Can't stand MIL - need advice

[Anonymous]

I would step back for sure

[Anonymous]

“You know what, Betty? My parents have millions. Literally millions. And Ted and I are making really good money. I’m concerned about you, because you seem so hung up on money. You’re always asking about it and talking about it, even though it’s none of your business. I’m starting to think you’re so focused on it because you don’t have enough. Were you planning to ask my parents for a loan?”

One and done.

[Anonymous]

I call troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you really are deluding yourself if you think your husband and most of his siblings turned out to be "awesome" in spite of their mother being a horrible person and parent even though she was the primary caregiver during their childhood.

Does your husband also think he only turned out great due to his dad and that his mother was and is terrible?

OP here. That post actually wasn't me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

OP here. What is annoying to me is the above "her worries about your parents finances." Why does she have any thoughts on my parents' finances, period? It's not like my husband and I are reliant on anyone else. My parents' situation is my parents' situation. Certainly I'm not worried about them. What interest of hers is it? Even if I haven't "corrected" her that my parents are now multi-millionaires, why does it matter? People who are so shallow that they need to know someone else's (particularly people she doesn't know very well) financial situation are busybodies, and quite frankly, insecure. Would it make her feel better about herself if my parents were poor? It doesn't affect my life now. We have a $2M home, that we've worked and paid for ourselves. I guess I just don't understand why it matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I call troll.

OP here. Not a troll, ha, but thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“You know what, Betty? My parents have millions. Literally millions. And Ted and I are making really good money. I’m concerned about you, because you seem so hung up on money. You’re always asking about it and talking about it, even though it’s none of your business. I’m starting to think you’re so focused on it because you don’t have enough. Were you planning to ask my parents for a loan?”

One and done.

OP here. I'd KILL to say this. But I seriously can't bring myself to mention the fact that my parents have so much, ever again, since it seems gauche. But man I'd love to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“You know what, Betty? My parents have millions. Literally millions. And Ted and I are making really good money. I’m concerned about you, because you seem so hung up on money. You’re always asking about it and talking about it, even though it’s none of your business. I’m starting to think you’re so focused on it because you don’t have enough. Were you planning to ask my parents for a loan?”

One and done.

OP here. I'd KILL to say this. But I seriously can't bring myself to mention the fact that my parents have so much, ever again, since it seems gauche. But man I'd love to.

Even if you say this it will likely go over her head and not change anything materially.

I’m the PP with a friend who has made extreme assumptions about my lack of familial wealth when I in fact will inherit millions. I eventually said something like the above and disclosed that I will inherit millions. It hasn’t changed a thing. This friend is simply unable to understand that I am not poor. They are bad at managing money and have their own issues. It’s not about me. You have to learn to tune it out and laugh it off.

[Anonymous]

OP, is your MIL from some place like NYC or LA? Sometimes people from these sorts of locations are extremely provincial. They truly can’t believe or understand that there are well to do people in other states. I’m from a southern state and married to someone from NYC. His family always assumes mine is lower income even though I’ve never said anything that should make them think this. They simply aren’t able to comprehend that someone from my state could be wealthy. It’s comical because my family has a lot more money than my in-laws. However they aren’t flashy with money and don’t go to great lengths to make sure people know they are wealthy. My in-laws are very in your face about being successful.

[Anonymous]

I don't know about you OP, but I think my difficulty in being totally zen about my MIL is my secret fear that my husband will wind up like her because maybe it's in his genes. I also find it difficult to try to keep my heart open to her when she's such a wackadoodle. It's gotten to the point where my tweens tell me how weird and annoying she is, and I have some niggling guilt that maybe they are picking up on how I feel about her (though really, I think it's just obvious to anyone that she's a wackadoodle, and she puts a lot of that energy into her grandkids so it makes sense they would see it). She's becoming distraught that our kids are entering their teens without her fundamentalist beliefs and that's causing tension as well. She tries to indoctrinate them on the sly but they just relate everything to me and say, "Nonna said X, Y, Z but I don't believe that."

