Has anyone managed to convince their spouse to NOT spend Christmas with their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

What we're saying is the OP should honestly acknowledge her motivations and reasons. Her rationale doesn't really make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

What we're saying is the OP should honestly acknowledge her motivations and reasons. Her rationale doesn't really make sense.

It doesn’t make sense to you because you think Christmas should be spent a certain way. For people who didn’t grow up with that mindset, Christmas could be spent however they please, without it needing to make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

What we're saying is the OP should honestly acknowledge her motivations and reasons. Her rationale doesn't really make sense.

It doesn’t make sense to you because you think Christmas should be spent a certain way. For people who didn’t grow up with that mindset, Christmas could be spent however they please, without it needing to make sense.

Well if OP wants to get along with her Christian, Christmas-observing husband then it would be in her interest to present her wish to do other things are coherently and honestly as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

Just admit it that you are a toxic DIL. Why are you being dishonest about your agenda?

- Another DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some years I need a break from the pressures and traditions of Christmas with my in-laws. The driving force for my mil is her memory of Christmas from when she was a child, but she now wants her non-Christian daughter-in-laws (not her own sons) to continue her childhood dream. My husband has no desire to take up the responsibility so we alternate years and do our own thing, which is relaxing and allows us to have memories of our own, in our home. For the people who say you’re not even Christian so what’s the big deal in just showing up for Christmas- it is exhausting to have to fit into someone else’s Christmas childhood fantasy-tradition.

What we're saying is the OP should honestly acknowledge her motivations and reasons. Her rationale doesn't really make sense.

It doesn’t make sense to you because you think Christmas should be spent a certain way. For people who didn’t grow up with that mindset, Christmas could be spent however they please, without it needing to make sense.

What doesn't make sense is that she doesn't want to spend the 25th with them, but is willing to do all the same stuff on a different date in the same winter break. What difference does it make to OP whether it's the 25th or not?

If she doesn't like her in-laws and doesn't want to spend Christmas with them, she should just say so.

[Anonymous]

Alternating years would be a good compromise.

Otherwise, he likes being with his family and the kids like it, right? I was raised Muslim but consider myself agnostic now. DH is Christian. Christmas and Easter are big holidays in his family, even if he's not devout, so we celebrate with his family when possible. Doesn't bother me as I know it's more than just the religious aspect of it.

[Anonymous]

Here's the thing. Your mother in law will die. Or be unable to host. Probably sooner than you realize. So stick with Christmas at her house and go for a vacation on the day after Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

Agree! Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've always traveled around Christmastime. We live in CA, so fly to NY and stop there for a night or two, then go on to London, then another city in Europe, then back to NY for a couple of nights (this is where the grandparents are) before coming home.

We do a very lowkey Christmas (like 5 or 6 gifts total for the kids) and see the grandparents at some point near the holiday, but are always out of the country on actual Christmas day. DH and I really hate the commercialization of it in the US.

You: I dislike commercialization.

[Proceeds to drop $10k on airfare and hotels]

Ha! We have a spitfire on here, love it and spot on.

[Anonymous]

He's immature. He's been spending Christmas morning at his parents house his entire life and doing something else feels uncomfortable to him because it's different. You need to have a frank conversation with him about the fact that you have created your own family and you need to create your own traditions. I would emphasize that you don't feel connected to the Christmases hosted by his family, because you are just joining in on what they have always done together. I would just keep it up until he understands.

I think your suggestion of doing a separate celebration with his family on another day is a good one. I wouldn't bill it as "fake Christmas" though. I'd seek to make it a separate tradition that is it's own thing and not just a repeat Christmas. Like do a New Years celebration with them where gifts are exchanged or start a tradition that you come visit the weekend before Christmas every year and do a special meal and gift exchange.

[Anonymous]

This probably won't help OP, but for any young adults reading: The very first year I was married, my husband and I began to argue about where we'd spend Christmas. We quickly realized that I'd be miserable with his people and he'd be miserable with mine. So we agreed to see neither. 26 years later, we've always done Christmas on our own, with our kids, in our own house. It's glorious.

We typically saw people on Thanksgiving and did a Christmas dinner or brunch with my parents the week before the actual day. I'm encouraging my kids to adopt a similar approach when they find partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's immature. He's been spending Christmas morning at his parents house his entire life and doing something else feels uncomfortable to him because it's different. You need to have a frank conversation with him about the fact that you have created your own family and you need to create your own traditions. I would emphasize that you don't feel connected to the Christmases hosted by his family, because you are just joining in on what they have always done together. I would just keep it up until he understands.

I think your suggestion of doing a separate celebration with his family on another day is a good one. I wouldn't bill it as "fake Christmas" though. I'd seek to make it a separate tradition that is it's own thing and not just a repeat Christmas. Like do a New Years celebration with them where gifts are exchanged or start a tradition that you come visit the weekend before Christmas every year and do a special meal and gift exchange.

What a bad take. His wife doesn’t celebrate his holiday. His parents and kids do. Not wanting to give up his traditions and culture bc his wife wants to go on vacation, something they can do any time, doesn’t make him immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's immature. He's been spending Christmas morning at his parents house his entire life and doing something else feels uncomfortable to him because it's different. You need to have a frank conversation with him about the fact that you have created your own family and you need to create your own traditions. I would emphasize that you don't feel connected to the Christmases hosted by his family, because you are just joining in on what they have always done together. I would just keep it up until he understands.

I think your suggestion of doing a separate celebration with his family on another day is a good one. I wouldn't bill it as "fake Christmas" though. I'd seek to make it a separate tradition that is it's own thing and not just a repeat Christmas. Like do a New Years celebration with them where gifts are exchanged or start a tradition that you come visit the weekend before Christmas every year and do a special meal and gift exchange.

What a bad take. His wife doesn’t celebrate his holiday. His parents and kids do. Not wanting to give up his traditions and culture bc his wife wants to go on vacation, something they can do any time, doesn’t make him immature.

1000%

I don't care if he celebrates Xmas, Hannukah, or Kwanzaa. He gets to have his important, highly meaningful religious holiday with his family. This should be a non-starter if you love him. My God.