Has anyone managed to convince their spouse to NOT spend Christmas with their family

[Anonymous]

Seriously, OP, here's my advice:

1) Check your attitude. A few days is a compromise in a culture where it's totally normal to spend 5-6 days. There's no reason to roll your eyes and belittle him about it. It's important to him and to his family. Don't you have things that are important to you and your family? It's a two-way street.

2) Be honest with yourself and with him. What's the real reason? It seems like you don't like Christmas or don't like your in-laws, or both. Are you regretting your decision to marry into a Christmas-celebrating family?

3) Think of a convincing reason why you really must not visit your in-laws on Dec 25, when you can be in your own home or take a long vacation on the whole rest of the break, February and school April breaks, summer vacation, and Thanksgiving. And it's not an ideal time to travel btw, it's overpriced and prone to weather delays.

If you had tried to "nip this in the bud" he probably would have just broken up with you. I certainly wouldn't date anyone who thought holiday time with family is something that ought to be cut out like a bad habit.

[Anonymous]

Nip what in the bus? Spending time with his family and caring about their happiness? Yes you're so put-upon by this awful man!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse insists on spending Christmas with their family. I should have nipped this in the bud early on in our relationship (I am not Christian, so spending Christmas with my family is not a priority), but now I'm kind of pissed about it - Christmas would be an ideal time to take a long vacation, to spend time together in our home, etc..., but now we've set a precedent and I can't convince my spouse otherwise. Any tips and good arguments against this? Kids are in elementary school. They like Christmas with their grandparents, but that's mostly because they get a lot of presents - I'd be willing to have a faux Christmas with them another weekend and my kids would be okay with that, too. This year, due to weather, we spent Christmas morning at home and the kids and I agreed that it was awesome. My DH was the only one who wished he'd had Christmas morning with his family. He SAYS this is pressure from his family to spend Christmas with them, but I don't know if that's actually true. Would LOVE to hear your tips on convincing him to compromise on this. He thinks he's already compromising because we only spend a few days with his family

Why did you marry a Christian if you don't want to participate in Christian traditions?

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to spend it with your ILs, you can stay home. Seems like an easy solution. You don't get to demand he stop spending Christmas with his parents just because you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are willing for them to visit on an alternate date, why not Christmas Day? It’s just another date on the calendar to you. How interesting you cannot answer this question.

Yeah exactly. This is what I don’t get. I’m 100% team husband here.

OP, consider that one reason your husband likes to visit on Christmas is that he gets to have the traditions, decor, and special foods without having to do/make/cook them himself. Are you offering to help him with those things, to the extent they are important to him?

Visiting for Christmas means it all gets done in one go. If you stay at home, it's like having two Christmas-es instead of one. That might not be a better deal for you. TBH it sounds like you're looking for a way to avoid doing any Christmas.

+1. You need to make staying at home with the kids more special/fun/relaxing than whatever his mom does. If you’re not able or willing to do this, then yeah, he’s going to want to continue spending Christmas morning at his mom’s house.

[Anonymous]

We don’t spend Christmas with my in laws because I love having my own Christmas traditions. But since you don’t even celebrate Christmas, I don’t fully understand why you are against going to the in laws. I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, so it’s nice to just show up at the in laws and have them take care of all of it.
If you do want to travel one year, just make an exception that once and travel. You’ll find it’s not a great time for travel though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse insists on spending Christmas with their family. I should have nipped this in the bud early on in our relationship (I am not Christian, so spending Christmas with my family is not a priority), but now I'm kind of pissed about it - Christmas would be an ideal time to take a long vacation, to spend time together in our home, etc...This year, due to weather, we spent Christmas morning at home and the kids and I agreed that it was awesome. ...we only spend a few days with his family

The OP elementary school children don't want to see the GP. Any GP to GC gifts can de delivered to OP house and opened on arrival. If only one in the OP family interested in Christmas stuff is the DH, perhaps he solo flies or drives to distant non-local parents? OP and kids can travel and DH travel to meet up with them on the 26th? Maybe the $ spent by GP on gifts should now be cash or the ever popular and useful Amazon e gift card?

It is winter and weather happens plus travel is expensive since there can be full bookings. Bad weather in one location causes flight changes and cancellations in other locations. Travel and/or the DH going solo to his parents could also remove any decorating obligations OP has felt compelled to participate in because of the DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:LOL, OP should have read the room. I would have expected nothing less from white, christian DCUM. Try a more diverse forum, OP.

LOL! I am a non-White, non-Christian immigrant woman. I am a DIL. I cannot imagine ever treating my ILs with such disrespect. I think OP is basically not a nice person. This is the kind of snake woman you do not want in your family because they do things to break the family instead of making the family. My sympathies to the unfortunate family that was cursed to associate with such a woman.

Wow, this is so nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s mean, OP. It’s Christmas. It’s meant to be spent with family.

And Christmas is actually a bad time to travel because it’s expensive and places tend to shut down for a couple days.

It's not meant to be anything except what people make of it.

OP doesn’t celebrate Christmas! It’s normal to want to celebrate Christmas with parents and grandparents and OP said the kids enjoyed seeing their grandparents.

OP, do you celebrate any religious holidays of your own and if so do you do so with extended family?

[Anonymous]

If you can celebrate Christmas on another day (faux Christmas), then why couldn't your vacation be on that day? You don't make sense!

