Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I disagree with the previous posters. I don’t know what “low energy” means and I wouldn’t describe myself as such, but I was very overwhelmed by my first child, who was born when I was 35. I was terrified to have a second, but I really wanted one and didn’t want to wait for fertility reasons. We forged ahead and she was born when I was 37. I am so, so happy with our decision and have not found having the second one really harder than just having the one. Frankly in some ways my life is easier just because I’m not struggling with the adjustment to motherhood anymore, and I know what I’m doing so much better this time. Sure, it’s tiring but it hasn’t flattened us or anything. I currently SAH but will go back to work soon.

My second baby was so much easier in every way than my first. Partly because of the adjustment thing but also he was just easier. But 2 kids is a lot harder. The fighting is a lot. Agree some one is upset a fair amount of the time. I don’t shake that off very well despite trying.

Yeah, I’d say that when the second (or third) was a baby it wasn’t much more work. It wasn’t until they were old enough to have their own thoughts and desires that it became challenging. A baby in a carrier is not work at all—just pop a boob out and let them eat while you play with the other kid. But two kids running in different directions that want to eat different things and play different games is where it starts to get rough. I know some people whose kids are like peas in a pod and all like the same thing. But it’s like those things in the casino—you might pull the arm and get three cherries, or you might get one cherry, one sunburst and one lion. I think if you and your spouse have extremely similar temperments and interests it somewhat increases the chances that your children will as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

Because being an introvert and being low energy are two completely different things. Your personality is different than whatever physical issue caused OP to be low energy (pre-kids).

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and having 2 (or 3) is much more work than just 1. not a reason not to have more (it certainly didn't stop me), but the difference compared to having just one is immense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 and my husband is a big law partner. I had my first at almost 34.
I think 2 is 3x as hard as 1 (2 kids to manage plus the interaction between them.). I think 3 kids is 6x as hard as 1. (Again, more interpersonal dynamics to manage.). Mine are each 2.5 years apart so they are never really in the same phase.

What I did not anticipate is how much work they are as tweens and younger teens. Even if they only do rec sports that’s 2 practices a week (each) plus a game or two on weekends. They probably will have at least one more activity—music or a club at school.

No one wants to work for you when you have middle school kids — the nannies all want cute little kids that they can mold to their own system of doing things.

Plus you need to monitor their school work somewhat, which is really challenging, and make a lot of decisions about other issues — how down is depressed and you need to find a therapist? Are these grades bad enough you need to think about a tutor? Or maybe there’s an online program that will help them understand algebra 2 because God knows I’ve forgotten it. It takes more time to shop for them because they all have their own odd preferences. Etc. etc. Thank God my husband has sort of an atypical firm life and can leave early regularly to help manage the sports stuff. It would be physically impossible for me to do it all. And the older they get the less likely you can carpool because while little kids just do activities with their friends, tweens and teens are unlikely to make the same teams or whatever that their friends do, and the other kids in the activities may not live anywhere near you.

Im saying all this because when I was your age I was focused on the slog of parenting babies and what I could handle at 35. I was not at all thinking about how exhausted I’d be at 50 with all the work that these kids generate.

Teens generate way more laundry than babies because they sweat like Teamsters and there’s all the workout clothes, multiple towels for showers, etc.

And they eat so much! And who is going to stay up to pick them up at parties that end at 11 or 12?

I’m not telling you not to do it, but I’m just saying the babies are the least of it. I would take three babies in a heartbeat!

that's why you teach your kids to do their own laundry by age 10 - my parents never touched my laundry (except to complain if I haden't taken it out of the dryer in a timely manner) when i was a teen. Plus I cooked dinner some days as a teen. Some work is self created and not inherently part of having teenage children.

[Anonymous]

1. Join a gym with childcare and start going regularly.

2. Find a Mother’s Day out/ preschool program in your area - get on the waitlist.

3. Wait a year or two to try to have another child. If it doesn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 35 and would also describe myself in the same way. She’s 18 months now and it has become clear to me that 3 kids would just be too intense and I don’t want to put myself or my kids into that situation and have us all be miserable for years. Looking to get pregnant with our second next year and then that will be it. Going back to work has actually been great for me, it gives me space to recharge because it’s a different type of energy demand than parenting. I also plan to hire overnight help for a couple of months when I have my next to get over the early hump of no sleep.

[Anonymous]

I think what you’re saying is you don’t have it in you to be fulltime childcare. That’s totally fine. If your DH wants to have more kids then he needs to plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

Oh how cute, your kids are playmates. Mine have been at war with each other since the youngest was mobile (2 years apart). You cannot assume the kids will be compatible playmates.

[Anonymous]

Just another perspective here!

Newborn is a sweet time, but also a time when there's lack of sleep and lots of hormones so no real firm planning needed right now.

I have one and it is a good life. I have one even though starting early and having lots of energy.

She is starting to hit tweens. That is a lot of work with social, academic support.

[Anonymous]

I’ll also warn you that my only child went through a blissfully easy period at around 16 months old, and I started seriously thinking about having a second child. I had infertility, so having a second child was an involved process, and by the time we got further down the path, she was fully a 2 year old with all that came with that. She was once again too challenging for me to consider adding a second. She got easy again at 5.5 (unless she’s sick or I’m sick or we’re traveling — you get the idea). Parenting is hard for low energy introverts.

[Anonymous]

Move near family that will help.

[Anonymous]

I have 3 and have pretty high energy and it is exhausting. I had my kids as 31, 32 and 36. My kids are now 2, 6 and 8. Every day I fall into bed exhausted. I am lucky if I get dinner before 8:30. Don’t have more than 1 unless you are ready for the pure amount of physical and emotional and mental energy it takes.

[Anonymous]

Start daycare or a nanny soon. After a few months of that see how you feel. If you’re feeling like you are starting to have more capacity then go for #2. Don’t wait too long. I haven’t gone through FTs but for some people it’s really brutal.

[Anonymous]

I’m just here to agree with what a lot of others are saying- I had my two in my early 30’s and wanted a third but DH did not. I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually kind of glad we stopped at 2 because life does get more complicated as they get older (and busier!) I would say if you go for a second, I wouldn’t space them out too much because of the bigger picture. Both mine are independent now and pretty much into the same things, so it’s easy for us to do things as a family, but I also don’t have to entertain them anymore, which is amazing! The busy part is that their lives are more involved - they have friends they want playdates with constantly, multiple activities and clubs, school play, homework 4 nights a week, etc. This ends up being a lot of driving and the emotional labor of parenting really kicks in when they have to start navigating complicated emotions, understanding existential concepts like death and suffering, social dynamics, changing friendships, someone being mean to them, etc etc. so just things to think about if you had a crystal ball into the future .. and keep in mind, these are kids without special needs, which adds another dimension to parenting.