Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a wackadoo. When DH and I are around annoying people like that (his cousins, for example) we come up with a bingo board. Say "golden leaves, golden memories." Talk about getting a dog. Confirm the dinner reservation. Talk about getting a house in the country. Whatever.

Then you will get happy each time you hear her say one of the things that previously annoyed you because you're closer to winning.

Also, stop asking her to watch your son. Ever. Instead say "I'm taking Jayden to Glomp Park this Sunday at 10am if you'd like to join us. We'll be leaving at 11:30. Hope to see you there." Then get there at 10 and leave at 11:30 like you said. She either shows or doesn't. Stick to your schedule.

I agree with this post. She's a wackadoo, let her be a character and do her wacky act, and just nod along. Dont expect anything she says to be serious and let the questionable comments roll off your back. Don't depend on her for actual help or to show up to anything on time, and go forward with your plans without waiting for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
She sounds socially awkward and clueless, which might explain the lack of friends, but she does not sound unfeeling, quite the opposite. Obviously she has your parents' wellbeing in mind, and yours as well.

I don't really understand what's offensive to you. I would just tune her out.

Perhaps she has some form of ADHD (inability to schedule) and Asperger's (socio-communication issues). ADHD/ASD runs in my husband's family. A lot of them are quirky. It's alright. Let her be weird and quirky, OP.

You don't need to understand. Especially since this is likely only a fraction of a fraction of the examples.

Yet none of the examples given are the least offensive, so if they're all like this, there is still no reason to be irritated. She's flaky and repetitive? OK. Don't make firm plans with her. Don't wait for her. Tune out her repetitions.

To me, very clearly, there is some sort of diagnosis there. I've known plenty of ADHD/ASD people like this. And somehow they're all reasonably functional, decent people.

[Anonymous]

My honest opinion is can you try to find the good in your mother in law? She sounds pretty harmless. And she’s your husband’s mom. The relationship you have with her is setting a foundation for the relationship with your own grandkids. I totally get that she’s cheesy but it does sound harmless… she misses those times when her kids were young, as a parent now can’t you relate a little? I don’t know I guess I feel like I understand my mother in law much more now that I’m a parent. And she can be annoying but so can we all when we’re part of a family. It just seems like the things you’re mentioning are not worth perseveration over at all. More like, oh my mil lol. I try my best to approach my in laws idiosyncrasies the way I do my own parents, with a giggle and benefit of the doubt as much as I can. Doesn’t mean I don’t go omg is she serious! Sometimes but then I laugh and say classic sandra (lol not the real name) and move on. The relationship my kids have with her is well worth it and most important. Maybe a little humor could help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Again, all she's integrated is what she learned when she met you, which is that you lived a low-income life and paid your own way. Apparently you haven't been direct enough about reframing the conversation with updated information. It's your choice whether you do that or not, but you're likely going to be irritated either way, because she doesn't sound like she has much social graces anyway. If she knows your parents have now inherited significant wealth, she might become obnoxious in other ways.

So just tune her out.

[Anonymous]

OP the problem is not your MIL, sorry. Keep working on it in therapy because she might be mildly annoying or offensive but nothing to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Yeah, in my mind, I've told her once, and given it was an inappropriate question on her part, I feel weird repeating it, but money comes up in every conversation with her in one way or another, so it feels constantly patronizing and I just don't feel it's relevant to disclosure my parents' financial situation. It's not something I'd share unless I was with a good friend and it was absolutely relevant to the conversation.

Again, all she's integrated is what she learned when she met you, which is that you lived a low-income life and paid your own way. Apparently you haven't been direct enough about reframing the conversation with updated information. It's your choice whether you do that or not, but you're likely going to be irritated either way, because she doesn't sound like she has much social graces anyway. If she knows your parents have now inherited significant wealth, she might become obnoxious in other ways.

So just tune her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Yeah, in my mind, I've told her once, and given it was an inappropriate question on her part, I feel weird repeating it, but money comes up in every conversation with her in one way or another, so it feels constantly patronizing and I just don't feel it's relevant to disclosure my parents' financial situation. It's not something I'd share unless I was with a good friend and it was absolutely relevant to the conversation.