One scenario is Christmas on Christmas and a vacation on another day, and one is vacation on actual Christmas but a faux Christmas on another day. Both are two 'vacations', but one is ruining Christmas for your husband and in-laws. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse insists on spending Christmas with their family. I should have nipped this in the bud early on in our relationship (I am not Christian, so spending Christmas with my family is not a priority), but now I'm kind of pissed about it - Christmas would be an ideal time to take a long vacation, to spend time together in our home, etc...This year, due to weather, we spent Christmas morning at home and the kids and I agreed that it was awesome. ...we only spend a few days with his family

The OP elementary school children don't want to see the GP. Any GP to GC gifts can de delivered to OP house and opened on arrival. If only one in the OP family interested in Christmas stuff is the DH, perhaps he solo flies or drives to distant non-local parents? OP and kids can travel and DH travel to meet up with them on the 26th? Maybe the $ spent by GP on gifts should now be cash or the ever popular and useful Amazon e gift card?

It is winter and weather happens plus travel is expensive since there can be full bookings. Bad weather in one location causes flight changes and cancellations in other locations. Travel and/or the DH going solo to his parents could also remove any decorating obligations OP has felt compelled to participate in because of the DH.

OP specifically said that her kids do like spending xmas with their grandparents, though. Are the presents a part of the fun, of course they are. There are so many things that are fun about Christmas for kids (and everyone who celebrates honestly), seeing family, special foods, decorations, presents, xmas music and movies, I could go on and on. Could OP transfer all of this fun to her house, of course she could, but that isn't what she is asking to do at all. She is asking to skip almost everything fun about xmas and travel instead to make herself happy. This is such a very selfish impulse from OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are willing for them to visit on an alternate date, why not Christmas Day? It’s just another date on the calendar to you. How interesting you cannot answer this question.

Yeah exactly. This is what I don’t get. I’m 100% team husband here.

OP, consider that one reason your husband likes to visit on Christmas is that he gets to have the traditions, decor, and special foods without having to do/make/cook them himself. Are you offering to help him with those things, to the extent they are important to him?

Visiting for Christmas means it all gets done in one go. If you stay at home, it's like having two Christmas-es instead of one. That might not be a better deal for you. TBH it sounds like you're looking for a way to avoid doing any Christmas.

+1. You need to make staying at home with the kids more special/fun/relaxing than whatever his mom does. If you’re not able or willing to do this, then yeah, he’s going to want to continue spending Christmas morning at his mom’s house.

OP here - I fully participate in everything Christmas at home. We decorate, we bake, we buy a ton of presents, we do a ton of Christmassy stuff, also those of you saying I don't do anything Christmas and I don't make yet fun for my kids are totally wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are willing for them to visit on an alternate date, why not Christmas Day? It’s just another date on the calendar to you. How interesting you cannot answer this question.

Yeah exactly. This is what I don’t get. I’m 100% team husband here.

OP, consider that one reason your husband likes to visit on Christmas is that he gets to have the traditions, decor, and special foods without having to do/make/cook them himself. Are you offering to help him with those things, to the extent they are important to him?

Visiting for Christmas means it all gets done in one go. If you stay at home, it's like having two Christmas-es instead of one. That might not be a better deal for you. TBH it sounds like you're looking for a way to avoid doing any Christmas.

+1. You need to make staying at home with the kids more special/fun/relaxing than whatever his mom does. If you’re not able or willing to do this, then yeah, he’s going to want to continue spending Christmas morning at his mom’s house.

OP here - I fully participate in everything Christmas at home. We decorate, we bake, we buy a ton of presents, we do a ton of Christmassy stuff, also those of you saying I don't do anything Christmas and I don't make yet fun for my kids are totally wrong.

Notice that you have YET to answer the basic question: if it is date on the calendar to you and you don’t celebrate with your family of origin, than what do you care if you celebrate with them on the 25th or not? You said yourself you’re willing to celebrate on another date—so why not the 25th, if you’d be fine with the 21st or the 28th or something else? Tell us why not the 25th.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are willing for them to visit on an alternate date, why not Christmas Day? It’s just another date on the calendar to you. How interesting you cannot answer this question.

Yeah exactly. This is what I don’t get. I’m 100% team husband here.

OP, consider that one reason your husband likes to visit on Christmas is that he gets to have the traditions, decor, and special foods without having to do/make/cook them himself. Are you offering to help him with those things, to the extent they are important to him?

Visiting for Christmas means it all gets done in one go. If you stay at home, it's like having two Christmas-es instead of one. That might not be a better deal for you. TBH it sounds like you're looking for a way to avoid doing any Christmas.

+1. You need to make staying at home with the kids more special/fun/relaxing than whatever his mom does. If you’re not able or willing to do this, then yeah, he’s going to want to continue spending Christmas morning at his mom’s house.

OP here - I fully participate in everything Christmas at home. We decorate, we bake, we buy a ton of presents, we do a ton of Christmassy stuff, also those of you saying I don't do anything Christmas and I don't make yet fun for my kids are totally wrong.

You just don't want to see your in-laws on a holiday that's important to them. Because you want to go on a vacation? Your husband isn't going to go for that. He's putting family, faith, and tradition above a need to go on a vacation on that day which happens to not be just another random day to him. Leave on the 27th for the vacation.

[Anonymous]

Vacation travel is miserable during the holidays OP. I could understand if you just don't want to travel at all, and just stay in your own house for the holidays. Why not make it every other year to see the parents, or shorten the time? I would not replace the visit with a vacation though.