Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

Let DH handle. Ok her bocks. Do not rely on Her for child care. Or any thing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, she sounds kooky but totally harmless. Reading your post I was cracking up, it sounds like a sit com. I think you are sleep deprived and your patience is thin, and I think it’s one of those things that when you decide someone is annoying, anything they say or do comes off annoying. Laugh it off.

OP here. Hahaha thanks, this honestly helps to hear. I think between my job + husband's job + life + pandemic baby, I feel like I'm just like "I don't have time for this!!!" but then over time my patience has thinned, exactly, and I haven't fully resolved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I spent the first 5-6 years of my relationship with my now - husband (we've been together for about 9 years now, married for 4) trying to build a relationship with her. She is extremely socially awkward and - I know I have anxiety but I am very outgoing and have lots of friends (I REALLY don't mean that to sound jerky) and am good at relationship-building, but she treats our 1:1 time as if she's in a therapy session. Digging deep about past relationships, asking me questions about what led me to end up with DH, nothing normal like "how was your day?" She probes about my job and saying "I don't know how you do it... do just like feeling intense... all the time? Some people just like feeling tense and stressed. Is that you? Is that why you chose this? How do you relax?" Just things like that. When I try and change the subject to lighter items, she stares deeply at me, as if I'm truly in a therapy session, and I find it extremely disconcerting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Honestly you just have to say - this is my husband’s mom whom he loves dearly, who birthed him and cared for him and wiped his snot and vomit and then tried to do her best to get him into the right school (right or wrong), maybe agonized over it (which is maybe why she brings it up, you haven’t gotten to schooling decisions yet but they can be agonizing). Who now loves her grandkids and misses those days she can never get back with her own kids, who is a bit socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing. And maybe is feeling anxious herself! And this woman is now my FAMILY and I’m going to love her and accept her for the silly and sometimes inappropriate person she is.

I really do wonder if she also has some anxiety? Maybe both your anxiety is kind of knocking into each other. Could you maybe spend some 1:1 time? I wonder if she’s trying to connect but just missing the mark. But building a solid relationship with her is a place to start. Ask her advice on some things, involve her. I do this with my MIL all the time - tell her about preschool options I was considering for example. It makes her feel involved and a part of things. And I do genuinely appreciate her insight.

ok op, I'm the pp and I agree with the pp she does sound very kooky!! What does your dh say? Does he connect with her or do they have a strained relationship?

[Anonymous]

My DH is a very polite son, but they are not close. He does not open up to her about anything and she has told me she relies solely on me for information about our lives because DH never tells her anything. I think he has spent a lot of his life trying to figure out how to best "manage" her. However, I have had to drop the rock because I have parents/family of my own. He cares enough to care that she gets time with DS and makes plans maybe once a month or so for dinner, but he recognizes how planning things goes with them, and he definitely keeps a distance, although he is not rude. He is not the type that I can joke about her behavior with, either.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent the first 5-6 years of my relationship with my now - husband (we've been together for about 9 years now, married for 4) trying to build a relationship with her. She is extremely socially awkward and - I know I have anxiety but I am very outgoing and have lots of friends (I REALLY don't mean that to sound jerky) and am good at relationship-building, but she treats our 1:1 time as if she's in a therapy session. Digging deep about past relationships, asking me questions about what led me to end up with DH, nothing normal like "how was your day?" She probes about my job and saying "I don't know how you do it... do just like feeling intense... all the time? Some people just like feeling tense and stressed. Is that you? Is that why you chose this? How do you relax?" Just things like that. When I try and change the subject to lighter items, she stares deeply at me, as if I'm truly in a therapy session, and I find it extremely disconcerting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Honestly you just have to say - this is my husband’s mom whom he loves dearly, who birthed him and cared for him and wiped his snot and vomit and then tried to do her best to get him into the right school (right or wrong), maybe agonized over it (which is maybe why she brings it up, you haven’t gotten to schooling decisions yet but they can be agonizing). Who now loves her grandkids and misses those days she can never get back with her own kids, who is a bit socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing. And maybe is feeling anxious herself! And this woman is now my FAMILY and I’m going to love her and accept her for the silly and sometimes inappropriate person she is.

