Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Seems like this kid has been through enough and moving him across the country away from the only family he has ever known and while he is in high school, might not be the best thing for him. Could he live with the grandparents for the next 3 years with some sort of supports in place? the brother helping out? Or live with the brother but stay with the grandparents when the brother has to travel?

[Anonymous]

I absolutely would take this kid in. Yes, it may be hard, and disrupt your perfect life, but it’s family. Plus he’s 15, not two. While you need to go into this careful not to make him a second-class family member, the reality is that if things go really south you can support him to launch a life outside your home in just a couple years.

[Anonymous]

I would take him in, but I’m also not a sociopath.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

Okay, you’re a troll.

I certainly hope so. This is an absolutely heartless response and completely divorced from the reality of how horrible foster care is. Seriously, WTF.

[Anonymous]

What is the brother’s situation and why is he off the hook?

[Anonymous]

I would also be leery of inviting a 15 year old who has grown up in an addicts home into my home with my three children. I also don’t think moving the kid across the country is particularly helpful. He’s 15, not a little child. Why again can’t he live with the grandparents? He’s lived with them before, sounds like they are local, brother is near too it sounds for support, and the kid wouldn’t have to leave all he knows. Has he been in therapy at all? I would also refuse. There are other obvious options.

[Anonymous]

You need to prioritize your own kids. I think your brother should take him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Exactly. It is remarkable to me how much sympathy I had for OP until I got to the ghastly second part of her essay, at which point my sympathy disappeared entirely. What a horrifically vile person OP is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since it’s 2 am on the west coast I’m going to assume you are a troll to make myself feel better. I can’t believe someone so horrid exists and would openly share something that makes them look so evil.

I really really hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

NP and I have to agree. I understand your reservations and your concern for your kids, and I won’t vilify you for declining to take him in, but you express zero compassion for this child and your distaste for his failure to fit the “high stats” mold is rather disgusting.

[Anonymous]

It’s really interesting to me how the only thing many PPs can focus on is that the OP said the 15 year old is overweight. I don’t think moving the kid across the country is the best option here. He should stay with the grandparents. Brother and OP can help. Sister will hopefully go to jail where she might have a chance at drying out. Why hasn’t the boy’s father been contacted? Why does he somehow have a free pass but OP is in the hot seat?

[Anonymous]

OP is hopefully a troll but if not, any of her kids who aren’t sociopaths will figure out what OP did to her nephew years from now, and that will have fall out. I’m not sure I’d let my mom near my own kids if she has a history like OP. Too much of a chance for cruelty.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

[Anonymous]

Assuming OP isn’t a troll, I’ll take the kid.

How traumatic would it be for him to move acorss the country bc his moms addiction is too much.

He should at least have a family on the other side ready to see his humanity and support him. I’d be able to do that and I’m a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

It sounds like there is still hope your kids will grow up to be kind people who can make friends with people based on things other than superficial shared interests. Maybe this is what they need.

If you don't take him, what are other options? Are you really OK with a child the same age as yours becoming homeless? How would you feel if you and your DH were hit by a bus and in the hospital tomorrow and your family didn't step up and take your kids because obviously if they are low weight they must be shallow and sports obsessed? That's a similar stereotype.