Married and infatuated with coworker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

You knowingly chose this, and unless you disclosed it to your DH prior to marriage, he is the one I feel really badly for. He should be able to expect that his spouse adores him.

Yes, I chose this 20+ years ago for various reasons, being in love wasn’t one, I have a family now and it is what it is. There are worse things than my situation obviously, but I keep feeling pangs of jealousy toward happily married couples. I keep thinking I could have had that, I should have had that. Maybe I am being selfish and immature but it’s not fair. The only way I could possibly feel that is if I broke up my family first and then hoped to find someone. That’s never going to be part of my life, I need to make the most of what I have. I just have periods where I breakdown and feel sorry for myself.

There’s no reason for you not to be happily married, really. Most marriages since the beginning of time were simply people marrying each other for practical reasons, and a lot of those marriages were very happy and loving because that’s what the parties decided they wanted. It’s a choice. You could simply choose to love your husband.

That’s how I think about it, and arranged marriages as well. But I am not attracted to my dh though, I am strongly attracted to another married man. It’s difficult, I feel like a fraud, pretending to be attracted to dh.

Welcome to life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

I would very much like it if this happened to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was you a few years ago -- living the suburban dream, blah blah. I'm now divorced.

If you go down the affair path, be prepared to end your marriage. Not because your husband might find out -- but because once you fall for someone else and pursue that relationship, it is exceedingly difficult to return to the marriage. Even if you physically stay, your heart and mind will be with someone else.

Unsolicited advice, but try to use this as a wake-up call to re-prioritize. Cut out some of the schlepping if possible. See if you can get that spark back with your husband. If you truly can't, then leave -- with a clean conscience. But don't involve another person first. It complicates things so much and the guilt and regret are enormous.

I am happy, but I wish I had not strayed when I got that itch. I wish I had looked for other outlets for excitement and rejuvenation. Once I was with the AP, I couldn't give him up. The comfortable marriage couldn't compare to the new.

I am with my AP who is wonderful (contrary to the many naysayers who say affairs don't last and the feelings aren't real). But I miss my husband and having an intact family. We still may have wound up divorced but I would have felt more confident in the decision had I left without the involvement of a third party.

I wish you luck navigating this situation. It is incredibly common.

Ugh. NP here. Im on this path. No physical affair but deeply emotional. I’ve cut it off, but it is so hard to go back to “normal.” We’re in therapy now. Not sure if we’ll make it and if I’ll ever be truly happy in the marriage. But I know I’ll have deep regret if we divorce.

I appreciate your perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

I would very much like it if this happened to me.

A little low on the story, the mom was not surprised. The dad stayed super involved with his kids and they raised the kids together. The dad even helped coach my friend’s cheerleading squad.

[Anonymous]

*a little more on the story

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be more acceptable to come out as gay than have a hetero relationship outside of marriage. At least when someone comes out as gay, we say they are living authentically and being true to themselves. If I had a bf on the side I would be called a slew of unsavory names, they wouldn’t say I was being true to myself.

My friend's dad came out as gay and he and the ex-wife are now platonic best friends.

I would very much like it if this happened to me.

A little low on the story, the mom was not surprised. The dad stayed super involved with his kids and they raised the kids together. The dad even helped coach my friend’s cheerleading squad.

Well, how fortunate for the dad to be able to have his cake and eat it too, as they say. Hetero people, ahem women, can’t get away with such things, we would be shunned by society and called whores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.

Oh noes!! Quiet desperation! Next you’ll tell me you have to wake up at 7 am but you’re *actually a night person!*

Grow up, at least for the sake of your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.

Oh noes!! Quiet desperation! Next you’ll tell me you have to wake up at 7 am but you’re *actually a night person!*

Grow up, at least for the sake of your kids.

Ok, not pp here but can we at least acknowledge that many people are trapped in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages? I have lived a lie, so to speak, for 20 years, hate to keep comparing this, but if I were gay and in this position it would be encouraged, applauded even. Since I am a straight woman desiring a married man, I am told to grow up, welcome to reality, told I am having a midlife crisis. It’s a painful position to be in, deeply hurtful and depressing. It’s as real as a person coming out as gay later in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.

Oh noes!! Quiet desperation! Next you’ll tell me you have to wake up at 7 am but you’re *actually a night person!*

Grow up, at least for the sake of your kids.