I really do wonder if she also has some anxiety? Maybe both your anxiety is kind of knocking into each other. Could you maybe spend some 1:1 time? I wonder if she’s trying to connect but just missing the mark. But building a solid relationship with her is a place to start. Ask her advice on some things, involve her. I do this with my MIL all the time - tell her about preschool options I was considering for example. It makes her feel involved and a part of things. And I do genuinely appreciate her insight.

ok op, I'm the pp and I agree with the pp she does sound very kooky!! What does your dh say? Does he connect with her or do they have a strained relationship?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I spent the first 5-6 years of my relationship with my now - husband (we've been together for about 9 years now, married for 4) trying to build a relationship with her. She is extremely socially awkward and - I know I have anxiety but I am very outgoing and have lots of friends (I REALLY don't mean that to sound jerky) and am good at relationship-building, but she treats our 1:1 time as if she's in a therapy session. Digging deep about past relationships, asking me questions about what led me to end up with DH, nothing normal like "how was your day?" She probes about my job and saying "I don't know how you do it... do just like feeling intense... all the time? Some people just like feeling tense and stressed. Is that you? Is that why you chose this? How do you relax?" Just things like that. When I try and change the subject to lighter items, she stares deeply at me, as if I'm truly in a therapy session, and I find it extremely disconcerting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am extremely open to this, but trying to figure out how to dig my way out of it, and wondering if anyone else has ever had this sort of experience - frequent exposure to someone you're trying to work through your own issues with...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Op I’m sorry to say because I know this might hurt to hear but this seems way more about you than her. Like you said you have some big hang ups about money and while I don’t think her questions about your parents finances are appropriate you have got to just let go of her idiosyncrasies and try to love her as your mil. She’s not mean hearted or cruel, so you’ve got to figure out how to see her as your family and not an inconvenience so that her idiosyncrasies seem funny instead of so grating. It sounds like you are taking small comments she likely doesn’t mean in any sort of way, wayyyy too personally and then doubling down on that.

Honestly you just have to say - this is my husband’s mom whom he loves dearly, who birthed him and cared for him and wiped his snot and vomit and then tried to do her best to get him into the right school (right or wrong), maybe agonized over it (which is maybe why she brings it up, you haven’t gotten to schooling decisions yet but they can be agonizing). Who now loves her grandkids and misses those days she can never get back with her own kids, who is a bit socially awkward and doesn’t always say the right thing. And maybe is feeling anxious herself! And this woman is now my FAMILY and I’m going to love her and accept her for the silly and sometimes inappropriate person she is.

I really do wonder if she also has some anxiety? Maybe both your anxiety is kind of knocking into each other. Could you maybe spend some 1:1 time? I wonder if she’s trying to connect but just missing the mark. But building a solid relationship with her is a place to start. Ask her advice on some things, involve her. I do this with my MIL all the time - tell her about preschool options I was considering for example. It makes her feel involved and a part of things. And I do genuinely appreciate her insight.

ok op, I'm the pp and I agree with the pp she does sound very kooky!! What does your dh say? Does he connect with her or do they have a strained relationship?

OP here. Apologies, this is going to be a double post. My DH is a very polite son, but they are not close. He does not open up to her about anything and she has told me she relies solely on me for information about our lives because DH never tells her anything. I think he has spent a lot of his life trying to figure out how to best "manage" her. However, I have had to drop the rock because I have parents/family of my own. He cares enough to care that she gets time with DS and makes plans maybe once a month or so for dinner, but he recognizes how planning things goes with them, and he definitely keeps a distance, although he is not rude. He is not the type that I can joke about her behavior with, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the problem is not your MIL, sorry. Keep working on it in therapy because she might be mildly annoying or offensive but nothing to be upset about.

+1

Agreed. Good luck, OP; your examples sound pretty innocuous, so hopefully you can get to a better place. Life’s too short to be so annoyed about so little.

[Anonymous]

Leave this to your DH. Your DH sets up the logistics re: when to see MIL. As others have said - do not use her for childcare - then you owe her.

