Strategy for having multiple children as an older lower energy FTM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah you really need to investigate why you “want” more children when you’re at 100% capacity now.

I say this as someone who thought they wanted 2,3,4 kids and ended up with one—by choice—after a lot of deep thinking, conversing with my spouse/ a therapist, journaling, etc.

The pressure to have more than one child in this culture is deeply ingrained in sneaky, sneaky ways. Nearly every commercial depicts families as having multiple children. You likely were raised with a sibling—and surrounded by other kids with siblings—as was the norm back in the 70’s, 80’s, and 90’s. Your parents likely had siblings because their mothers didn’t have access to birth control. How many of the shows you watch feature families with more than one child? How many of the books you read? What is the dominant dramatic portrayal of families with only children in TV, books, and movies? There are a lot of reasons why you may think you “want”more kids even though it is not what is best for you. Really analyze the images you see every day, the memories you have, the stories you like… and think about how they might be influencing you.

Also, there are a lot of things we may “want” for a time but decide against because it is not healthy for ourselves or our relationships in life. You can’t buy everything you want at the store without running out of money. You can’t eat junk all the time without hurting your body. You can’t flirt with good looking people whenever you want without that affecting your marriage. We don’t pursue everything we want in a given moment because we have that rational part of our brain that says “no.” Your brain is in a hormonal bath right now and you have to account for the fact that you are, as a being, biologically driven to have more children. That does not mean you should do it. Stop and think really, really hard.

As others have mentioned, life with one is dreamy.

As someone who has 2 (wanted more) and stopped for many of these and similar reasons, I really appreciate this post. I still sometimes have moments of regret, especially when I see larger families, but all of the reasons we stopped at 2 still exist and are valid. So thank you.

Another mom-of-2 who always wanted tons of kids here and it’s really hard to be honest with myself that I probably can’t manage more. Thank you both for understanding and helping me remember that the urge to just keep having babies has a hormonal component that I need to keep a solid handle on.

I'm the PP above you and my kids are 11 and 14 now. Both great kids and reasonably self-sufficent but they still need so much emotion/frienship counseling, homework/test assistance, management/logistics of extra curriculars, and so on. So while yes I'm no longer wiping butts and cutting grapes, the load has just shifted to other things. This has reaffirmed for us that this is the right amount for us and a third would be hard even now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

Oh how cute, your kids are playmates. Mine have been at war with each other since the youngest was mobile (2 years apart). You cannot assume the kids will be compatible playmates.

Yep this can backfire. Even in the best-case scenario it takes at least 2-3 years before the youngest can truly play with their older sibling. My niece and nephew who are built-in playmates require a lot more hands-on parenting and cause a lot more stress in the household than my only child who can play independently.

[Anonymous]

You are all set. You are older, struggled with infertility and are exhausted by motherhood.

1 is plenty. Do not give into your preconceived notions of what a "family" is. You can stop now

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not sure why everyone is saying stick with one. I am a introverted SAHM, but when we had two my husband worked in big law. One kid was much more draining with one than two as a sahm. With two there was a playmate, to distract, but still one bath, one dinner to prepare, one hour at the playground, one hour book time. Even now when they are older, I still find it easier. I don’t have to do every puzzle, board game, etc with just the one. Easier for the introvert in me I think

Oh how cute, your kids are playmates. Mine have been at war with each other since the youngest was mobile (2 years apart). You cannot assume the kids will be compatible playmates.

Yep this can backfire. Even in the best-case scenario it takes at least 2-3 years before the youngest can truly play with their older sibling. My niece and nephew who are built-in playmates require a lot more hands-on parenting and cause a lot more stress in the household than my only child who can play independently.

Honestly I feel like the "built in playmate" sibling relationships are a double edged sword from purely the parenting perspective. Amazing for the kids and wonderful for the parents to take pride in, BUT how do you expect a child to learn to play independently if they literally never have to? What happens when one child starts an activity the other doesn't? Do those kids get individual attention or are they always treated as a package deal? What does the other kid do when one is getting individual attention? Admittedly I see this sibling BFF dynamic usually in families with 3 or more kids, but it seems like there's usually a trade off in skill development when kids grow up with this dynamic. Sometimes kids need to be bored and alone to learn how to navigate those feelings in life.

[Anonymous]

I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

[Anonymous]

On the flipside, the only children I know inherited a LOT from their parents and none said they minded handling end of life themselves. I think parents of one child tend to plan for end of life more, so they generally don't leave so much undone to cause any child to feel like they're drowning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the flipside, the only children I know inherited a LOT from their parents and none said they minded handling end of life themselves. I think parents of one child tend to plan for end of life more, so they generally don't leave so much undone to cause any child to feel like they're drowning.