Ok, not pp here but can we at least acknowledge that many people are trapped in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages? I have lived a lie, so to speak, for 20 years, hate to keep comparing this, but if I were gay and in this position it would be encouraged, applauded even. Since I am a straight woman desiring a married man, I am told to grow up, welcome to reality, told I am having a midlife crisis. It’s a painful position to be in, deeply hurtful and depressing. It’s as real as a person coming out as gay later in a marriage.

It’s 2022, you can acknowledge that your marriage isn’t working and get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.

Oh noes!! Quiet desperation! Next you’ll tell me you have to wake up at 7 am but you’re *actually a night person!*

Grow up, at least for the sake of your kids.

My family unit is not in danger because, unlike OP, I had my fair share of passionate sex with men (and a couple of women) before settling down for marriage, where things inevitably get stale. So the temptation for me is less than for OP. Your inability to recognize that OP is faced with a difficult choice, and reducing yourself to ad hominem attacks betrays a lack of empathy and ability to appreciate that people are complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

I have small children and feel obligated to raise them in an intact family. How is it unhealthy to stay? other than the fact I will always long for a romantic partner, I’m not happy, but I made my bed. I willingly went into this. My husband isn’t a bad guy, there’s just no spark and never has been. Where would I even begin alone, mid 40s with small kids, i am cute but am no catch. I would have to be delusional to believe that I could find a decent man at this point. I have a crush on a married man who, for all I know, is most likely madly in love with his wife.

If you never had a passionate love affair, I would just take a chance and go for it. You cannot just go to the grave without ever experiencing that.

This is one of the stupidest posts I’ve ever read on this website full of stupid posts.

No, OP, derailing your entire life for good sex is not a good idea. At least dump your husband first.

I am the author of the "stupid post." Some people, like I sense with the OP, are struggling to continue living a life of quiet desperation with no passionate outlet. She has a choice with pros and cons, it is not so clear cut as you make it out to be. Our lives are short, and the period of our lives where we can truly feel in lust or in love are vanishingly brief. To give up on ever experiencing that feeling once in life is not a small sacrifice.

Oh noes!! Quiet desperation! Next you’ll tell me you have to wake up at 7 am but you’re *actually a night person!*

Grow up, at least for the sake of your kids.

Ok, not pp here but can we at least acknowledge that many people are trapped in unhappy and unfulfilling marriages? I have lived a lie, so to speak, for 20 years, hate to keep comparing this, but if I were gay and in this position it would be encouraged, applauded even. Since I am a straight woman desiring a married man, I am told to grow up, welcome to reality, told I am having a midlife crisis. It’s a painful position to be in, deeply hurtful and depressing. It’s as real as a person coming out as gay later in a marriage.

It’s 2022, you can acknowledge that your marriage isn’t working and get divorced.

Ha! If only it were so easy to just get divorced, when faced with adversity my dh and his family can become extremely vindictive, nasty individuals. I don’t really feel like putting my kids and myself in that position at the moment. My dh won’t gently agree to a divorce, no way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^it’s so bad that I worry about my infatuation flirting or possibly cheating on his wife with anyone other than me, I don’t even care if my own husband flirts with other people

That guy’s poor wife. Stay out of his marriage.

Stop yourself.

I haven’t started anything, I am not even a blip on his radar. It’s all in my head, it’s torture and I wish I could just stop thinking about him. I haven’t felt like this in so long, it’s exhilarating yet it’s also destroying me.

Can't you just habituate by overdoing the thinking? And...self-caring? I don't like that you don't feel good. That's the part that has to stop.

Op here-
I think a lot of us feel like this. I’ve got the career, darling kids, supportive husband, SFH in the suburbs - everything that I was conditioned to think was the goal. I was pushed into marriage in my mid-20s by both sets of parents. I wasn’t quite mature enough to understand who I was and what I actually wanted in life. So now my days are 120% full with zero me time running from 6 am wake up to get ready for work, kids to school, off to professional job to pick up kids take them to activities rush them home cook, clean, pay the bills, keep life organized just to put the kids to bed and spend 10 minutes with my spouse before I want to pass out and just sleep.

So, it’s not so much the hot lusty coworker that is getting to me. It’s the realization that this is it. I checked the boxes like I was told to do and I’m not happy. Coworker is an emotional escape to the life I can’t have. And won’t have…because the reality is I will never actually cross that line to hurt my husband. That moral compass is too loud to give into what I want..

I’m thinking this is a bigger issue for many 40-something women. We often hit our “peak” later than men, but inconveniently post fertile years..

