For those who have “cut other people off,” what did the person do to deserve it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut my father off after I was visiting him and we got into a fight and among other terrible things he screamed at me he told me to call my extremely abusive ex-boyfriend to come “save” me.

Just to clarify he knew full well of the abuse and had seen the bruises himself many times.

[Anonymous]

When I was a young adult (student), a much older male cousin said that I wasn’t a “Real” LastName because as a female I’d get married and be Another LastName. His father, my father, and another older male cousin argued at length about this, and all 4 eventually agreed that as a female, I was not a “Real” LastName.
This hot mess of a family conversation had been prompted by another uncle’s proud comment that eventually all 3 of us cousins would eventually
be “Dr” LastName.

At that point, I decided that if my cousin didn’t view me as a family member, I was fine with that. Done.
It’s not as though we’d had a close or noticeably positive relationship prior to that. He wasn’t joking. I stepped away from deliberate misogynistic cruelty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like a lot of people on here are seeking approval for lashing out at and participating in ganging up on others in their lives. Whether or not it’s deserved. But honestly a lot of the toxicity seems to stem from the posters here, not their targeted family member. Just an observation.

Can you give some specific examples? Most of the posts I read are about posters finally deciding to distance themselves from abusive family members. Where is the "lashing out" and "ganging up on" happening? I have known mentally ill people to use aggressive terms like that when they were ignored, because due to their lack of skills and emotional regulation being ignored feels threatening and scary to them, but I haven't actually seen posters describing such aggressive acts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't cut her off totally, but I've come close many times. My older sister is a toxic narcissist who takes any opportunity to dump her shit on me. I tried grey rock, which works but requires skill and consistency and always being on my guard. Covid was a great opportunity for me to establish new boundaries with her. I no longer attend family gatherings at her house, especially on days which are likely to be emotionally charged. Grey rock works well now, because I don't talk to her often and I come from a place of strength and resolve. Our conversations are actually somewhat pleasant.

Are you me?? This is me, too.

I’m proud of how I’ve kept contact but am grey rocking the heck out of the sibling. Sister said cruel things to me. Recently, I found my high school diary n which I detailed how sister physically attacked me and my dad held her back. I had forgotten that!

I’m very happy not to be in frequent touch and would have done this sooner had we not both had kids.

After years of sibling making a huge deal about birthday presents for me that never get delivered, I stopped buying any presents for her. I am free!! I don’t care about the presents but I do care about the lying about the presents.

OMG. I truly thought I was the only person who had this strange experience. My sister has done many toxic and overtly mean things, but I didn't feel like I could tell anyone, but a close friend about her strange ritual with imaginary gifts and broken gifts because I would seem crazy. For years she would tell me an expensive gift card was on it way and every year it didn't come. Every year I believed her and would let her know she didn't need to send me anything, but thought she should know it never arrived because I hate the idea of anyone wasting money. Then she would either say she'd check on it or she forgot, but now it's on it's way. It never came. Then when I got married she actually did a real gift because I don't think she wanted my husband to suspect she was wacko. Then once I had a child she couldn't resist. I got a box of clothes with holes and rips from ebay. (She is wealthy). I just said thank you. When she asked for photos of said child wearing clothes I let her know the situation. I was unable to donate items because they don't want clothes in disrepair. Then another year she send me a broken necklace and broken glass frame. I still gave her the benefit of the doubt and thanked her the thought, but asked her to stop giving gifts. it continued yearly and I told her to stop and I stopped acknowledging anything that came. She started family drama over it. Deranged! That is one of many reasons I just hate gifts in general. Some people use gifts to exercise their demons and something about the word makes it OK and easy to gaslight people into thinking they are ungrateful.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a hoarded home. My mother has been a hoarder as long as I can remember. Raising a child in a hoarded home is a form of abuse via neglect. You live in a constant state of trauma. As a child you have no agency over where you live, you are sentenced to this prison of filth and squalor. It is not the same as if your partner became a hoarder or if your parent became a hoarder after you had grown up and moved. As a child, you cannot leave and are forced to live there.

My mother picked literal trash over me. She now picks trash over her grandchildren. I mean actual trash, that you throw away everyday, all day long. Would you raise your child in filth like this? Actual, nasty, moldy, mice droppings, dog and cat droppings, no running water sometimes, filth. Because my parents did. All the attention goes towards the hoarder, how eccentric, misunderstood they are and how much they need our support. But very little or any attention is given to people like me, the children raised in that environment and the reprecussions and consequences on the children who then grow up. I have an extremely strained relationship with my mother. I rarely speak to her. There is nothing to say.

[Anonymous]

Sent me off with a known abuser.

