Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

Two is still more physical work, especially when the 2nd is a baby. You have to prepare food for 2, laundry for 2, try to run errands with 2, get 2 kids into their car seats instead of 1. They may have different bed and nap schedules. When I had a baby and pre-schooler, most of the time my DH and I had to both do bedtime (split up for each kid). There were times that both kids would wake up at the same time in the night (when DH was out of town) and I had to split my time trying to get them both to go back to sleep.

Now that my kids are elementary aged, it's easier in some ways because they entertain each other. It's still a lot more work now that I have to drive them to separate activities and playdates, keep track of 2 sets of homework and teacher emails, plan birthday parties for 2 kids, get holiday gifts for 2 kids.

The people I know with 3 or more kids are almost always overwhelmed, even those that have a lot of resources and help.

+1. It is not economies of scale. There are different needs and preferences - many times conflicting. Also, siblings do not always get along and if it takes OP a while to have a second they may not really be in one another’s orbit until the teen years or older. The OP should aim for one more max. Two more would be crazy. She’s describing herself as someone who is not built to be a mom to three kids. Don’t do this to yourself, OP. You can have a great life with one or two. And for the people saying throw money at the problem, what if one or both of OP’s children are special needs? There are problems that you can’t throw enough money at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I will add that I have NO outside help, not even a housecleaner.

[Anonymous]

I think OP needs to see a doctor. The whole "low energy" thing strikes me as depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I dunno, my only child first grader read for a few hours today, helped me bake and make dinner, then “played” with the Christmas tree by turning the ornaments into pretend play characters and rearranging the tree. Typical day and was pretty much zero stress and I had time to nap and read a book too. We perhaps do more stuff because we can, not because we “have” to. Like all kids, fill their buckets and then give them unstructured time to learn how to function without a ton of stimuli. My kid has school and activities, that’s plenty of time to play and I wouldn’t trade the self sufficiency she’s developed for anything. I wish I had it as an adult!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I dunno, my only child first grader read for a few hours today, helped me bake and make dinner, then “played” with the Christmas tree by turning the ornaments into pretend play characters and rearranging the tree. Typical day and was pretty much zero stress and I had time to nap and read a book too. We perhaps do more stuff because we can, not because we “have” to. Like all kids, fill their buckets and then give them unstructured time to learn how to function without a ton of stimuli. My kid has school and activities, that’s plenty of time to play and I wouldn’t trade the self sufficiency she’s developed for anything. I wish I had it as an adult!

I have seen other only children behave similarly. It seems dreamy to me (a mom of 2 boys, 2 years apart).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to see a doctor. The whole "low energy" thing strikes me as depression.

People genuinely have different energy levels without it being a diagnosis. Similarly, not everyone who has high energy is manic.

[Anonymous]

Don't be a SAHM. That requires much higher energy than if you were to work at an office job full time and get a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think OP needs to see a doctor. The whole "low energy" thing strikes me as depression.

People genuinely have different energy levels without it being a diagnosis. Similarly, not everyone who has high energy is manic.

NP. But this strikes me as "I would prefer to sleep in and do what I want all day." Wouldn't we all? It reminds me of Drew Carey's stand-up

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar."

[Anonymous]

This whole "two is easier than one!" is total BS.

It might be preferable.
It might be joyful.
Certain things might be easier at times, such not having to be the 2nd player in a game.

But get real. Don't lie to OP.
They absolutely will argue or cause trouble at some point.
You have double the illnesses and injuries.
Double the sports and activities to handle drop off and pick up at.
Double the parent teacher conferences.
Double the homework to check.
Double the eccentricities and fears to manage.
Double the bedtime.
Double the COST.

It's not going to magically give OP more energy and more time to relax to have two kids. Will she get to sit back a little bit each day if they are close in age and play a game together? Sure. Will she have to break up a fight sometimes? Sure. Will she have to do DOUBLE most things (see above)? Yes.

OP, one is a calculated choice, and a very good one for some people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having the right size family for you. Think about what would be best for the child you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I dunno, my only child first grader read for a few hours today, helped me bake and make dinner, then “played” with the Christmas tree by turning the ornaments into pretend play characters and rearranging the tree. Typical day and was pretty much zero stress and I had time to nap and read a book too. We perhaps do more stuff because we can, not because we “have” to. Like all kids, fill their buckets and then give them unstructured time to learn how to function without a ton of stimuli. My kid has school and activities, that’s plenty of time to play and I wouldn’t trade the self sufficiency she’s developed for anything. I wish I had it as an adult!

I have seen other only children behave similarly. It seems dreamy to me (a mom of 2 boys, 2 years apart).

My two pretty much did similar today. 3 and 6 and they ate breakfast, played with toys, i set then up with some water colors for an hour. Then we had lunch and the little one napped for 2.5 hrs. I offered the older one a trip to the grocery store or to stay home with dad. She came with me. Passed out in car. Then we all had snacks, more play. They watched a movie and dinner and a long bath. A very lazy Sunday. Dh got to nap and read, since be cooked most meals. I chilled on my phone and with a book and tea while they played. We had a busy holiday with family and friends so this was a good break. But we do a chill Sunday at home once a month, no activities, no playdates. They enjoy each others company and i don't have to referee much anymore. This does depend on personalities and how the kids click of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I dunno, my only child first grader read for a few hours today, helped me bake and make dinner, then “played” with the Christmas tree by turning the ornaments into pretend play characters and rearranging the tree. Typical day and was pretty much zero stress and I had time to nap and read a book too. We perhaps do more stuff because we can, not because we “have” to. Like all kids, fill their buckets and then give them unstructured time to learn how to function without a ton of stimuli. My kid has school and activities, that’s plenty of time to play and I wouldn’t trade the self sufficiency she’s developed for anything. I wish I had it as an adult!

