Has anyone managed to convince their spouse to NOT spend Christmas with their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

NP. But is it valid? I’m not sure it is. Seems extremely selfish, doesn’t it?

On the surface it probably does seem very selfish, but there may be a backstory here that us readers don't know about.

If the OP and her inlaws have a strained relationship, for instance, then I can see why she'd prefer to stay at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he wants Christmas morning with his mom and dad he should have stayed single. Move back into his childhood bedroom and so he can wake up in his PJs and his mom can make him hot cocoa.

LOL. Exactly my thoughts!
DP

[Anonymous]

You should work harder to convince yourself to spend Christmas with his family (it's just 1 day) or plan to spend that day alone while your children and DH are with his family on Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

Where did OP say she didn’t celebrate the holiday? She wants to celebrate the holiday with her immediate family. That is a completely reasonable request. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday and instead celebrate it as family time/a gift giving occasion. Just because her family of origin don’t celebrate it doesn’t automatically mean she has do celebrate it with her in-laws. She gets to start her own family traditions. I’m not saying to ignore her husbands wishes, but there needs to be a compromise and not just what he wants.

I would say spend Christmas morning at home like you did during Covid. Then go to the in-laws for christmas dinner or something along those lines. It is totally off that your husband won’t even listen to you and take your feelings into account.

[Anonymous]

If it's just as easy to have a faux Christmas some other day with his family why isn't it just as easy to travel or do what you want on that other day? What's the difference to you? Other than one falls on a specific date on the calendar and is celebrated by not only your husband, but millions of people and is meaningful to him. Seems like you can do both things but one isn't tied to a specific date and one is. What is your reason for flip flopping them if not to just be difficult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your DH actively wants to spend Christmas with them and you don’t celebrate Christmas, it is pretty mean-spirited of you to actively try to prevent it. After all, it is just another day to you. I mean, he said he wishes to see them on Christmas, and your kids don’t mind it. What is your problem?

I agree. Do Dec. 24-26 Xmas with grandparents, then go on your vacation Dec 26-Jan 1st. That's 6 nights, plenty of time!

Seriously! If OP doesn’t celebrate, she has no reason not to want him to celebrate in the way that is meaningful to him and his family. They can go on vacation on Dec. 26. Either the date of Dec. 25 holds significance to OP, or it doesn’t. She and her family of origin do not celebrate this holiday, so Dec. 25 is just another day and there is no reason why DH shouldn’t be able to celebrate with his family if that is what he wants to do/chooses to do.

Her reason is: she'd rather do other things and that's valid.

NP. But is it valid? I’m not sure it is. Seems extremely selfish, doesn’t it?

On the surface it probably does seem very selfish, but there may be a backstory here that us readers don't know about.

If the OP and her inlaws have a strained relationship, for instance, then I can see why she'd prefer to stay at home.

Actually for all we know OP the dramaqueen could easily make up some excuse and stay at home.

Problem solved, everyone happy.

[Anonymous]

My in laws can't host us. They live in a small town in the middle of no where and there house doesn't have enough room for our family so we would have to stay in a motel. DH offers to buy them plane tickets to come stay with us over the holidays. Some years they come, others they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

Where did OP say she didn’t celebrate the holiday? She wants to celebrate the holiday with her immediate family. That is a completely reasonable request. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday and instead celebrate it as family time/a gift giving occasion. Just because her family of origin don’t celebrate it doesn’t automatically mean she has do celebrate it with her in-laws. She gets to start her own family traditions. I’m not saying to ignore her husbands wishes, but there needs to be a compromise and not just what he wants.

I would say spend Christmas morning at home like you did during Covid. Then go to the in-laws for christmas dinner or something along those lines. It is totally off that your husband won’t even listen to you and take your feelings into account.

OP said herself that she isn’t Christian so Christmas isn’t an important holiday. If she wants to spend time with the family and exchange gifts, they can do that any day. It doesn’t have to be done on Christmas Day. I loathe spending time with my ILs, so I feel for her, but marriage sometimes means doing things for your spouse, even if you’d rather not. This seems like an easy opportunity to make her spouse happy and make deposits into their marriage “bank”.

Let’s reverse things for a minute, though. Insert any holiday into my example:

My DW wants to spend every Diwali with her family. I am not Hindu so spending Diwali with my family isn’t a priority, but I’m tired of spending every Diwali with the ILs. DW says her family pressures her to celebrate with them, but I think she really just enjoys it, too. My kids also enjoy it because it really is a fun time, but I’m getting tired of taking a beautiful fall weekend for Diwali when we could be in a pumpkin patch or hiking on a trail somewhere. Has anyone been able to convince their partner to not spend Diwali with their families? I’d rather take off on a weekend trip before the weather gets too cold and there are limited weekends in the fall to enjoy the season.

