For those who have “cut other people off,” what did the person do to deserve it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Also there's an issue in defining "turmoil and negativity." Does mom's desire to spend Thanksgiving with the grandkids really fall into that bucket?

Each individual can define turmoil and negativity. That’s the beauty of it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut off my aunt (mom's sister) about 10 years ago.

-Told me is she was my size (size 6) she'd slit her wrists right now
-My mom has alopecia and is very very self conscious about her balding. My mom got a haircut to strategically hide a bald spot and she was feeling confident! My aunt walked in the room, looked at my mom, chuckled, and said "you look like a little dutch page boy. might as well just hack it all off- there's no hope left".
-She drunk calls my dad (my mom's ex husband) and vaguely hits on him or alludes to the fact that my mom didn't know what she had. Spoiler alert: he was verbally abusive to my mom and cheated on her.
-She walked right past my 88yo grandma (her mom) who was trying to push a wheel barrow full of groceries from her car to her doorstep.
-She scoffs at my Dh's pick up truck (that he needs for work) and asked that he park it somewhere she can't see it out the window when we are all at a family party because she hates looking at it....It's literally a nice 2019 clean truck.
-She told my 14yo cousin who had attempted suicide because she was bullied so hard then spent 3 months in in-patient treatment that she's annoying and my aunt understands why people would bully her.

Man, I hate that woman.

Based on your post, I hate that woman too. I’m standing in solidarity with you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut a mentally ill IL off after they put a pillow over my infant child’s face “as a joke” and sent us feces in the mail, and then accused us of “not having a sense of humor.”

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies, but from what I’ve seen, there tends to be some final bad act that acts as a catalyst to the break, but isn’t the cause of the break. Unfortunately, the person being cut off tends to hyperfocus on that small deed that was the final straw, rather than the years of abuse or whatever was the root of the problem. That’s how it was with my parents. At some point, I realized that nothing was going to change and they were never going to respect me and they’d always undermine me to my children. It was a small thing they did that made me take the final step, after years of both large and small abuses.

For my sister, it was that they had been picking random fights, and finally apologized to her. The next time my dad saw her for lunch, he told her he was still upset with her. She said they had apologized and it was water under the bridge, and he said the apology was false, nothing was resolved, our parents wouldn’t be coming to her wedding, but when she got back from her honeymoon they hoped to make amends. She cut them off at that point. My parents tell people that my sister was upset at the restaurant choice my dad picked for lunch that day and uninvited them to the wedding.

The point is, a cutoff doesn’t generally happen over something inconsequential. It generally happens because of years of abuse. Sometimes it’s a small thing that tips the scale and sends someone into no contact from limited contact, but that’s after years of big things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Why put that energy into it? Just because they’re family? What if they’re not worth it to you? Just because they’re family is not a good enough reason.

What cult convinced you of that? That’s what cults do. And abusers. They cut you off from your loved ones. This is classic cult thinking.

This is classic enabler thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also haven’t entirely cut off my sister, but we have very little contact. Her partner has been arrested for possession of child pornography and I want him nowhere near my kids.

There are more typical things: repeated calling during work hours for a “crisis,” which always resolves when I don’t pick up (because I’m working), waking up to a stream of text messages that are essentially emotional vomiting, consistent unreliability. But it was the child porn thing that really did it.

I pray she does not have kids in her home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cut a mentally ill IL off after they put a pillow over my infant child’s face “as a joke” and sent us feces in the mail, and then accused us of “not having a sense of humor.”

Oh my God. I am so sorry.

Thank you. Our family is constantly saying “she’s just trying to reach out to you, can’t you put all of that aside?”. So it’s legitimately nice to be validated by an internet stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Also there's an issue in defining "turmoil and negativity." Does mom's desire to spend Thanksgiving with the grandkids really fall into that bucket?

Each individual can define turmoil and negativity. That’s the beauty of it all.

