Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need another adult in the house helping you parent. Yes, I know single parents do it, and maybe you grew up in a place where SAHMs had a passel of kids and a husband who was always gone--but that's a formula for despair. We can do better and we should.

Hire a full time nanny now. if the baby is not sleeping well, also hire a night nurse. When the baby is one year old, you'll know what you want to do next, whether that is have more kids or stop at one.

If you have the kids spaced closely, hire one nanny per kid. Outsource cleaning and meal making. This is the way.

I'm sorry but I find this so gross. I have a friend who has this exact set up. And I dont understand what the point was of having kids if you are going to outsource every aspect of child and domestic life. Are the kids there for photo ops? For holiday get togethers? Just to have checked the box to have a child?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

[Anonymous]

Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Uncalled for. Their mothers are working. What is this, 1950?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every time I go to the library on a weekday with my kid and see the dozens of nannies there, without fail I will encounter a toddler that calls the nanny "mama."

I always wonder how the mothers feel about that.

Uncalled for. Their mothers are working. What is this, 1950?

Don’t feed the troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Plus you need to monitor their school work somewhat, which is really challenging, and make a lot of decisions about other issues — how down is depressed and you need to find a therapist? Are these grades bad enough you need to think about a tutor? Or maybe there’s an online program that will help them understand algebra 2 because God knows I’ve forgotten it. It takes more time to shop for them because they all have their own odd preferences. Etc. etc. Thank God my husband has sort of an atypical firm life and can leave early regularly to help manage the sports stuff. It would be physically impossible for me to do it all. And the older they get the less likely you can carpool because while little kids just do activities with their friends, tweens and teens are unlikely to make the same teams or whatever that their friends do, and the other kids in the activities may not live anywhere near you.

Im saying all this because when I was your age I was focused on the slog of parenting babies and what I could handle at 35. I was not at all thinking about how exhausted I’d be at 50 with all the work that these kids generate. Teens generate way more laundry than babies because they sweat like Teamsters and there’s all the workout clothes, multiple towels for showers, etc. And they eat so much! And who is going to stay up to pick them up at parties that end at 11 or 12?

+1
I have always been low energy and I had my one and only at 41. Now that I'm in my 50s with a high schooler, I can't imagine having to manage two kids. Even with my husband's help with cooking and sports, its overwhelming. High school assignments, after school activities, pick up/drop off at events, sleepovers, travel sports, rec sports, etc.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and a FT job, but spaced out the third so the older 2 would be in school full time during the day and more independent in general. 3 kids with a gap has been easier than 2 little kids close together. The baby/toddler stage almost did me in, I was so exhausted. I’m not sure you have time on your side though to space out 3, so I’d probably stop at 2 in your position and just outsource or do what you need to do to grit through the baby/toddler era of life.

But I also want to note that you have a 5 month old. I wouldn’t make major life decisions based on the 5 months of parenting you have experienced so far. The newborn phase, especially the first go round, can be brutal. I haven’t found any stage of parenting as hard as that, but I had all crappy sleepers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 and a FT job, but spaced out the third so the older 2 would be in school full time during the day and more independent in general. 3 kids with a gap has been easier than 2 little kids close together. The baby/toddler stage almost did me in, I was so exhausted. I’m not sure you have time on your side though to space out 3, so I’d probably stop at 2 in your position and just outsource or do what you need to do to grit through the baby/toddler era of life.

But I also want to note that you have a 5 month old. I wouldn’t make major life decisions based on the 5 months of parenting you have experienced so far. The newborn phase, especially the first go round, can be brutal. I haven’t found any stage of parenting as hard as that, but I had all crappy sleepers.

On the flip side, at 5 months old she has NO CLUE if the child will be generally agreeable and compliant, prone to tantrums, hyperactive, etc. It will be years before she knows some of these things. She is going to have to make the decision about #2 somewhat blind.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need another adult in the house helping you parent. Yes, I know single parents do it, and maybe you grew up in a place where SAHMs had a passel of kids and a husband who was always gone--but that's a formula for despair. We can do better and we should.