Oh all the plans are in place but there’s a lot of time and a lot to do between needing help and dying. Not to mention the stress and worry. My two cents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:On the flipside, the only children I know inherited a LOT from their parents and none said they minded handling end of life themselves. I think parents of one child tend to plan for end of life more, so they generally don't leave so much undone to cause any child to feel like they're drowning.

Oh all the plans are in place but there’s a lot of time and a lot to do between needing help and dying. Not to mention the stress and worry. My two cents.

I know, I’ve been through it with a parent already and am in the middle with the other parent now. I have a sibling and have close friends that were only children. You have a spouse and friends for emotional support, and can own the decision making on your own. Emotionally it’s probably harder for most with a decent relationship with their sibs, but friends without siblings say you can’t miss what you don’t know. Just my observation from having gone through it at the same time as others close to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

This argument pulls at all the heartstrings: you might be alone! Your kid might FEEL alone!

You may live a long life and die of a degenerative disease. Or you may be hit by a bus in middle age. Or die swiftly of some other ailment at whatever age. Don’t decide whether you are going to do 18+ years of parenting 2, 3, + on the hypothetical that in 50 years you’ll die a specific kind of death and your children will be a good team when you pass. There are far too many things that could happen in between—to you, to your kids, etc— for that to be a reasonable, rational way to make this decision.

But it sure sounds convincing when people say it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

New poster here. I’m genuinely so glad for you that you had this experience with your brother. It sounds like a relief. My dad is one of seven. I’d have considered them all generally decent people. No one helped my dad with my grandmother’s estate when she passed (he’s the oldest), and one sister even sued the estate for more money. My mom helped him through it. Not a sibling. His spouse.

I’m considering having an only, and there is NO guarantee that a sibling will help you. I’m glad this was your experience, but as someone who had an extremely traumatic birth experience with my son, and don’t want to risk my life to give birth again, I have to make peace with the fact that this will be my son’s experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

This argument pulls at all the heartstrings: you might be alone! Your kid might FEEL alone!

You may live a long life and die of a degenerative disease. Or you may be hit by a bus in middle age. Or die swiftly of some other ailment at whatever age. Don’t decide whether you are going to do 18+ years of parenting 2, 3, + on the hypothetical that in 50 years you’ll die a specific kind of death and your children will be a good team when you pass. There are far too many things that could happen in between—to you, to your kids, etc— for that to be a reasonable, rational way to make this decision.

But it sure sounds convincing when people say it!

Standing and clapping for the bolded. Thank you, PP. Another hypothetical to ignore: what your Thanksgiving holidays will be like when your kids are adults. Have the number of kids you think you can capably parent - the verb - not the number that will satisfy some distant future that may never come to pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m one of two and now caring for aging parents and I so so grateful for my brother who is my partner in this endeavor. I would be drowning without both his help with tasks but also without his emotional support. Having someone who shares your history and same level of love for your parents is such a comfort. We were not close growing up and now live far apart but the core has always been there and we are a fantastic team in this. As I see our social safety nets fraying coupled with a shortage of actual people to provide care, I am really glad I didn’t stop at one. I have no idea what people who don’t have someone younger to help them do? Even with money it is a complicated, minefield IF you can find someone to help or a place to go. There is no guarantee that your kids will help you or each other but if you don’t have them then you are gonna be on your own if you are lucky/unlucky enough to live a long time.

This argument pulls at all the heartstrings: you might be alone! Your kid might FEEL alone!

You may live a long life and die of a degenerative disease. Or you may be hit by a bus in middle age. Or die swiftly of some other ailment at whatever age. Don’t decide whether you are going to do 18+ years of parenting 2, 3, + on the hypothetical that in 50 years you’ll die a specific kind of death and your children will be a good team when you pass. There are far too many things that could happen in between—to you, to your kids, etc— for that to be a reasonable, rational way to make this decision.

But it sure sounds convincing when people say it!

Standing and clapping for the bolded. Thank you, PP. Another hypothetical to ignore: what your Thanksgiving holidays will be like when your kids are adults. Have the number of kids you think you can capably parent - the verb - not the number that will satisfy some distant future that may never come to pass.

My in-laws have four kids and spend Christmas alone half of the time (one sub works, one lives overseas, two travel every other year to other side of the family). Four kids and solo holidays. Nothing is a guarantee.

[Anonymous]

Is low-energy just code for lazy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is low-energy just code for lazy?

From people I know, it’s either physical health (weight, thyroid, etc) or mental health. A few decades of depression, anxiety, and/or ADHD will really zap your reserves. You get so used to functioning that way it becomes your new normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is low-energy just code for lazy?

From people I know, it’s either physical health (weight, thyroid, etc) or mental health. A few decades of depression, anxiety, and/or ADHD will really zap your reserves. You get so used to functioning that way it becomes your new normal.

This. And much more often the latter.