Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

What a crock. My husband is awesome. All but one of his siblings are awesome. His mother is an absolute train wreck and was a terrible, selfish mother. They’re the good people they are because of nature over nurture and because they had a good dad.

Men tend to choose women like their mothers on some fundamental level. You don't sound very nice either....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mentioned she worked as a therapist.
I know a few therapists and they are all whacko.
I’m sure there are many normal ones out there but something about therapy seems to attract people who are a bit off themselves

They probably hear everything under the sun. That would turn anyone into a wacko eventually. How could you look at anyone and not imagine what crazy things might be on their mind, or have happened in their lives? It would be hard to be casual ever again, I imagine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Most of this is about you and your own insecurities. What happens when your son marries an annoying woman? Cycle will continue. Keep up with therapy. Respond to her texts with a thumbs up or heart. Let your husband deal with all planning.

I disagree with this. I have a friend who makes frequent comments about my family’s financial state. All sorts of extreme assumptions about how we don’t have any money. What’s weird is that we are fairly well off and I will inherit millions from my parents. The comments were fine for a while but then it started to really bother me. It’s extremely strange that this friend is so hung up on my family and how much she thinks we don’t have. Some of the comments she has made are plain rude but overtime it has started to come across to me as more bizarre.

OP here. I agree with your comment and I’m sorry you have a person like this who is constantly questioning your finances. I actually think someone who is sooo concerned (and actually verbalizes! to the individual!) about someone else’s financial state is the one with the insecurity. Like I said, yeah it makes me feel a little uncomfortable when I’m told I *can’t possibly* relate to the privileged lives of the DC elite, but to me it reads as more of a way to compare herself to my parents (who are normal, sociable, cool people who we have a great relationship with) in maybe a weird competitive way. I don’t know. Definitely reeks of her own insecurity as far as I’m concerned, or someone who is using their money to feel better about themselves. So I try and remind myself of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

What a crock. My husband is awesome. All but one of his siblings are awesome. His mother is an absolute train wreck and was a terrible, selfish mother. They’re the good people they are because of nature over nurture and because they had a good dad.

Men tend to choose women like their mothers on some fundamental level. You don't sound very nice either....

OP here. I actually know a lot of people who have ended up with people completely opposite from their mothers. His mom and I couldn’t be more opposite on paper, and I’ve even admitted to having anxiety and working on it. I’m not ashamed of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

What a crock. My husband is awesome. All but one of his siblings are awesome. His mother is an absolute train wreck and was a terrible, selfish mother. They’re the good people they are because of nature over nurture and because they had a good dad.

Men tend to choose women like their mothers on some fundamental level. You don't sound very nice either....

OP here. I actually know a lot of people who have ended up with people completely opposite from their mothers. His mom and I couldn’t be more opposite on paper, and I’ve even admitted to having anxiety and working on it. I’m not ashamed of that.

Are you the PP above? I didn't realize that was you, OP. Anyway, you're not your MIL's age yet. Who knows what she was like when she was your age -- apparently she was very happy and having the time of her life raising your DH.

I've gotten involved with people who seemed nothing like my parents only to discover they were exactly like my father. It's uncanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

That IS weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

100%.

Your MIL made your spouse the person he is, which is both the bad and the good (as no person is perfect). You need to move on. I'm dead serious about this. It isn't healthy for your, your family (spouse & kids) and not the MIL. Like it or not, she's in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Agree 100%. OP’s MIL is silly, and I can see why it would be annoying, but OP is overreacting.

Most of the annoying examples seem to be about money & status. Coming from a similar background to OP, my guess is that OP’s father had a chip on his shoulder about their wealth (or lack thereof) & his relationship with his parents and their wealth, and that has made OP more sensitive about it than if she was from a family that had always been middle class. There seem to be several generations of dysfunction about money to sort through here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you really are deluding yourself if you think your husband and most of his siblings turned out to be "awesome" in spite of their mother being a horrible person and parent even though she was the primary caregiver during their childhood.

Does your husband also think he only turned out great due to his dad and that his mother was and is terrible?

