Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

We get it, but it isn't the child's fault, so why should he suffer for her issues with her sister?

[Anonymous]

One of of my boys is fit and athletic and the other is a book worm who is not into sports and is on the chubby side. I guess it’s time to find “government programs” for my chubby kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

We get it, but it isn't the child's fault, so why should he suffer for her issues with her sister?

First, he already has suffered because of his mother’s issues.

Second, working out a suitable home for him shouldn’t fall entirely on the OP. It’s interesting that no one’s jumping on the grandparents or uncle in this case. Again, why can’t the uncle get a new job with less travel? Why can’t the grandparents be the official legal guardians, but with substantial help from the uncle and OP? What the OP is reacting to is her dysfunctional family deciding for her that this child’s future is *entirely* in her hands, so that they can walk away.

Many of you are trying to make this an all or nothing issue, when it’s anything but.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

We get it, but it isn't the child's fault, so why should he suffer for her issues with her sister?

First, he already has suffered because of his mother’s issues.

Second, working out a suitable home for him shouldn’t fall entirely on the OP. It’s interesting that no one’s jumping on the grandparents or uncle in this case. Again, why can’t the uncle get a new job with less travel? Why can’t the grandparents be the official legal guardians, but with substantial help from the uncle and OP? What the OP is reacting to is her dysfunctional family deciding for her that this child’s future is *entirely* in her hands, so that they can walk away.

Many of you are trying to make this an all or nothing issue, when it’s anything but.

OP hasn't fully answered those questions, so presumably, they have been answered in a way that brings OP to the situation where it is now up to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not a troll, then you are one crappy person. Your 15 year old nephew is stuck in a situation that he didn’t create, needs a stable home, and your first concern is that he’s overweight.

Advice: Grow up and be a decent human being. Take your nephew in with an open heart and open arms.

+ 1. You seem heartless and shallow. I would have thought he could have been a nice friend for your son, given same age. My own brother is biplolar/schizoaffective. I would and have done everything for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

We get it, but it isn't the child's fault, so why should he suffer for her issues with her sister?

First, he already has suffered because of his mother’s issues.

Second, working out a suitable home for him shouldn’t fall entirely on the OP. It’s interesting that no one’s jumping on the grandparents or uncle in this case. Again, why can’t the uncle get a new job with less travel? Why can’t the grandparents be the official legal guardians, but with substantial help from the uncle and OP? What the OP is reacting to is her dysfunctional family deciding for her that this child’s future is *entirely* in her hands, so that they can walk away.

Many of you are trying to make this an all or nothing issue, when it’s anything but.

That kid needs a stable home. Old people raising a teenager probably isn’t it. Brother that travels probably isn’t it. Foster care definitely isn’t it. OP probably isn’t it but it sounds like her husband and kids could be it.

Next option: skid row

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the kid will be better off with elderly family. I have a problematic family, and I totally respect "I have no bandwidth to deal with this right now." But to reject this kid because you think he's kind of a loser? Your home won't be a good place for him.

I agree. Op would likely only beat the poor kid down even more with her attitude. She doesn't want her perfect life interrupted.

Quoting myself.

With this mindset, I don't think OP is a good choice for this child. She is not prepared or willing to help him. She certainly isn't ready to take care of a child who will present some challenges.

No, I think OP will be emotionally abusive. But I think elderly grandparents will struggle and could be unintentionally neglectful and it could impact their health, and traveling brother will by definition be neglectful because he’ll be absent. Foster care for teens would just cement this boy’s path toward addiction. Even in a blue state, foster care isn’t a good choice. It might be the best choice for some kids, but I’m guessing most of them have physically and sexually abusive family members, not UMC aunties in DC who hate their sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, any issues this child had are likely a result of being raised in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment his entire life. Nothing that you think you dislike about him should ever be blamed on him until you have known him awhile and even then I’d give lots of grace knowing what his entire life has been like. Please don’t blame this child, none of this is his fault. He’s probably had to raise himself and take care of his mother on more than one occasion, so if you do take him please remember that.

Second, there’s still hope for the child. What you see right now is most likely not how he would behave in a different environment. Especially one that is secure with structure, discipline, a good adult/child type relationship, and financial resources.

Third, I have worked in foster care particularly in the area of parents at risk of losing their child with a focus on keeping them in the home through parent training. Once that child gets into the system nothing will be good for them or your family. The benefits of keeping the child with the parent, ideally, or family, second best, far outweigh the process of living in foster care.

First he’d probably be picked up by CPS and only allowed to bring a few belongings. Forced into a car with a stranger leaving your belongings and mother behind, not knowing what tomorrow holds. Would you wish that on your own child? Then he’ll probably be placed in temporary custody, then if you’re lucky in a foster home but more likely at his age into a group home type setting. 7/10 foster homes I saw gave me hesitation for some reason, so his chances of finding a good one are slim.

