Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

My mother is like this and it is absolutely annoying. Anyone who has experienced enough of it would be at their wits end. My mother did not grow up wealthy either, but married well. She rubs it in my face a lot and acts like we are poor. We do fine. We save and we invest and are in great shape, but to her we are the poors.She is obsessed with other people's financial situations and gets herself in a tizzy if their kids go to private school and she thinks they can't afford it. She also lives for gossip and acting superior.

I have blocked her for a while before. Especially during stressful times I just don't have the mental bandwidth. She is hypersensitive too, but can be critical of others. Her friends have faded off. I would do a slow fade so she doesn't even realize you are fading and find a more comfortable amount of communication.If she complains just say work is busy.

Many of us go to therapy to figure out how to work around people who desperately need therapy, but don't go!

[Anonymous]

I think you can let it irritate you, or you can just embrace how absolutely comical and over the top she is and laugh about it. Do you have a close friend or two you could share these stories with? A friend of mine has a loon for a MIL and she will text me these ridiculous stories about her and we just laugh. Think of it as comedic relief. I mean what the hell is “Golden Leaves, Golden Memories” supposed to mean?

[Anonymous]

You mentioned she worked as a therapist.
I know a few therapists and they are all whacko.
I’m sure there are many normal ones out there but something about therapy seems to attract people who are a bit off themselves

[Anonymous]

My mom dealt with my rude, condescending grandmother (her MIL) who made outlandish comments by just thinking of her as she would an out of line toddler that says crazy things. She told me once she took that mindset it helped a lot and she ended up doing a lot of ignoring/deflecting . “Okay Larla, if you say so. Anyway, I have to go stir the peas now.” “Yes, I heard you last time you mentioned that. Oh I forgot to water my plants, better go do that now.” Dumb examples, but you get the idea.

[Anonymous]

So, I know this is weird, but in reading the comment about the MIL being a former therapist and her asking weird deep questions, I think I'm a bit like this. Not deep personal questions, but I'm not that at ease when talking to people who I'm not close to. So I ask questions and try to seem interested in their lives on their terms, or what I think is their terms. I just don't know how else to talk to them.

I was in a setting last week where one woman was just so easy talking about this and that and whatever, so at ease, and when I spoke, trying to engage, I just sounded like a whack job. I am insightful enough to know I sounded like a nut, made a joke about it and everyone laughed in relief!, but when I launched into it I really didn't realize it would be weird.

I think mostly people aren't insightful enough to understand that they sound weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

NP here, and I largely agree with this except there are things your MIL does that are objectively rude. Saying you just wouldn't understand the DC private school dynamic is rude, even if it's true. My husband attended one of those schools and no one in his family has ever said one word about my public school education and degree from a public university. Even so, I'd let the school thing slide because it's dumb, and honestly, she didn't seem to understand the dynamic either if she didn't make any friends among the parents there.

I think you have to own that your sensitivity around the financial stuff is your sensitivity, but it's also ok to let someone know when they've crossed a boundary. Saying, "what an odd thing to ask/say" usually gets the point across. She's obviously commenting on how she didn't have to work because she's super insecure about it, so just put it in that context.

If the flaky scheduling piece either starts or amps up your irritability, then I'd do as another poster suggested and invite her when it works for you, and not the other way around. I suspect your husband is wishy-washy on this and leaves you with the fallout (just my hunch) so you may need to tell him what you need first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

What a crock. My husband is awesome. All but one of his siblings are awesome. His mother is an absolute train wreck and was a terrible, selfish mother. They’re the good people they are because of nature over nurture and because they had a good dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you can let it irritate you, or you can just embrace how absolutely comical and over the top she is and laugh about it. Do you have a close friend or two you could share these stories with? A friend of mine has a loon for a MIL and she will text me these ridiculous stories about her and we just laugh. Think of it as comedic relief. I mean what the hell is “Golden Leaves, Golden Memories” supposed to mean?

For real. Reading that in the OP made me throw up in my mouth a little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Most of this is about you and your own insecurities. What happens when your son marries an annoying woman? Cycle will continue. Keep up with therapy. Respond to her texts with a thumbs up or heart. Let your husband deal with all planning.

I disagree with this. I have a friend who makes frequent comments about my family’s financial state. All sorts of extreme assumptions about how we don’t have any money. What’s weird is that we are fairly well off and I will inherit millions from my parents. The comments were fine for a while but then it started to really bother me. It’s extremely strange that this friend is so hung up on my family and how much she thinks we don’t have. Some of the comments she has made are plain rude but overtime it has started to come across to me as more bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, I can commiserate. Different issues but my in town MIL is also extremely annoying to me and an outsider may find me to be impatient or whatever because a lot of the comments she makes and things she does are just silly or weird, but over time it is truly grating.
I am semi convinced that my MIL has early onset dementia and I know she isn't the brightest so I just try to think about it like that. I smile and barely listen to the nonsense she says instead of getting offended. My husband has told me he basically does the same, so I don't feel bad at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its not about you. None of it is. She is bored and insecure and probably alienated people and has noone to talk to. Stop taking comments personally and atop sharing financial info. Talk to your DH about walking away and not leaving you alone with her so much. Could be your DHs childhood was the only time she felt valued and in the right place so shes super nostalgic about jt in an unhealthy way.

I disagree. All of it is. Every single thing in that long post was about OP -- except not showing up when schedules. How did that get lost in all that other trivial? You don't like her. That doesn't make what she's doing wrong (except for her not showing up when you've scheduled her to be there.) It just means you don't like her and you're not a very charitable person. I hope your MIL wises up and stops sharing her feelings with you. That's her only crime -- thinking you give a shit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its not about you. None of it is. She is bored and insecure and probably alienated people and has noone to talk to. Stop taking comments personally and atop sharing financial info. Talk to your DH about walking away and not leaving you alone with her so much. Could be your DHs childhood was the only time she felt valued and in the right place so shes super nostalgic about jt in an unhealthy way.

I disagree. All of it is. Every single thing in that long post was about OP -- except not showing up when schedules. How did that get lost in all that other trivial? You don't like her. That doesn't make what she's doing wrong (except for her not showing up when you've scheduled her to be there.) It just means you don't like her and you're not a very charitable person. I hope your MIL wises up and stops sharing her feelings with you. That's her only crime -- thinking you give a shit.

Sorry for the typos....

[Anonymous]

She sounds terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.