Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM

[Anonymous]

Hi dcurbanmom, would appreciate some of your collective wisdom in my situation. I’m a 35 year old FTM to a five month old. My husband and I want at least one, preferably two more children. However I’m not a high energy person and don’t do well with sleep deprivation. I’m feeling at 100% or more capacity with one baby so I’m wondering how I’ll be able to add another one or two to the mix- stretch out the age gap and don’t have another one until my current baby is older? Enlist paid help? Freeze embryos so I can have children older when there’s more of a manageable age gap?

Relevant facts: my husband works in biglaw with crazy hours so I’m basically single parenting. I won’t have to go back to work because we can live on husbands income. We live somewhere with no family help but they may be able to visit and stay for a few months at a time to help with the kids. We could probably afford some paid help and could also afford embryo freezing (however I’m not super keen on that idea due to stress on my body and the dilemma of what to do with any leftover embryos).
Also it took us almost two years of trying to get pregnant with our baby due to endometriosis and a TFMR before we conceived her. No idea how long it would take to get to a live birth for our second or third children.

[Anonymous]

If you’re 35 now with a 5 month old, you can space your 2nd pregnancy out a bit more (assuming you didn’t have massive trouble TTC and your husband is a similar age). You can have kid 2 when kid 1 is 3-3.5 and that will be easier on you than “2 under 2” or whatever. Honestly I would stop at 2. I’m low energy myself and had kids younger than you (30/34) and I’m tapped out at two. Even if you hire help and use preschools/child care a fair bit, you’re still managing all that - the different pickups and drop offs and/or the whereabouts of your nanny/babysitter. It’s not easy especially if you’re taking on all/most of the mental load yourself.

[Anonymous]

I'm a low-energy introvert who does horribly with sleep deprivation. In your situation, I'd hire help all the help you need.

I had kids in my mid-20s. My husband also went on to become a big-law partner and our lives would have been a whole lot easier if we had the money we have now when our kids were little. Pay for what you need and don't feel badly about it.

However, I were you, I wouldn't blame the way you are on your age. We are who we are! It it took you awhile to have your first kid, then I'd start trying very soon for your next child.

[Anonymous]

Just saw your bit about how long it took to get pregnant with #1 - if your endo is under control now you could get pregnant more easily. But be prepared to seek medical intervention earlier and more aggressively if it doesn’t happen within 6 months. I still think you should wait until kid 1 is 1.5-2 before TTC again.

[Anonymous]

Stick with one. It is magnitudes easier and you will be a much happier parent and person raising one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick with one. It is magnitudes easier and you will be a much happier parent and person raising one.

This, unless and until you get to a place where you don’t feel close to capacity with one. We have three (all when I was between 35 and 39, as the DW) and never felt at capacity. Even now we could probably manage a fourth, but it might well put us over capacity. Don’t get to that place with kids - you can’t send them back and there’s only so much you can outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stick with one. It is magnitudes easier and you will be a much happier parent and person raising one.

This. From your dhs perspective, it totally sucks that your ‘forever’ plan for finances for multiple kids is you never working again and spending tons of cash on childcare to boot. This seems charming and status symbol-ish for a newly minted junior partner, but ten years later my colleagues locked in this biglaw scenario wish they at least had the option to get off the big law train. Don’t be selfish and do this to your DH.

[Anonymous]

You need another adult in the house helping you parent. Yes, I know single parents do it, and maybe you grew up in a place where SAHMs had a passel of kids and a husband who was always gone--but that's a formula for despair. We can do better and we should.

Hire a full time nanny now. if the baby is not sleeping well, also hire a night nurse. When the baby is one year old, you'll know what you want to do next, whether that is have more kids or stop at one.

If you have the kids spaced closely, hire one nanny per kid. Outsource cleaning and meal making. This is the way.

[Anonymous]

Stick with one or two at the most and get paid help. I was high energy and an older mother (35 and 38) and was drained dry for years (granted I have a full-time job outside the home), but full-time parenting is it’s own energy drain. It also doesn’t get easier, necessarily, it just changes.

[Anonymous]

I'm low energy and had two kids 5 years apart, with minimal help from my husband during the first few years. It was perfectly doable. Indeed, my first was born with special needs and he's worth two or three kids in terms of attention spent on him!

Your issue is that you need to start conceiving ASAP, so you won't have the luxury of spacing. Based on my personal experience, however, I think you can do it.

[Anonymous]

Like PP, hire out. Make an effort to get into a habit of solo self care, whatever that may be for you. I get manicures and pedicures and massages. I also need to be outside daily.

Weekly cleaners, lawn care, consider meal delivery like Blue Apron. Grocery delivery.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely stick with 2 kids. I'm a medium energy parent and had my kids at 30 and 32 and it's incredibly exhausting. They're now in elementary school, and my spouse does a ton of the work and it's still tiring. One thing to consider is the amount of fighting between 3 kids (3 different relationships) versus 2 kids (1 relationship) is much higher and that is emotionally draining. Hiring help is not the same as having your partner co-parent with you through the grueling monotony year after year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stick with one. It is magnitudes easier and you will be a much happier parent and person raising one.

This. From your dhs perspective, it totally sucks that your ‘forever’ plan for finances for multiple kids is you never working again and spending tons of cash on childcare to boot. This seems charming and status symbol-ish for a newly minted junior partner, but ten years later my colleagues locked in this biglaw scenario wish they at least had the option to get off the big law train. Don’t be selfish and do this to your DH.

That’s not even OP’s situation. She said they can afford “some” paid help. Some doesn’t equal a FT nanny + all other household tasks outsourced.

OP, if there is no rectifiable cause of your low energy, then you need to plan for 1 child.

[Anonymous]

I stopped at 1, born when I was 34.
Around 38-39 I felt able to handle another. TTC didn't work out and I'm kinda grateful because now in my early 40s I definitely don't have energy for a toddler/PKer. Life is good with an only.

So, my vote is for 1 kid. If you can't stop at 1, though, I'd say charge ahead and do the second ASAP so they're almost at the same stage and you avoid age related infertility.

Also, I did the law firm thing for a while + have a spouse who spends too much money. From experience, I strongly recommend you work or maintain the ability to work, so DH has the option to leave the firm and so you aren't stuck financially if he starts gambling or leaves you or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I would stick with 1 if I were you.