If you do not take him that will be his life until 18 at which point he will be expected to live independently with minimal resources and no real upbringing to prepare him. Chances are he will end up in a similar situation to your sister and this cycle will not end.

Leaving him there for just a few days without signing him over to family risks the court ordering him into foster care. There will be little turning back at that point as it would be more paperwork to get him out and the trauma of being taken into the unknown by a stranger will already have occurred.

You are this kid’s only hope. If your child was in a similar situation what would you want for them? There are many resources available to foster families so you would be able to get support to help motivate him and navigate how to handle the situation better. Three solid years are enough to turn his life around.

Personally I would sign the papers in your situation in a heartbeat, but I know what he might face if family doesn’t take him. More trauma, maybe abuse, expectations of adulthood with no chance to ever be a child or to be taught valuable life lessons.

Please think about the decision and how the child in the situation would be affected. Not about how you’re salty because you always help out. That’s called being a family. Just focus on the child and what his life has been like and would be like if you don’t do it.

No, the OP is not. There are grandparents and an uncle in the picture, too. Dumping this all on the OP because they’ve decided that “makes sense” isn’t fair. Why can’t the uncle get a job with less travel, for example?

Nice try again, OP you just don’t stop. Go sign your papers, that kid needs you.

I’m not the OP. The parallel process in this thread is fascinating, though—everybody loves jumping on functional people who set boundaries. The OP is a human being, too, but apparently that’s not permitted.

Sorry, OP. I think if there’s a way you can provide some support and shelter for your nephew, that would be great. Not necessarily full-time, but something. If it were me, I’d insist on minimal contact with my sister because if you’re going to raise her kid, she doesn’t get to waltz in when she feels like it.

Anyway. I get it. Hang in there.

Agree. All the virtue signaling people here say they’d do it in a heartbeat aren’t actually facing the decision. OP, I get it. And I don’t understand how boo dad isn’t even suggested As a possibility. This man has responsibilities and the boy needs a father

[Anonymous]

No upper middle class person starts a sentence with “Me” as the subject. Russian Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No upper middle class person starts a sentence with “Me” as the subject. Russian Troll.

This. And who leaves their three kids for a month as school is getting started and stays in a hotel.

How has this thread not been deleted?

[Anonymous]

OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

To answer a few questions, yes I flew out to the West Coast and left my DH and children. I trust my husband is more then capable of handling back-to-school on his own. My family is going through a huge emergency - I haven’t written out every detail because there are lawyers involved and open criminal cases, etc - but I needed to be here for my family right now. To the people calling me a “troll” because of this, do you really not trust your spouse to take care of your kids for a month when an emergency comes up, then I am sorry for your relationship.

Anyway, I stand by my original decision, and I also stand by signing the papers and moving forward. I still do think my nephew will regret it, moving across the country to live with a family he does not know and doesn’t have any shared interests with is going to be a big shock, but ultimately the biggest reason I changed my mind was that I asked him what he wanted, and he decided he wanted to do that. Do I still think he would be happier staying in California with my parents or brother, or even with an adoptive family? Of course, he would be able to stay with his friends, his grandparents (and other family members), etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

[phone]

[Anonymous]

Boarding school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

OP, this is good to hear! I am one of those who wrote earlier to encourage you to open your heart and take him in. I think it’s great that your nephew wants to make the move and that your whole family is on board. Best of everything as you move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

We get it, but it isn't the child's fault, so why should he suffer for her issues with her sister?

First, he already has suffered because of his mother’s issues.

Second, working out a suitable home for him shouldn’t fall entirely on the OP. It’s interesting that no one’s jumping on the grandparents or uncle in this case. Again, why can’t the uncle get a new job with less travel? Why can’t the grandparents be the official legal guardians, but with substantial help from the uncle and OP? What the OP is reacting to is her dysfunctional family deciding for her that this child’s future is *entirely* in her hands, so that they can walk away.

Many of you are trying to make this an all or nothing issue, when it’s anything but.

I’m a pp that said I’d absolutely take my nephew in if I were OP, but you bring up a good point. To be fair OP said that her parents were not an option so everyone’s response is based on that. But perhaps OP needs to re-think this. OP, if you offered a lot of support to your brother could it work? My brother is a social worker and knowing what I know, I could never allow my family member to be taken into foster care. Not to say it’s always bad, but I know enough of the horror stories to know Id never risk it. And the truth is it’s very hard to place older kids, everyone wants a newborn. Many of them end up staying in the foster care system until they age out. OP, you do not want that for your nephew, if you have any heart at all.