Frequently talks about what a great person they are and how lucky I was to be one of their "favorites".

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling whose behaviors toward me when we were children I now realize were bullying behaviors. As an adult, they refuse to engage with anyone who has different opinions or chooses to live their lives differently and will belittle those who disagree with them.

I chose to step away from this person and not deal with them, and my life has been calmer and more peaceful. This person can be very charming to outsiders and so many people think they are very nice- that is, until they get to know them better.

I think it’s possible that this sibling has mental health issues and that maybe I could somehow do something to help, but I don’t think they would be at all open to that kind of help. I feel sorry for them because they have alienated so many people, including losing multiple jobs, but I needed to protect myself and my family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mentally ill mother is a danger to me. She's tried opening credit cards in my name, emptying out my bank accounts, and has said horrible things to me (still does if I let her). She physically abused me from 12-17. She had my brother arrested; he spent 8 years inside. (yes, he did the crime but FFS, having your mother turn you in is a mind-eff). Everybody in my family, except my 92 year old aunt, have cut her off. She's mean to everybody. Regarding forgiveness for mental illness, I get it and would give it but she refused treatment. I suspect mild schizophrenia or at least a delusional disorder to add to her anxiety and social phobias.

I'm truly sorry. Can't imagine all you've been through and am very glad you're coping as well as you seem to be. I do think it's the correct thing to have a family member arrested, if you know that person committed a crime.

[Anonymous]

Both DH & his sister have cut off ties to their mom.

She physically & mentally abused DH as a child, and repeatedly endangered my child (her grandchild) during the time that we tried to have ‘normal’ interactions with her. Stuff like taking our kid as a toddler on a hike at dusk in the winter with no coat and not contacting us to let us know that she’d lost track of him until he was found hours later, or putting him in a construction dumpster (from a neighboring house built in the 30’s - hello asbestos, lead paint, rusted nails) to forage for art supplies … all to prove to us that kids don’t need adults to meddle in their exploration of the world. My kid doesn’t need hypothermia or to be treated as garbage. I don’t need the stress of wondering what ‘proof of why DH & I are idiots’ she’ll think of next.

We moved overseas and she does not have our address. Blocked all social media & email.

[Anonymous]

I was cruelly and viscously verbally attacked and then punched at a family function. It totally came out of no where and it wasn’t a relative I had spoken to in years (a decade?) or had any issues with. They hate our larger family and saw me as low hanging fruit to attack. I’m not sure I can come to terms with it, but I will not allow myself to be abused like that.

A lot of other family members knew something was going to happen but didn’t warn me, so I feel humiliated too. It’s really made me rethink a lot of things, particularly since I was very nice to this person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I isn't just one thing, OP. It is a series of small things that accummulate over a long period of time. It is the proverbial death by a thousand papercuts. One day, finally, you just can't take another papercut. You're done.

+1. When you’re truly done there’s no turning back.

[Anonymous]

Perpetually late or forget that we were meeting. She would drop me at the drop of a hat to go do something else last minute with some other important person in her life. This was a supposedly BF. I also forgave her breaking a confidence. Even her mom said what she did was not a good thing. After years of sh1t like this, I finally had had enough. I had low self esteem, so I took crap from people. But, then I started to get really tired of playing second fiddle and people not being loyal to me, and I am a very loyal person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I isn't just one thing, OP. It is a series of small things that accummulate over a long period of time. It is the proverbial death by a thousand papercuts. One day, finally, you just can't take another papercut. You're done.

+1. When you’re truly done there’s no turning back.

+1 I'm the "loyal" PP poster.. I am loyal. I will give you chance after chance, but at some point, when I'm done, I'm just done.. D.O.N.E.. done, and there is no going back, E.V.E.R. I can forgive, but things will never ever be the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s the question.

You get one life, you don't need a socially acceptable reason for adding or subtracting people from your life. There are only so many relationships one can manage. Be kind to all but no need to get pulled by people who've intentionally done you wrong or who thrive on drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds to me like a lot of people on here are seeking approval for lashing out at and participating in ganging up on others in their lives. Whether or not it’s deserved. But honestly a lot of the toxicity seems to stem from the posters here, not their targeted family member. Just an observation.

I completely agree. A lot of immaturity. In pediatric terms, there are a lot of adults posting here who are exhibiting a distinct Failure To Thrive (FTT). It is sad. And maddening. I don't understand all of the lashing out and the instigation. On the other hand, it doesn't seem to represent a large part of the population in real life. Just the few on DCUM who frequent the Family Relationships page. I often wonder if it is the same 2-3-4 people posting repeatedly.