Do you see how this comes across?

[Anonymous]

OP is a perfect example of why you should think long and carefully before marrying outside of your religion and culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

Where did OP say she didn’t celebrate the holiday? She wants to celebrate the holiday with her immediate family. That is a completely reasonable request. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday and instead celebrate it as family time/a gift giving occasion. Just because her family of origin don’t celebrate it doesn’t automatically mean she has do celebrate it with her in-laws. She gets to start her own family traditions. I’m not saying to ignore her husbands wishes, but there needs to be a compromise and not just what he wants.

I would say spend Christmas morning at home like you did during Covid. Then go to the in-laws for christmas dinner or something along those lines. It is totally off that your husband won’t even listen to you and take your feelings into account.

OP said herself that she isn’t Christian so Christmas isn’t an important holiday. If she wants to spend time with the family and exchange gifts, they can do that any day. It doesn’t have to be done on Christmas Day. I loathe spending time with my ILs, so I feel for her, but marriage sometimes means doing things for your spouse, even if you’d rather not. This seems like an easy opportunity to make her spouse happy and make deposits into their marriage “bank”.

Let’s reverse things for a minute, though. Insert any holiday into my example:

My DW wants to spend every Diwali with her family. I am not Hindu so spending Diwali with my family isn’t a priority, but I’m tired of spending every Diwali with the ILs. DW says her family pressures her to celebrate with them, but I think she really just enjoys it, too. My kids also enjoy it because it really is a fun time, but I’m getting tired of taking a beautiful fall weekend for Diwali when we could be in a pumpkin patch or hiking on a trail somewhere. Has anyone been able to convince their partner to not spend Diwali with their families? I’d rather take off on a weekend trip before the weather gets too cold and there are limited weekends in the fall to enjoy the season.

Do you see how this comes across?

Can you point out where she said she didn’t celebrate Christmas? It sounds like her extended family doesn’t, but she’s does want to celebrate it with her kids in a different way than what her husband did growing up.

I am not religious, but I celebrate Christmas and it is important to me to make memories with my children. And maybe it is selfish, but I don’t always want to do that the same way DH did it growing up.

Do you spend all your holidays with your in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've always traveled around Christmastime. We live in CA, so fly to NY and stop there for a night or two, then go on to London, then another city in Europe, then back to NY for a couple of nights (this is where the grandparents are) before coming home.

We do a very lowkey Christmas (like 5 or 6 gifts total for the kids) and see the grandparents at some point near the holiday, but are always out of the country on actual Christmas day. DH and I really hate the commercialization of it in the US.

Your situation is different because you both agree. Your scenario is irrelevant to OP’s.

So because her husband wants something, he gets it? What about what OP and the kids want?

Just stop with what the kids want. This is what OP wants. She is using the kids as leverage to get what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

Where did OP say she didn’t celebrate the holiday? She wants to celebrate the holiday with her immediate family. That is a completely reasonable request. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday and instead celebrate it as family time/a gift giving occasion. Just because her family of origin don’t celebrate it doesn’t automatically mean she has do celebrate it with her in-laws. She gets to start her own family traditions. I’m not saying to ignore her husbands wishes, but there needs to be a compromise and not just what he wants.

I would say spend Christmas morning at home like you did during Covid. Then go to the in-laws for christmas dinner or something along those lines. It is totally off that your husband won’t even listen to you and take your feelings into account.

OP said herself that she isn’t Christian so Christmas isn’t an important holiday. If she wants to spend time with the family and exchange gifts, they can do that any day. It doesn’t have to be done on Christmas Day. I loathe spending time with my ILs, so I feel for her, but marriage sometimes means doing things for your spouse, even if you’d rather not. This seems like an easy opportunity to make her spouse happy and make deposits into their marriage “bank”.

Let’s reverse things for a minute, though. Insert any holiday into my example:

My DW wants to spend every Diwali with her family. I am not Hindu so spending Diwali with my family isn’t a priority, but I’m tired of spending every Diwali with the ILs. DW says her family pressures her to celebrate with them, but I think she really just enjoys it, too. My kids also enjoy it because it really is a fun time, but I’m getting tired of taking a beautiful fall weekend for Diwali when we could be in a pumpkin patch or hiking on a trail somewhere. Has anyone been able to convince their partner to not spend Diwali with their families? I’d rather take off on a weekend trip before the weather gets too cold and there are limited weekends in the fall to enjoy the season.