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain OP. Women who don't bring home the bacon simply don't understand money like we do. Their views of salaries, time, and other things can be way off from our reality. I understand it can appear childlike. Just remember that it's like speaking to a child in her case, as far as work and money is concerned and shrug it off. She sounds particularly immature and naive, but at the same time a sort of braggart. Just keep your side of the street clean. Be cordial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm in therapy for anxiety (not related to this, although this has been a recent focus). I just feel so angry and irritated with my MIL sometimes that sometimes I block her number just to not see her messages come through.

I grew up in a low income town, and we were fairly middle class. My MIL ironically also grew up poor, married rich, and they live a lavish lifestyle. Last-minute trips, constant talk about how she doesn't have to work, because they're wealthy enough, she just "likes to," yet she didn't work when my husband was younger because she didn't "want to," tells DH and I that our jobs are too demanding, and used to send us links to jobs paying $40K a year (I currently make $300K, DH makes about $250K and we support ourselves 100%). My parents had a tree fall on their house a few weeks ago and her first comment was, "Wow that must cost them a lot, I know that's expensive... how are they doing financially?" and just seems to make constant comments about money. Unrelated but my parents recently inherited a few million dollars (seriously) from my grandmother who passed away, and she still makes comments about my family "living on a shoestring" which I simply find offensive. This was over 2 years ago now, so obviously not worth saying anything now. I just hang onto her comments and can't let them go.

She has lived here in DC her entire life (grew up here), has no close friends (which I think is bizarre), and constantly waxes nostalgic about how when my DH and their daughter were babies, that was the time of her life.... still gives DH gifts related to his 6 year old birthday theme (seriously, we get something dragon-related for every. single. occasion). She goes to the park where they played and said she just spends hours thinking about when they were children and "smiling to herself." Since she's a therapist she also really likes to talk about her emotions, to which, DH and his father will just leave the room and walk away, so I know others get irritated with it as well. She's a big dreamer and she talks about buying a house in my hometown just because she "finds rural areas so authentic and quaint." She's just totally aloof and I find her behavior laughable, yet angering and patronizing.

Since my DS was born a couple of years ago, she has ramped up the nostalgic comments and I just find them totally grating to the point where I simmer on things days and weeks later. Add in that she lives such a whimsical, care-free life, she can't commit to being available at specific times to watch DS, and without fail, there is ALWAYS some sort of scheduling confusion, even if it's checking in (literally) 7 times to confirm the time, and then showing up an hour late. It's ridiculous, but I just hang onto these comments she makes and it makes me furious. This weekend, she was talking about getting a dog, just because my 2 year old says the word "dog" a million times. Will they ever get a dog? Absolutely not. She then must have said "Golden leaves, golden memories" about 5 times as she smiled and wiped her eyes, looking at our son. Her over the top cheesey/whimsical behavior is just so obnoxious, and I've totally inflated it in my head, that I stay angry about it.

I am working on this in therapy, but has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this where ILs live locally? DH also works long hours so we don't see them very often, but she texts constantly, to the point I've blocked her number just so I don't have to see more stupid cheesey phrases and emoji hearts. I would love to hear how others have either gotten their anger/annoyance "down" and moved forward. It's just been a total fever pitch for the last couple years since having a child, although I always found her irritating. I now dread family holidays and actively think of ways to not see them.

You're allowing her to live rent free inside of your head.
Only you have the power to change that.
As a pp said; her behavior is NOT ABOUT YOU, yet you take everything she does personally.

You do realize that if she actually WAS trying to get in your head & make you feel insecure, you're allowing her to do so -- hook, line & sinker (for the record, I don't believe that's what she's doing).

It sounds like she may be having a senior-life crisis -- as all the nostalgic comments tells us that she misses that time in her life and she feels as if she has no identity, now that her kids have grown.

Gray rock her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

Everyone is so hung up on the bolded. I’d assume OP shared about the town as it may be why the MIL keeps assuming she is poor!

[Anonymous]

You are spending too much time with her
How often do you see each other?
How did she even find out about a tree falling in your parents yard?
Don’t tell her your family business, don’t invite her over so often or visit regularly
Don’t use her as a babysitter