Re: family gatherings ... always have an individual escape plan. Drive yourself. Think about it ahead of time, how much time you are going to/need to spend there. Drive yourself home ... because there is that "other thing" .. you need to do.
This is not something to debate/discuss with your husband. Let him know what your availability is, and act on it. No drama

[Anonymous]

Start treating your MIL like your hsuband does. Barely listen to her and tell her nothing. Find ways to leave the room or the house. Let your husband handle her.

I will say you seem to have very bizarre hang ups about money. You keep going on and on about how poor your town was, but that your parents were middle class professionals. I think it is totally odd that you don’t just identify as middle class. Who on earth cares what your town was like? And lots of people put themselves through college and now make more than their parents. It is getting harder to do, but lots of millennials did it. There is nothing to be hung up on about putting yourself through school, working hard and now making great money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Start treating your MIL like your hsuband does. Barely listen to her and tell her nothing. Find ways to leave the room or the house. Let your husband handle her.

I will say you seem to have very bizarre hang ups about money. You keep going on and on about how poor your town was, but that your parents were middle class professionals. I think it is totally odd that you don’t just identify as middle class. Who on earth cares what your town was like? And lots of people put themselves through college and now make more than their parents. It is getting harder to do, but lots of millennials did it. There is nothing to be hung up on about putting yourself through school, working hard and now making great money.

Ugh. I meant lots of Gen X did it but it is harder for millennials. That said, it isn’t something to be hung up on.

[Anonymous]

This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

[Anonymous]

This is the woman who raised your husband and who did an awesome job at it. You know this because you married him. You need to realize that your dislike of her comes from your own feeling of inferiority and concern that you won't be able to live up to the high standard she set. Keep working on this in therapy. And try to find the good in her. Every time a hateful thought about her comes into your head, tell yourself that your husband is the wonderful man he is because of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP the problem is not your MIL, sorry. Keep working on it in therapy because she might be mildly annoying or offensive but nothing to be upset about.

+1

Agreed. Good luck, OP; your examples sound pretty innocuous, so hopefully you can get to a better place. Life’s too short to be so annoyed about so little.

x1000

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the PPs that she is harmless. She would drive me batty too. Her own son can’t stand her and has to “manage” her. What I think OP is reacting to is this woman’s lack of boundaries and veiled criticism (“you wouldn’t understand anything about a fancy private school environment” or whatever the example was or implying OP needs an intense job). Gray rocking her and limiting interactions is the only way to survive time with her. You have my sympathies, OP. Please don’t rely on her for any sort of childcare. She’ll find a way to use that against you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP the problem is not your MIL, sorry. Keep working on it in therapy because she might be mildly annoying or offensive but nothing to be upset about.

Totally agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.

When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?"

No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks."

OP here. This is what I do. I don't get into it, since it seems catty to respond. She actually asked point-blank a few years ago (right after it happened) how much my parents were going to inherit from my grandmother and my husband reprimanded her immediately, but she kept asking, and she had made so many comments about my parents' finances I told her it was a significant amount (no value), and yet she still makes these comments.

I am a little bit defensive in general about finances. My dad created a separate life from his wealthy family long ago, since he didn't want to be a cog in the family business and do the whole corporate life. I grew up with very humble means in, like I said, a VERY low-income but beautiful town. I have worked for everything I have, even paid for college myself, and while my husband comes from wealth he has not accepted anything from his family and is stubborn to a fault about it. I used to hold a significant amount of anxiety about finances. We knew my grandmother was wealthy, but I had no idea to what scale. Hearing my MIL make all these comments about DH and his sister attending a very wealthy, exclusive private school in DC and "how you just wouldn't necessarily understand the dynamic" just makes me really upset. She acts like I pulled myself up from my bootstraps. My parents both worked professional, middle class jobs. As someone who until the last few years didn't realize how much wealth we'd be coming into, and I'm not quite sure my parents did either, I feel like I still have a huge chip on my shoulder.

Most of this is about you and your own insecurities. What happens when your son marries an annoying woman? Cycle will continue. Keep up with therapy. Respond to her texts with a thumbs up or heart. Let your husband deal with all planning.