Do you see how this comes across?

Can you point out where she said she didn’t celebrate Christmas? It sounds like her extended family doesn’t, but she’s does want to celebrate it with her kids in a different way than what her husband did growing up.

I am not religious, but I celebrate Christmas and it is important to me to make memories with my children. And maybe it is selfish, but I don’t always want to do that the same way DH did it growing up.

Do you spend all your holidays with your in-laws?

I’m curious how every other holiday is celebrated. Is this the only one her spouse gets with his family and rest are with her family? If so then this one doesn’t seem that egregious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a perfect example of why you should think long and carefully before marrying outside of your religion and culture.

It can happen within one's own religion and culture too.

I posted earlier in this thread.

I am a non-practicing Catholic. I was baptised, I did my Holy Communion (albeit not in the US) and my DH and I were married in a Catholic church, but I am not a believer.
DH and I don't go to church.

My inlaws are devout, practicing Catholics (except FIL, who never went to church, except for weddings and funerals).

While the inlaws welcomed me into their family, the relationship between my SILs and me is somewhat distant.
At family gatherings and special occasions such as Christmas they tend to ignore me. I try joining in with their conversations, or talking about a new topic, but they're not really interested. They then quickly start talking amongst themselves or to other people.
A few Christmases ago we were at SIL's house for 5 or 6 hours and they didn't interact with me at all, despite my efforts of joining in.

I too have scaled down on spending Christmas with them.

Spending Christmas at home, just the two of us (we don't have kids), is fine by me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m all for boundaries and not spending time with ILs.

But I’m having trouble coming up with a convincing reason for not spending Christmas with your ILs when it means a lot to your DH and you don’t celebrate the holiday.

Where did OP say she didn’t celebrate the holiday? She wants to celebrate the holiday with her immediate family. That is a completely reasonable request. There are a lot of people who don’t celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday and instead celebrate it as family time/a gift giving occasion. Just because her family of origin don’t celebrate it doesn’t automatically mean she has do celebrate it with her in-laws. She gets to start her own family traditions. I’m not saying to ignore her husbands wishes, but there needs to be a compromise and not just what he wants.

I would say spend Christmas morning at home like you did during Covid. Then go to the in-laws for christmas dinner or something along those lines. It is totally off that your husband won’t even listen to you and take your feelings into account.

OP said herself that she isn’t Christian so Christmas isn’t an important holiday. If she wants to spend time with the family and exchange gifts, they can do that any day. It doesn’t have to be done on Christmas Day. I loathe spending time with my ILs, so I feel for her, but marriage sometimes means doing things for your spouse, even if you’d rather not. This seems like an easy opportunity to make her spouse happy and make deposits into their marriage “bank”.

Let’s reverse things for a minute, though. Insert any holiday into my example:

My DW wants to spend every Diwali with her family. I am not Hindu so spending Diwali with my family isn’t a priority, but I’m tired of spending every Diwali with the ILs. DW says her family pressures her to celebrate with them, but I think she really just enjoys it, too. My kids also enjoy it because it really is a fun time, but I’m getting tired of taking a beautiful fall weekend for Diwali when we could be in a pumpkin patch or hiking on a trail somewhere. Has anyone been able to convince their partner to not spend Diwali with their families? I’d rather take off on a weekend trip before the weather gets too cold and there are limited weekends in the fall to enjoy the season.

Do you see how this comes across?

Can you point out where she said she didn’t celebrate Christmas? It sounds like her extended family doesn’t, but she’s does want to celebrate it with her kids in a different way than what her husband did growing up.

I am not religious, but I celebrate Christmas and it is important to me to make memories with my children. And maybe it is selfish, but I don’t always want to do that the same way DH did it growing up.

Do you spend all your holidays with your in-laws?

I’m curious how every other holiday is celebrated. Is this the only one her spouse gets with his family and rest are with her family? If so then this one doesn’t seem that egregious.

It's possible to celebrate a holiday without visiting extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've always traveled around Christmastime. We live in CA, so fly to NY and stop there for a night or two, then go on to London, then another city in Europe, then back to NY for a couple of nights (this is where the grandparents are) before coming home.

We do a very lowkey Christmas (like 5 or 6 gifts total for the kids) and see the grandparents at some point near the holiday, but are always out of the country on actual Christmas day. DH and I really hate the commercialization of it in the US.

Your situation is different because you both agree. Your scenario is irrelevant to OP’s.

So because her husband wants something, he gets it? What about what OP and the kids want?

Just stop with what the kids want. This is what OP wants. She is using the kids as leverage to get what she wants.

And you know that because...you're a troll, OP