Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh it’s ok. I’m infatuated with my kids swim coach. It’s a fun time flirting with him. But I always remember that no matter how great I think he is, someone somewhere is fed up with his shit.

+1. Enjoy the flirt, enjoy that you like talking to him and the banter that you have. Don’t let it get physical or do anything inappropriate. An infatuation can be kind of fun and a distraction from “real life” but the moment it becomes “real life” it’s a whole mess and not worth the trouble. He’s just a boring husband to someone else and life wouldn’t be incredible if you ran away with him. Being a suburban soccer mom is not the worst thing you could be, you could be divorced and no longer invited to the soccer games and I can guarantee the excitement of this crush would burn out real fast.

[Anonymous]

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is this such a taboo, forbidden thing? Why can’t I go on a date with another man and still have an intact family at home? Why can’t we have both? I feel that I can love more than one person in different ways, but it’s still love. If my dh had a gf on the side who was discrete and trustworthy and healthy I honestly don’t know if I would care or feel anything at all.

There is what you feel and there is reality. Are you really sure you want to find out?

I definitely don't. It's not worth the risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is this such a taboo, forbidden thing? Why can’t I go on a date with another man and still have an intact family at home? Why can’t we have both? I feel that I can love more than one person in different ways, but it’s still love. If my dh had a gf on the side who was discrete and trustworthy and healthy I honestly don’t know if I would care or feel anything at all.

There is what you feel and there is reality. Are you really sure you want to find out?

I definitely don't. It's not worth the risk.

Agreed. I wouldn’t care in the scenario above but I would care if it became something more and started to impede on our home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

Yes, I chose this 20+ years ago for various reasons, being in love wasn’t one, I have a family now and it is what it is. There are worse things than my situation obviously, but I keep feeling pangs of jealousy toward happily married couples. I keep thinking I could have had that, I should have had that. Maybe I am being selfish and immature but it’s not fair. The only way I could possibly feel that is if I broke up my family first and then hoped to find someone. That’s never going to be part of my life, I need to make the most of what I have. I just have periods where I breakdown and feel sorry for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

Yes, I chose this 20+ years ago for various reasons, being in love wasn’t one, I have a family now and it is what it is. There are worse things than my situation obviously, but I keep feeling pangs of jealousy toward happily married couples. I keep thinking I could have had that, I should have had that. Maybe I am being selfish and immature but it’s not fair. The only way I could possibly feel that is if I broke up my family first and then hoped to find someone. That’s never going to be part of my life, I need to make the most of what I have. I just have periods where I breakdown and feel sorry for myself.

There’s no reason for you not to be happily married, really. Most marriages since the beginning of time were simply people marrying each other for practical reasons, and a lot of those marriages were very happy and loving because that’s what the parties decided they wanted. It’s a choice. You could simply choose to love your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

Yes, I chose this 20+ years ago for various reasons, being in love wasn’t one, I have a family now and it is what it is. There are worse things than my situation obviously, but I keep feeling pangs of jealousy toward happily married couples. I keep thinking I could have had that, I should have had that. Maybe I am being selfish and immature but it’s not fair. The only way I could possibly feel that is if I broke up my family first and then hoped to find someone. That’s never going to be part of my life, I need to make the most of what I have. I just have periods where I breakdown and feel sorry for myself.

There’s no reason for you not to be happily married, really. Most marriages since the beginning of time were simply people marrying each other for practical reasons, and a lot of those marriages were very happy and loving because that’s what the parties decided they wanted. It’s a choice. You could simply choose to love your husband.

That’s how I think about it, and arranged marriages as well. But I am not attracted to my dh though, I am strongly attracted to another married man. It’s difficult, I feel like a fraud, pretending to be attracted to dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

Yes, I chose this 20+ years ago for various reasons, being in love wasn’t one, I have a family now and it is what it is. There are worse things than my situation obviously, but I keep feeling pangs of jealousy toward happily married couples. I keep thinking I could have had that, I should have had that. Maybe I am being selfish and immature but it’s not fair. The only way I could possibly feel that is if I broke up my family first and then hoped to find someone. That’s never going to be part of my life, I need to make the most of what I have. I just have periods where I breakdown and feel sorry for myself.

How do you know that these " happily married couples" are not in the same shoes as you are? You can't really tell by looking at them.

You really are going through a midlife crisis. Wake the hell up!

[Anonymous]

Avoid the coworker and when you are together, mention your DH and kids. Keep things strictly professional. Make up your kind now that he is not an option and IF he ever makes an overture shut it down immediately and unambiguously.

[Anonymous]

I have a crush on someone I work closely with, and it isn't just physical (though yes, I do find him very attractive), it's a lot of other things--we are extremely similar. But there's no way I'd act on it. We both are married with families and we would probably both lose our jobs.

[Anonymous]

It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

I guess because coming out as gay isn’t seen as a threat to the spouse. Kind of a f$&@‘d up concept though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

I can guarantee my dh would approve of a same sex side piece, while if it were another man things would get ugly really quickly.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.