Has anyone managed to convince their spouse to NOT spend Christmas with their family

[Anonymous]

I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

I get it, OP.

I am a Christian, a non-practicing Catholic. I was baptised, did my Holy Communion, DH and I had a church wedding, but I am not a believer.
DH and I are not churchgoers.

While I enjoy the traditions of Christmas (and have done since I was a child) , just like you I sometimes want a break from celebrating Christmas with the inlaws.

The reason is that, while the occasion itself is pleasant enough (good food, Christmas music etc.), my SILs and their spouses mainly ignore me, like they have done for the 25 years that DH and I have been married.
My attempts to join in with their conversations, or to talk about a new topic are largely ignored. They are cordial, but nothing more.

I don't know but their behaviour towards me may be related to the fact that they are all devout practicing Catholics and I/we are not. MIL is super
religious but she is a nice MIL. It's the SIL's who often make me feel like I'm on the periphery of DH's family. Not very Christian if you ask me.

Christmas at home, just the two of us, is fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

Just admit it that you are a toxic DIL. Why are you being dishonest about your agenda?

- Another DIL.

You may want to look up what "toxic" means, sweetie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

Just admit it that you are a toxic DIL. Why are you being dishonest about your agenda?

- Another DIL.

You may want to look up what "toxic" means, sweetie.

For instance, people who call other posters “sweetie” are toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And her DH and her kids and the in-laws all prefer what they do which is valid too.

Actually more valid because it's all of them, so the me me me lady may have to adapt a bit those 3-4-5 days in the whole year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And that reason doesn't trump her husband's wishes. She has 364 days a year to do "other things."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And that reason doesn't trump her husband's wishes. She has 364 days a year to do "other things."

It's valid but she should be honest with him and have a reason that makes sense. The travel rationale is BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just take turns like majority of people do. One year you do Christmas your way (at home, just immediate family, whatever) the next year you do Christmas your spouse’s way (w his parents).

Except OP doesn’t celebrate Xmas or care about it at all. this isn’t an argument about where to celebrate at home vs DHs parents, vs your parents.

Doesn't matter. It's still a national holiday that almost everyone has off work/school so therefore it can be family time, you can create your own traditions. You don't have to actually celebrate Christmas in order to enjoy the day. You don't have to celebrate Christmas to have a say about what your family does on Christmas day. If they alternate, then her family may only "celebrate" Christmas every other year with the in laws. That's fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

Just admit it that you are a toxic DIL. Why are you being dishonest about your agenda?

- Another DIL.

You may want to look up what "toxic" means, sweetie.

For instance, people who call other posters “sweetie” are toxic.

Aw, you're cute. But wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And that reason doesn't trump her husband's wishes. She has 364 days a year to do "other things."

His don't trump hers either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And that reason doesn't trump her husband's wishes. She has 364 days a year to do "other things."

It's valid but she should be honest with him and have a reason that makes sense. The travel rationale is BS.

"This year, due to weather, we spent Christmas morning at home and the kids and I agreed that it was awesome. My DH was the only one who wished he'd had Christmas morning with his family. He SAYS this is pressure from his family to spend Christmas with them, but I don't know if that's actually true. Would LOVE to hear your tips on convincing him to compromise on this."

It sounds like they did discuss it. But, DH is being a whiny momma's boy who has to have his way despite the fact that his family would like to stay home sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

And that reason doesn't trump her husband's wishes. She has 364 days a year to do "other things."

His don't trump hers either.

Yes, they do. He wants to celebrate Christmas with his family. There is a window of days that make that possible, around Dec. 20-Jan. 6. So his desire is perfectly reasonable and should be accommodated sometime within that window. Her desire to do "other things" can be done on other days. Pretty simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

NP. But is it valid? I’m not sure it is. Seems extremely selfish, doesn’t it?