Agree, I fee like I am hitting my ‘peak’ now, it didn’t happen in my 20s or 30s, I was too busy establishing a career, finding a suitable partner, having babies, buying a house…Now all the dust settled and here I am, wondering how I am going to do this for another 40 years? No, I am not 100% happy, I cannot honestly say that given the opportunity, I would deny this married crush, and I am ashamed of that.

Man here, this is fascinating

I had the hot sex with a married woman and it was incredible. But we went out separate ways, perhaps because we don't live in the same city.

Can't you just sleep with him, scratch the itch and go back to boring suburban life!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m someone who acted on the feelings. Don’t do it OP, it’s not real. Like someone said earlier it’s not him, it’s how he makes you feel. In my case the coworker would notice when I got a haircut, or wore a new outfit. He paid attention to what I liked and didn’t like and would make me dinner consisting of something he’d noticed I’d enjoyed at some point. (We were away for several weeks on work travel).

There’s nothing at all like the feeling of actually being seen by a living, breathing, attractive member of the opposite sex when you feel completely invisible in your long term marriage to your nice guy. Who you feel hasn’t actually seen you in years and would never, ever notice if you got a haircut.

In my case I fell for it, had what I thought was a good time for a few weeks, broke it off when the trip ended, came home from travel and felt horrible and came clean to my husband. He pretty much immediately (okay within a few months) decided he could never get over the betrayal and we divorced just over a year later. The rest is history.

My world blew up quicker than I ever thought was possible. My XH, who I thought would try to at least work on things, basically took off and was done. No second chances for me.

In retrospect I wasn’t actually even attracted to the guy. My XH was better looking and a better catch. But being around someone who listened to you and noticed you when you hadn’t experienced that for a long time was like a buffet for someone who is starving. I’m a total jerk for my behavior, I should have thought about what was missing from my own relationship and worked on that. Life lesson I would highly not recommend anyone else having to learn.

This, this.

It's equally true for men. I was basically the loser husband who was invisible to my wife and felt alive again when a co-worker showed interest.

But I am surprised you confessed. This is "take it to the grave" stuff. We had a wonderful time and it was a great break from the doldrums of being invisible and neglected in marriage.

I wish you well.

I feel for your wife....you better hope she never finds out.

I wish I had any passion towards my husband to even care if he cheated on me…really, after 20+ years of marriage, is it surprising that people lose interest?

Not surprising but sad, in my mind. There are plenty of marriages of 20 years that are strong because both partners have consistently invested in the relationship .

Invest how exactly? Romantically, I am indifferent toward my dh. I care for him as my best friend and I respect him and maybe that’s good enough. But I never had romantic feelings towards him, I want to feel that with someone during my lifetime. I want a reciprocal head over heels love affair, I want to feel weak in the knees, even if only for a short time. I have never felt that towards my dh and I never will.

Ok if you NEVER had it, then you need to leave. That isn't healthy. I can safely say you won't regret leaving if this is the case.

That's B.S. she could leave her DH and never find what she wants. She can get laid, sure but the post divorce dating market isn't that great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve never done this. But I have a new coworker and we just click. In every sense. He makes me feel like I’m 18 again with my first love…. Not the middle age married soccer mom that I am now. I’m deeply infatuated.

My marriage is blah, but DH is a nice guy. Coworker is also married, lives a plane ride away (we travel together sometimes), and while he shows signs of interest we both try hard not to acknowledge it - though I’m the one who holds back. It’s hard because we have to work together and I’m constantly coming up with excuses why I can’t collaborate when the reality is that I can only think of NSFW stuff when he calls and we are supposed to be reviewing spreadsheets…

It’s distracting and I want it to end this feeling and either a) move on with my boring dead marriage existence of driving kids to suburban soccer games or b) just do this already. But, I don’t feel like I can let my guard down because I could be wrong - he could just be nice and I’m interpreting nice as something more.

Any advice from someone who has been there done that?

I’m thinking of getting therapy.

Get therapy to decide what you want before you do anything. You might be looking for a way out and that's why this co-worker makes you feel this way (in addition to just having chemistry with him). If you want to explore something with the co-worker, you need to accept that there will be real consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh it’s ok. I’m infatuated with my kids swim coach. It’s a fun time flirting with him. But I always remember that no matter how great I think he is, someone somewhere is fed up with his shit.

YES. This is the truth