I have seen other only children behave similarly. It seems dreamy to me (a mom of 2 boys, 2 years apart).

My two pretty much did similar today. 3 and 6 and they ate breakfast, played with toys, i set then up with some water colors for an hour. Then we had lunch and the little one napped for 2.5 hrs. I offered the older one a trip to the grocery store or to stay home with dad. She came with me. Passed out in car. Then we all had snacks, more play. They watched a movie and dinner and a long bath. A very lazy Sunday. Dh got to nap and read, since be cooked most meals. I chilled on my phone and with a book and tea while they played. We had a busy holiday with family and friends so this was a good break. But we do a chill Sunday at home once a month, no activities, no playdates. They enjoy each others company and i don't have to referee much anymore. This does depend on personalities and how the kids click of course.

Are your kids girls? (It sounds like at least 1 of them is).

[Anonymous]

I had 3 kids between 29 and 34. We planned on 2, but had a surprise third. I am not low energy, had full time help and it was exhausting. Granted I have a FT job.
The thing that nobody talks about is that while in the baby years you can be replaced by a nanny, in the later years, kids need their mom and only their mom and you can’t be replaced.
Let me explain. A baby or toddler needs to be fed, put to sleep, burped, play ball, etc. it does not matter who does these tasks as long as they are done well… these jobs CAN be outsourced (and I did outsourced them).

When the kids start elementary school, their needs change. They still need food, sleep and play, but they can do all of that on their own. What they do need is to talk about their lives, deal with issues they are facing, learn to read, write, deal with failure, heartbreak, rejection, etc. These are the things that you can’t outsource. Doing it for 3 kids is a lot.
Perhaps I am closer to my kids than most, but I find this phase of life much harder than the previous one.
Maybe things are easier when kids are between 3 and 6-7, but having 3 kids means that you don’t have a sweet (easy) time with all 3 at the same time.

It would be easier of course if I did not have to work FT, did not have to travel from time to time, etc. but we decided to put our kids in private school and that means 40-50k per kid per year so I have to work to make it doable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

I agree with this.

Same, I am also an introvert and I have days where I want to drop them off somewhere so I can have some piece and quiet, but it's so much easier now that they're older and have each other to play with. It was hard while they were young, but I had them three years apart, so the older one was a little more self sufficient when the younger was a baby. The age difference helped a lot. Now that they're older, they will play together for hours, whereas my friends who have onlies are either constantly forced to play with their kid, constantly driving them to one activity or the next, or constantly setting up playdates. That seems like a lot of work, too.

I dunno, my only child first grader read for a few hours today, helped me bake and make dinner, then “played” with the Christmas tree by turning the ornaments into pretend play characters and rearranging the tree. Typical day and was pretty much zero stress and I had time to nap and read a book too. We perhaps do more stuff because we can, not because we “have” to. Like all kids, fill their buckets and then give them unstructured time to learn how to function without a ton of stimuli. My kid has school and activities, that’s plenty of time to play and I wouldn’t trade the self sufficiency she’s developed for anything. I wish I had it as an adult!

I have seen other only children behave similarly. It seems dreamy to me (a mom of 2 boys, 2 years apart).

My two pretty much did similar today. 3 and 6 and they ate breakfast, played with toys, i set then up with some water colors for an hour. Then we had lunch and the little one napped for 2.5 hrs. I offered the older one a trip to the grocery store or to stay home with dad. She came with me. Passed out in car. Then we all had snacks, more play. They watched a movie and dinner and a long bath. A very lazy Sunday. Dh got to nap and read, since be cooked most meals. I chilled on my phone and with a book and tea while they played. We had a busy holiday with family and friends so this was a good break. But we do a chill Sunday at home once a month, no activities, no playdates. They enjoy each others company and i don't have to referee much anymore. This does depend on personalities and how the kids click of course.

PP here. That sounds lovely! Just wait until they’re older and more self sufficient and can self direct their time. Independent kids are awesome, but like everything it’s a combination of luck of temperament and front loading the work to get them to develop those skills. Self sufficiency doesn’t address the time and energy that big kid logistics takes. That is increases rapidly as interests and bandwidth develop with age. I worry OP would struggle hard in that regard, even if she lucks out with low key, easy kid(s).

[Anonymous]

First, see a doctor and get night help — at the very least, see how it is when your tank is full. I’ve been through endo and I think it’s draining on your body. You might need adrenal health support and supplements like fish oil, D, iron, B complex, etc. And a full regular night of sleep is so important to recharge.

Second, wait a year and assess. It doesn’t really get easier until they are 2. Then it is as easy as it’ll ever get, because though older kids are more self sufficient there is a host of other parenting stuff that crops up around ECs, character development, friends/social calendar, etc. Two kids with two activity schedules means running around all week.