Can't stand MIL - need advice
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Anonymous
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I'm in therapy for anxiety (not related to this, although this has been a recent focus). I just feel so angry and irritated with my MIL sometimes that sometimes I block her number just to not see her messages come through.
I grew up in a low income town, and we were fairly middle class. My MIL ironically also grew up poor, married rich, and they live a lavish lifestyle. Last-minute trips, constant talk about how she doesn't have to work, because they're wealthy enough, she just "likes to," yet she didn't work when my husband was younger because she didn't "want to," tells DH and I that our jobs are too demanding, and used to send us links to jobs paying $40K a year (I currently make $300K, DH makes about $250K and we support ourselves 100%). My parents had a tree fall on their house a few weeks ago and her first comment was, "Wow that must cost them a lot, I know that's expensive... how are they doing financially?" and just seems to make constant comments about money. Unrelated but my parents recently inherited a few million dollars (seriously) from my grandmother who passed away, and she still makes comments about my family "living on a shoestring" which I simply find offensive. This was over 2 years ago now, so obviously not worth saying anything now. I just hang onto her comments and can't let them go. She has lived here in DC her entire life (grew up here), has no close friends (which I think is bizarre), and constantly waxes nostalgic about how when my DH and their daughter were babies, that was the time of her life.... still gives DH gifts related to his 6 year old birthday theme (seriously, we get something dragon-related for every. single. occasion). She goes to the park where they played and said she just spends hours thinking about when they were children and "smiling to herself." Since she's a therapist she also really likes to talk about her emotions, to which, DH and his father will just leave the room and walk away, so I know others get irritated with it as well. She's a big dreamer and she talks about buying a house in my hometown just because she "finds rural areas so authentic and quaint." She's just totally aloof and I find her behavior laughable, yet angering and patronizing. Since my DS was born a couple of years ago, she has ramped up the nostalgic comments and I just find them totally grating to the point where I simmer on things days and weeks later. Add in that she lives such a whimsical, care-free life, she can't commit to being available at specific times to watch DS, and without fail, there is ALWAYS some sort of scheduling confusion, even if it's checking in (literally) 7 times to confirm the time, and then showing up an hour late. It's ridiculous, but I just hang onto these comments she makes and it makes me furious. This weekend, she was talking about getting a dog, just because my 2 year old says the word "dog" a million times. Will they ever get a dog? Absolutely not. She then must have said "Golden leaves, golden memories" about 5 times as she smiled and wiped her eyes, looking at our son. Her over the top cheesey/whimsical behavior is just so obnoxious, and I've totally inflated it in my head, that I stay angry about it. I am working on this in therapy, but has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this where ILs live locally? DH also works long hours so we don't see them very often, but she texts constantly, to the point I've blocked her number just so I don't have to see more stupid cheesey phrases and emoji hearts. I would love to hear how others have either gotten their anger/annoyance "down" and moved forward. It's just been a total fever pitch for the last couple years since having a child, although I always found her irritating. I now dread family holidays and actively think of ways to not see them. |
Anonymous
| Its not about you. None of it is. She is bored and insecure and probably alienated people and has noone to talk to. Stop taking comments personally and atop sharing financial info. Talk to your DH about walking away and not leaving you alone with her so much. Could be your DHs childhood was the only time she felt valued and in the right place so shes super nostalgic about jt in an unhealthy way. |
Anonymous
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You are filthy rich, get a nanny so you aren't reliant on grandma.
Ignore her. Set her number to silent or "DND" forever so you don't get notifications for her. Drum up some stock phrases to respond to her like "interesting" or "huh" or "ok" or "sounds great/wild/strange" and then just move on doing whatever else you need to do. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thank you to you and last the poster. I have been practicing stock phrases but I think I just get irritated (and THIS is what I need to practice in my own mind) of not getting INTENSELY irritated. My goal is to try meditating, going to a pleasant place in my mind, using these phrases, and trying to remind myself that it's not about me, and that she's the odd one. I think what started as an irritation has became a fixation and I obviously can't just avoid them forever, I need to train myself to care less. |
Anonymous
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She sounds socially awkward and clueless, which might explain the lack of friends, but she does not sound unfeeling, quite the opposite. Obviously she has your parents' wellbeing in mind, and yours as well. I don't really understand what's offensive to you. I would just tune her out. Perhaps she has some form of ADHD (inability to schedule) and Asperger's (socio-communication issues). ADHD/ASD runs in my husband's family. A lot of them are quirky. It's alright. Let her be weird and quirky, OP. |
Anonymous
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She is a wackadoo. When DH and I are around annoying people like that (his cousins, for example) we come up with a bingo board. Say "golden leaves, golden memories." Talk about getting a dog. Confirm the dinner reservation. Talk about getting a house in the country. Whatever.
Then you will get happy each time you hear her say one of the things that previously annoyed you because you're closer to winning. Also, stop asking her to watch your son. Ever. Instead say "I'm taking Jayden to Glomp Park this Sunday at 10am if you'd like to join us. We'll be leaving at 11:30. Hope to see you there." Then get there at 10 and leave at 11:30 like you said. She either shows or doesn't. Stick to your schedule. |
Anonymous
| OP again. We also use daycare, and I don't ever rely on her, but of course she wants to see her grandchild, so we try and find times for her to see him, and that's the result. I also "dropped the rope" and DH manages her, so this isn't as much an active issue, but an irritation nonetheless because she's extremely needy and wants more and more time. |
Anonymous
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Also, if you find yourself IRRITATED in capital letters, please get your thyroid checked with bloodwork. You might be hyperthyroid. Symptoms are: irritability, anxiety, hair loss, possible weight loss. |
Anonymous
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Very, very different circumstances but I used to get irritated by my in-town SIL. Like you, I knew deep down that I was perhaps being irrational. None of my SILs actions were mean spirited, but she was flaky and would do (or, more likely, NOT DO) or say things that tweaked me. It took me a while, but finally I had to realize that she was just unhappy and it had absolutely nothing to do with me. Thankfully, she is doing really great now and I think that has made a difference in her follow through. Just remind yourself that it has nothing to do with you -- but you also dont have to respond to sappy text messages unless they are directly asking you a question. I'd also take more "breaks" while you move through it. If your DH wants to bring your child over to their house, use the opportunity to make plans with an old friend. Don't completely avoid, but I think it is fine to skip a few gatherings if you're seeing them several times a month.
I am not a therapist but it sounds like your MIL might be a little lost. She is romanticizing the times when your DH was a child and maybe she's envious that you're getting to enjoy that time now. She may be someone who needs to be "needed" in the way a little kid needs their parents. |
Anonymous
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If she mentions your finances or your parents’ finances, just look her straight in the eye and say, “That is none of your business, and I am surprised you don’t know that asking or speculating about other people’s finances is rude.” Stand your ground on that one.
Other than that, “Mmm hmm,” “Uh huh,” “OK,” or one of my favorites: “Yeahhhhh, you mentioned that.” Gray rock. |
Anonymous
You don't need to understand. Especially since this is likely only a fraction of a fraction of the examples. |
Anonymous
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"Oh we have care arranged already." Or say you have plans already. Or explain you were worried she would not remember or mistake the time again.
When she makes low income comments about your parents, "Have you forgotten they are millionaires?" |
Anonymous
| Gray rock. |
Anonymous
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You are extremely defensive about your finances and your family’s money. Maybe thinking about why it’s such a sensitive topic for you would help? Is it your childhood?
Her comments are silly but would they grate on someone else, or even on you if they were coming from someone else? |
Anonymous
No to the bolded - that's a gross thing to say. Don't sink to her level. Just say "They're doing just fine, thanks." |