Again, all she's integrated is what she learned when she met you, which is that you lived a low-income life and paid your own way. Apparently you haven't been direct enough about reframing the conversation with updated information. It's your choice whether you do that or not, but you're likely going to be irritated either way, because she doesn't sound like she has much social graces anyway. If she knows your parents have now inherited significant wealth, she might become obnoxious in other ways.

So just tune her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the problem is not your MIL, sorry. Keep working on it in therapy because she might be mildly annoying or offensive but nothing to be upset about.

+1

[Anonymous]

I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Honestly you just have to say - this is my husband’s mom whom he loves dearly, who birthed him and cared for him and wiped his snot and vomit and then tried to do her best to get him into the right school (right or wrong), maybe agonized over it (which is maybe why she brings it up, you haven’t gotten to schooling decisions yet but they can be agonizing). Who now loves her grandkids and misses those days she can never get back with her own kids, who is a bit socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing. And maybe is feeling anxious herself! And this woman is now my FAMILY and I’m going to love her and accept her for the silly and sometimes inappropriate person she is.

I really do wonder if she also has some anxiety? Maybe both your anxiety is kind of knocking into each other. Could you maybe spend some 1:1 time? I wonder if she’s trying to connect but just missing the mark. But building a solid relationship with her is a place to start. Ask her advice on some things, involve her. I do this with my MIL all the time - tell her about preschool options I was considering for example. It makes her feel involved and a part of things. And I do genuinely appreciate her insight.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are triggered by your MIL and she is triggered by you. She is unhappy in her life and is obsessed with financial standing. (Sounds like you, too.)

You have to zone her out, and maybe by you not saying things to her she will also be able to stop saying things.

When she says something that makes you want to respond, just don't. If she shows up, great. If not, whatever. But her in a box in your mind that no matter what she says it isn't about you, it's about her.

Also, I love a PP's suggestion about the bingo game. I love that!

[Anonymous]

Op, she sounds kooky but totally harmless. Reading your post I was cracking up, it sounds like a sit com. I think you are sleep deprived and your patience is thin, and I think it’s one of those things that when you decide someone is annoying, anything they say or do comes off annoying. Laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

I spent the first 5-6 years of my relationship with my now - husband (we've been together for about 9 years now, married for 4) trying to build a relationship with her. She is extremely socially awkward and - I know I have anxiety but I am very outgoing and have lots of friends (I REALLY don't mean that to sound jerky) and am good at relationship-building, but she treats our 1:1 time as if she's in a therapy session. Digging deep about past relationships, asking me questions about what led me to end up with DH, nothing normal like "how was your day?" She probes about my job and saying "I don't know how you do it... do just like feeling intense... all the time? Some people just like feeling tense and stressed. Is that you? Is that why you chose this? How do you relax?" Just things like that. When I try and change the subject to lighter items, she stares deeply at me, as if I'm truly in a therapy session, and I find it extremely disconcerting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Honestly you just have to say - this is my husband’s mom whom he loves dearly, who birthed him and cared for him and wiped his snot and vomit and then tried to do her best to get him into the right school (right or wrong), maybe agonized over it (which is maybe why she brings it up, you haven’t gotten to schooling decisions yet but they can be agonizing). Who now loves her grandkids and misses those days she can never get back with her own kids, who is a bit socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing. And maybe is feeling anxious herself! And this woman is now my FAMILY and I’m going to love her and accept her for the silly and sometimes inappropriate person she is.

I really do wonder if she also has some anxiety? Maybe both your anxiety is kind of knocking into each other. Could you maybe spend some 1:1 time? I wonder if she’s trying to connect but just missing the mark. But building a solid relationship with her is a place to start. Ask her advice on some things, involve her. I do this with my MIL all the time - tell her about preschool options I was considering for example. It makes her feel involved and a part of things. And I do genuinely appreciate her insight.