Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

OP here. What is annoying to me is the above "her worries about your parents finances." Why does she have any thoughts on my parents' finances, period? It's not like my husband and I are reliant on anyone else. My parents' situation is my parents' situation. Certainly I'm not worried about them. What interest of hers is it? Even if I haven't "corrected" her that my parents are now multi-millionaires, why does it matter? People who are so shallow that they need to know someone else's (particularly people she doesn't know very well) financial situation are busybodies, and quite frankly, insecure. Would it make her feel better about herself if my parents were poor? It doesn't affect my life now. We have a $2M home, that we've worked and paid for ourselves. I guess I just don't understand why it matters.

She sounds insufferable and clueless but not worth stewing over. What would life be like if it had no characters in it?

Calm, peaceful and enjoyable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she mentions your finances or your parents’ finances, just look her straight in the eye and say, “That is none of your business, and I am surprised you don’t know that asking or speculating about other people’s finances is rude.” Stand your ground on that one.

Other than that, “Mmm hmm,” “Uh huh,” “OK,” or one of my favorites: “Yeahhhhh, you mentioned that.”

Gray rock.

+1

MIL still goes on about which college DH chose to attend, OP- even though DH paid MIL back early and with higher than market interest. In fact, our kids are “supposed to” go to the same college that DH turned down, according to MIL.

DH says even if our kids get into that school (IF they even apply) - DH hopes they actually will not attend.

Some people are broken records. Some people are mentally ill. Not sure if your and my MIL are one or both, but it is not your battle to fight. What both MIL’s seem to be is histrionic. Again, not our problem.

Limit contact, OP. You will be so hapoy you did, and MIL will have to find another fixation.

[Anonymous]

lol OP. I love your bitterness. She sounds really annoying… but you know there’s nothing wrong with her, right?

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We also use daycare, and I don't ever rely on her, but of course she wants to see her grandchild, so we try and find times for her to see him, and that's the result. I also "dropped the rope" and DH manages her, so this isn't as much an active issue, but an irritation nonetheless because she's extremely needy and wants more and more time.

Make a game out of her comments. Literally, someone suggested this years ago to me on DCUM when I complained about my MIL. She wasn't toxic, but she had a habit of making comments that drove me CRAZY, but were overall sort of minor. So then I started to try to guess ahead of time what her comments would be. So: 1) she will comment on someone's haircut and how it looks terrible 2) she will make a comment about food she doesn't like 3) she will complain we are "late" even when we are the first ones there 4) she will defend her small, yet aggressive, dog's behavior etc etc etc.

It helped me stop getting so worked out about the sh*t I couldn't change. She still is a difficult person, but when she says a comment I've anticipated, I almost feel happy about it. Mainly because it shows I've got her pegged pretty well! It turns out when I stopped caring so much, she got less annoying.

Love this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom dealt with my rude, condescending grandmother (her MIL) who made outlandish comments by just thinking of her as she would an out of line toddler that says crazy things. She told me once she took that mindset it helped a lot and she ended up doing a lot of ignoring/deflecting . “Okay Larla, if you say so. Anyway, I have to go stir the peas now.” “Yes, I heard you last time you mentioned that. Oh I forgot to water my plants, better go do that now.” Dumb examples, but you get the idea.

Yes this is the way! You have to just think “oh this is what she does! It has nothing to do with me.” And believe it. And don’t get sucked in.

FWIW my MIL is similar in that she is SO sad her kids have grown up and will talk so much about how the happiest days are behind her. Which is both sad because I think she does feel that way, but also kind of weird because she makes her kids feel guilty about growing up. My DH has always hated and resented that and it’s carried over into his thoughts about parenthood in ways I’m not wild about. But she’s not going to change and my DH has to take responsibility for his own actions in response to her behavior (mostly being terrified of the idea of me staying home, which I untimely did not do but have thought about). Anyway just forget there is any possibility of her changing. She’s not going to! So do what you need to minimize your own stress as a result.