Hire a full time nanny now. if the baby is not sleeping well, also hire a night nurse. When the baby is one year old, you'll know what you want to do next, whether that is have more kids or stop at one.

If you have the kids spaced closely, hire one nanny per kid. Outsource cleaning and meal making. This is the way.

I'm sorry but I find this so gross. I have a friend who has this exact set up. And I dont understand what the point was of having kids if you are going to outsource every aspect of child and domestic life. Are the kids there for photo ops? For holiday get togethers? Just to have checked the box to have a child?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

DP. I wouldn’t hire a nanny for each kid, but I would outsource every single aspect of the domestic part if I could afford to- cooking, cleaning, laundry, organizing what clothes they’ve outgrown. None of that is essential to my experience with my kids. In fact, it takes away from quality time I could be spending with them (especially as a working parent), and only adds stress to my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

+100 I'm the PP who's a mom of an only child by choice and this is spot-on. Know your limits!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two max. There’s such a difference between women who have 2 and 3. The third often ruins the mom’s career and body for good. Although sounds like you don’t want or care about your career? Even with a big law salary the third will make kids even more expensive. But you come across as though you want to punish yourself.

Idk my sister is beautiful and uberly successful with three kids. It’s a lot of work but some people manage it. She’s not low energy though. She also isn’t high strung about her house being a mess, or when her kids were young, having their every hair in place or being on a schedule of specific naptimes and schedules. She keeps encouraging me to have a third! In my community it seems like everyone has three kids, and while many of the moms have flexible careers, a bunch of them are also in demanding careers. The common denominator is a lot of money. Vacations for five? No problem. Private school tuition, tutors, expensive camps, sports for each, orthodontics, therapists when needed etc. Having three kids without a lot of money seems stressful.

OPs husband is in biglaw. Assuming he is or will make partner, they can afford a hectic full life of three kids. But she can’t count on her husband being around a lot, and no matter how much she outsources, it will still be stressful. And she will likely wind up resenting her husband. I know this because I grew up the child of a big law partner in a big family with a mom who was responsible for 100% of the kid work while my father worked, which was nearly always. Money will make a lot of things about three kids easier, but it will still be a stressful experience. I don’t think you will never regret having the third kid, but your marriage and mental health may suffer if your spouse works a lot, especially if you are low energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

DP, but I think it takes a lot of strength and self-reflection to know your limits and stop when you're ahead (or at least not behind). There is SO much social pressure to have "more" children, be that a second or third, and so much toxic positivity (It will all work out! You'll never regret the children you have! It will all be worth it in the end!). But those are just clichés that people tell themselves and not always true. We've all seen families that go ahead with the second or third (or more, I guess?) that really would have been better stopping earlier. Only YOU know yourself and your family best, and just because it worked out for someone else, doesn't mean it's the right decision for you. Life is full of unchosen paths, but wisdom and maturity is being able to let go of the untaken possibilities and embrace the one you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

DP, but I think it takes a lot of strength and self-reflection to know your limits and stop when you're ahead (or at least not behind). There is SO much social pressure to have "more" children, be that a second or third, and so much toxic positivity (It will all work out! You'll never regret the children you have! It will all be worth it in the end!). But those are just clichés that people tell themselves and not always true. We've all seen families that go ahead with the second or third (or more, I guess?) that really would have been better stopping earlier. Only YOU know yourself and your family best, and just because it worked out for someone else, doesn't mean it's the right decision for you. Life is full of unchosen paths, but wisdom and maturity is being able to let go of the untaken possibilities and embrace the one you did.

PP you quoted and the bold seems especially true now in the age of social media. All these influencer moms with 3, 4, 5 or more kids who only post the good stuff and make it look really easy, fulfilling and like they are just the best moms ever. We all know its not the full picture but it gets in your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

Another mom-of-2 who always wanted tons of kids here and it’s really hard to be honest with myself that I probably can’t manage more. Thank you both for understanding and helping me remember that the urge to just keep having babies has a hormonal component that I need to keep a solid handle on.