I think I also recognize that I LOVE being a mother and that it will be hard for me when my kids become older too. I have daughters and so I think society expects more of a closeness into adulthood than if I had sons. So maybe I see my MIL as some technicolor version of what I fear I'll become. I don't know. I'm probably overthinking it, lol. It's a situation that will annoy you forever, probably. There's some freedom in just accepting that. Know that your kids will see her for who she is. Try to give her as much respect and love as you can without sacrificing your well being. Smile and nod. Say, "Hmmm, I don't know" whenever she tries to conduct therapy with you. If all else fails, ask her about her favorite subject . . . herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

OP here. What is annoying to me is the above "her worries about your parents finances." Why does she have any thoughts on my parents' finances, period? It's not like my husband and I are reliant on anyone else. My parents' situation is my parents' situation. Certainly I'm not worried about them. What interest of hers is it? Even if I haven't "corrected" her that my parents are now multi-millionaires, why does it matter? People who are so shallow that they need to know someone else's (particularly people she doesn't know very well) financial situation are busybodies, and quite frankly, insecure. Would it make her feel better about herself if my parents were poor? It doesn't affect my life now. We have a $2M home, that we've worked and paid for ourselves. I guess I just don't understand why it matters.

Same poster and I 100% agree this is totally annoying. But I also think you are putting too much stock into this. Just laugh at this woman and limit contact. You are giving her too much power.

[Anonymous]

Laughter (inner of course) is really the best antidote. Laugh it off as the antics of a quirky person and don’t spend as much time with her if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We also use daycare, and I don't ever rely on her, but of course she wants to see her grandchild, so we try and find times for her to see him, and that's the result. I also "dropped the rope" and DH manages her, so this isn't as much an active issue, but an irritation nonetheless because she's extremely needy and wants more and more time.

Make a game out of her comments. Literally, someone suggested this years ago to me on DCUM when I complained about my MIL. She wasn't toxic, but she had a habit of making comments that drove me CRAZY, but were overall sort of minor. So then I started to try to guess ahead of time what her comments would be. So: 1) she will comment on someone's haircut and how it looks terrible 2) she will make a comment about food she doesn't like 3) she will complain we are "late" even when we are the first ones there 4) she will defend her small, yet aggressive, dog's behavior etc etc etc.

It helped me stop getting so worked out about the sh*t I couldn't change. She still is a difficult person, but when she says a comment I've anticipated, I almost feel happy about it. Mainly because it shows I've got her pegged pretty well! It turns out when I stopped caring so much, she got less annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. We also use daycare, and I don't ever rely on her, but of course she wants to see her grandchild, so we try and find times for her to see him, and that's the result. I also "dropped the rope" and DH manages her, so this isn't as much an active issue, but an irritation nonetheless because she's extremely needy and wants more and more time.

When you set up a time for her to see ds, allow one change. Then say something like "we can't accommodate these changes. We'll try for something next week." And then ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is some weird rags to riches story. You grew up MC had a wealthy grandmother and now you're rich and you're put out that MIL doesn't know you and yours are rich, rich, rich! So insecure about money for someone who supposedly has so much.

That’s a little unfair. I think OP was providing that info so we could see how the financial comments don’t make sense.

But MIL probably isn't aware of the change in circumstances.

OP here. No prob if you missed this, there are a lot of posts, but she asked right after my grandmother died how much we’d be inheriting. I thought it was an inappropriate question, so I didn’t answer, and she kept asking and I finally said “it’s a significant amount,” and my husband was mortified and reprimanded her for pushing it since it was right after i’d gotten home from the funeral, and sort of bizarre. So she was aware, but obviously had forgotten.

You really have to get past this money thing. It must be causing you grief beyond your MIL given your intense focus on it.

But really, if all you told her was “a significant amount” — she might assume $100k and not millions. Especially if you are always acting to insecure about being from such A POOR TOWN. Some of her worries about your parent's finances might be because of your hang ups.

But really, she is annoying but not terrible. You have to find a way not to let her get to you.

OP here. What is annoying to me is the above "her worries about your parents finances." Why does she have any thoughts on my parents' finances, period? It's not like my husband and I are reliant on anyone else. My parents' situation is my parents' situation. Certainly I'm not worried about them. What interest of hers is it? Even if I haven't "corrected" her that my parents are now multi-millionaires, why does it matter? People who are so shallow that they need to know someone else's (particularly people she doesn't know very well) financial situation are busybodies, and quite frankly, insecure. Would it make her feel better about herself if my parents were poor? It doesn't affect my life now. We have a $2M home, that we've worked and paid for ourselves. I guess I just don't understand why it matters.

She sounds insufferable and clueless but not worth stewing over. What would life be like if it had no characters in it?