And some individuals define the slightest offense or misunderstanding as “turmoil and negativity”. Just because they can define it themselves doesn’t mean they are right.

‘Right’ is subjective. And again, each individual gets to define what’s right for them. You’ve got one life, choose to be happy.

[Anonymous]

I cut my father off after he caused a divorce, moved an entire state away and then attempted to force me to stay with him during school breaks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Also there's an issue in defining "turmoil and negativity." Does mom's desire to spend Thanksgiving with the grandkids really fall into that bucket?

Each individual can define turmoil and negativity. That’s the beauty of it all.

And some individuals define the slightest offense or misunderstanding as “turmoil and negativity”. Just because they can define it themselves doesn’t mean they are right.

It’s never a “slight offense or misunderstanding” to cut someone off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Why put that energy into it? Just because they’re family? What if they’re not worth it to you? Just because they’re family is not a good enough reason.

What cult convinced you of that? That’s what cults do. And abusers. They cut you off from your loved ones. This is classic cult thinking.

This is classic enabler thinking.

Said the cult member.

Having self respect isn’t a cult.

[Anonymous]

Lots. Backstabbing, gaslighting, turning all my loved ones against me, sabotaging my ED recovery, protecting my abuser and denying the abuse, telling me that if I go away to college and leave home, that she would divorce my dad because there would be no reason for them to stay together, trying to convince me to stay with my deceitful controlling husband after I found out that he had stolen money from me, stolen my identity, racked up six figures in debt, by telling me that she didn’t get to divorce her abusive husband so why should I, and that I should try to make it work. Trying to sabotage my new relationship with a healthy loving husband by contacting him and his family members and telling them lies about me.

[Anonymous]

Cut off my father at 25 after lifetime of abuse. Twelve years later, I am grateful for my peaceful life. I could write a book, but couple examples of his abuse 1.) Screaming slurs to wake me up in the middle of the night as a small child. 2.) Dragging me to his car my arm as a teenager "punish me" with his road rage until I threw up. The reason for my punishment was I hugged my mom before him after my school concert. He is a monster, but most people turned a blind eye...it's amazing how easy it is for a smooth saleman with a lot money to buy or trick others into loyalty. Six months after I cut him out, he opened credit cards in my name, went on a shopping spree and forwarding the bill to my house. To anyone dealing with a toxic or abusive relationship, you deserve peace and you are doing nothing wrong by choosing to value yourself more than your abuser whether that's setting healthy boundaries or going no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Also there's an issue in defining "turmoil and negativity." Does mom's desire to spend Thanksgiving with the grandkids really fall into that bucket?

Each individual can define turmoil and negativity. That’s the beauty of it all.

And some individuals define the slightest offense or misunderstanding as “turmoil and negativity”. Just because they can define it themselves doesn’t mean they are right.

+100. Some of these stories are legitimately awful. Other times the poster sounds like a spoiled brat who didn't get their way (mom wants to come for Thanksgiving, the nerve!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does it matter?

If someone decides someone else brings turmoil and negativity to their life, that is enough- whatever their reason is.

I'm a firm believer of surrounding yourself with people you love, enjoy being around, and equally love and respect you.

Just because "family" doesn't mean you have to tolerate a relationship that makes you feel terrible.

You're missing the point. If someone else brings turmoil and negativity, you have a choice. You can cut them off, or you can set boundaries and try to compromise and work for change.

Also there's an issue in defining "turmoil and negativity." Does mom's desire to spend Thanksgiving with the grandkids really fall into that bucket?

Each individual can define turmoil and negativity. That’s the beauty of it all.

And some individuals define the slightest offense or misunderstanding as “turmoil and negativity”. Just because they can define it themselves doesn’t mean they are right.

+100. Some of these stories are legitimately awful. Other times the poster sounds like a spoiled brat who didn't get their way (mom wants to come for Thanksgiving, the nerve!).

No one was cut off just because they wanted to come for thanksgiving.