptying trash, picking up groceries. Her room should be off limits to you and no requirement that she clean it. Try to transition to an adult-adult child relationship now because she clearly craves it. Pay for what you want to pay for, allow her to keep the car if you want to. Expect her to treat you with kindness, respect and courtesy but don't expect her to follow rules as if she were still a child. That's a losing proposition.

Not OP, but adults living in my home would be expected to contribute towards the running and upkeep of the household, i.e. chores. If the adult decided they didn't want to do anything, they would not be able to stay in my home.

I agree and I said that. Treat her like you would treat any other adult, which does not include assigning chores and curfews but does include expecting them to pull their weight and help out with the household. If I had an adult child or an adult guest who did not do that I would politely ask them to leave too.

[Anonymous]

You parented her to become the 18 yr old that she is today. So the blame lies on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You raised your child in a manner that made her want to run as soon as possible. And your first thought is more rules and chores.

Absolutely, totally agree.
Take responsibility for your role.
Seriously, adding rules?

[Anonymous]

Letting her go before college is more than just letting her live somewhere else. It’s allowing her to control the narrative. And showing your younger daughter that she can push you all around at that age too. Highly recommend you not let this happen. But I feel for you. I have an almost 18 year old who plans to get a tattoo and nose piercing on her 18th which I could care less about but I’m sure that’s just the tip of the iceberg she is going to throw my way. She’s also a straight A student and holds down a PT job that she takes public transport to. Not much I will be able to do other than control the finances for college.

[Anonymous]

If she moves out make sure she packs up her room completely. No dabbling in one house, coming back for this and that. The room has been repurposed. And where will she land during summer and winter breaks in college?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you are dealing with this OP. For other posters, this is the downside to having a child on the older side of the grade or redshirting. They turn 18 before they finish high school and you have way less control over them. “The gift of time” sounds great when they are 5, but then you are dealing with these issue 13 years later. I realize that OP’s DD may not be redshirted - just on the older side of her grade.

[Anonymous]

Sure, she can do all of that, and not listen to you. But then she doesn’t get a single penny from you anymore.

[Anonymous]

So she doesn't want to clean her room or empty the trash and is opting to move out. Take the phone off and let her walk into the Verizon store and buy a phone like every other adult does. Also, take the car keys because she won't be paying you regularly. You own the so sell it too.

You need to dig deep and figure out what's going on with this child.