Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Agree that you should stick with one if you feel at capacity. And if you get to a point where you feel like you have capacity, wait 6 months before you try to get pregnant because the kids change a lot over time.
I have a friend who had two and is still overwhelmed to this day. They are in middle school. (And she’s been continuously overwhelmed. It’s not like she had an easy stretch and then finds the early teen years hard again.) Their whole family would be happier if it were just 3 people rather than 4. |
Anonymous
|
No offense, it likely won't happen without IVF especially for 3.
I'm 37 and have had multiple miscarriages, late losses in 1.5 years. Never had a problem before this. |
Anonymous
| Stop with one. Definitely don’t have 3!!! |
Anonymous
| I was so, so, so much more tired after #2. Like picture sleeping four hours, then having to stay awake because your older child is up, it’s the nanny’s day off, and DH is working. I told DH we absolutely could not have another. |
Anonymous
|
It sounds like you may have a medical issue that is causing you to have low energy (even if you've been like this your whole life). I would go see your doctor (not your OB, but your PCP) for blood work and see if it's a hormonal, thyroid, or vitamin deficiency. Work on getting yourself healthy and energetic before you have other children.
I say this as someone who had kids at 36 and 39 and also gets Vitamin B shots regularly (and have since before I had kids). |
Anonymous
|
Definitely work on your energy levels - good nutrition/blood sugar management, exercise 20 mins per day, get blood work, take iron or whatever you need. Eat raw organ meat if you have to (joking - mostly). The second pregnancy will deplete you a lot.
I had mine at 35 and 37 and I’d recommend you wait til the older is at least 3, preferably almost 4. I have full time childcare (I work) and a spouse who does dishes, laundry and grocery shopping and we are BOTH exhausted. The kids are now 4 and almost 2 and it’s finally getting a little less exhausting. Do you like working? It would probably be more tiring to stay at home with kids than it would be to keep a job and get childcare! |
Anonymous
| I guess I disagree with the previous posters. I don’t know what “low energy” means and I wouldn’t describe myself as such, but I was very overwhelmed by my first child, who was born when I was 35. I was terrified to have a second, but I really wanted one and didn’t want to wait for fertility reasons. We forged ahead and she was born when I was 37. I am so, so happy with our decision and have not found having the second one really harder than just having the one. Frankly in some ways my life is easier just because I’m not struggling with the adjustment to motherhood anymore, and I know what I’m doing so much better this time. Sure, it’s tiring but it hasn’t flattened us or anything. I currently SAH but will go back to work soon. |
Anonymous
|
I’m much older and only had one. The thing I noticed when hanging around 2 or more siblings is the amount of energy it takes to manage everyone’s emotions. Friend has 6 and 8 yo, spent the weekend with them. One would be upset about xyz, and as soon as he was calmed down, the other one was upset about abc. Or one was tired and the other wired. Or one got a slightly larger piece of pizza than the other.
I was exhausted just watching her. And her kids are really good kids, just both are very emotional. I was so grateful I only have one. |
Anonymous
The vast majority of parents find the adjustment to having two kids difficult. (And if you have three, then two seems easy.). I still would never recommend someone have another kid if they feel overwhelmed by their current situation. If it works out, great, but if it doesn’t, it’s VERY problematic. Again, you can’t return a kid once you have them. |
Anonymous
So your experience is not like OPs? |
Anonymous
My second baby was so much easier in every way than my first. Partly because of the adjustment thing but also he was just easier. But 2 kids is a lot harder. The fighting is a lot. Agree some one is upset a fair amount of the time. I don’t shake that off very well despite trying. |
Anonymous
| If you are low energy aren’t you going to be a terrible SAHM? |
Anonymous
| I’m 35 with a 2 and 6 yo (3.5 year age gap) and I am physically and mentally drained every night. Two is much more draining than 1. Two is capacity for us. Maybe you should consider sticking with 1 or max two. I can’t imagine a third. |
Anonymous
| Why do you want to have another kid with someone who works all the time and leaves you to single parent? Do not do this to more kids. |
Anonymous
|
I have 3 and my husband is a big law partner. I had my first at almost 34.
I think 2 is 3x as hard as 1 (2 kids to manage plus the interaction between them.). I think 3 kids is 6x as hard as 1. (Again, more interpersonal dynamics to manage.). Mine are each 2.5 years apart so they are never really in the same phase. What I did not anticipate is how much work they are as tweens and younger teens. Even if they only do rec sports that’s 2 practices a week (each) plus a game or two on weekends. They probably will have at least one more activity—music or a club at school. No one wants to work for you when you have middle school kids — the nannies all want cute little kids that they can mold to their own system of doing things. Plus you need to monitor their school work somewhat, which is really challenging, and make a lot of decisions about other issues — how down is depressed and you need to find a therapist? Are these grades bad enough you need to think about a tutor? Or maybe there’s an online program that will help them understand algebra 2 because God knows I’ve forgotten it. It takes more time to shop for them because they all have their own odd preferences. Etc. etc. Thank God my husband has sort of an atypical firm life and can leave early regularly to help manage the sports stuff. It would be physically impossible for me to do it all. And the older they get the less likely you can carpool because while little kids just do activities with their friends, tweens and teens are unlikely to make the same teams or whatever that their friends do, and the other kids in the activities may not live anywhere near you. Im saying all this because when I was your age I was focused on the slog of parenting babies and what I could handle at 35. I was not at all thinking about how exhausted I’d be at 50 with all the work that these kids generate. Teens generate way more laundry than babies because they sweat like Teamsters and there’s all the workout clothes, multiple towels for showers, etc. And they eat so much! And who is going to stay up to pick them up at parties that end at 11 or 12? I’m not telling you not to do it, but I’m just saying the babies are the least of it. I would take three babies in a heartbeat! |