Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

To answer a few questions, yes I flew out to the West Coast and left my DH and children. I trust my husband is more then capable of handling back-to-school on his own. My family is going through a huge emergency - I haven’t written out every detail because there are lawyers involved and open criminal cases, etc - but I needed to be here for my family right now. To the people calling me a “troll” because of this, do you really not trust your spouse to take care of your kids for a month when an emergency comes up, then I am sorry for your relationship.

Anyway, I stand by my original decision, and I also stand by signing the papers and moving forward. I still do think my nephew will regret it, moving across the country to live with a family he does not know and doesn’t have any shared interests with is going to be a big shock, but ultimately the biggest reason I changed my mind was that I asked him what he wanted, and he decided he wanted to do that. Do I still think he would be happier staying in California with my parents or brother, or even with an adoptive family? Of course, he would be able to stay with his friends, his grandparents (and other family members), etc.

OP, as a guardian to another family member’s child, I get it. Raising someone else’s child is hard. But you don’t know this child, yet you are already projecting that he will be unhappy because he has nothing in common with your family. If you don’t know him, how can you even say that? Please, please get counseling for both yourself and this child. He deserves a chance, but if you are already saying this move is doomed to failure, it will fail. At the first sign of trouble, you will likely throw up your arms and say, “I tried, but I was right. This was a bad idea.” A child knows when elders are running down the clock. Which is exactly what you portray yourself as doing. For the child’s sake, I hope I’m wrong.

[Anonymous]

Just read your update, OP! I’m so happy you decided to open your heart and home to your nephew. I hope you come back and update us from time to time. I’m sure it won’t be easy and you’ll probably need to get him in therapy ASAP, but I’m hoping the best for you all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worried your Christmas photo cards won't be picture perfect in your eyes anymore?

Oh OP wouldn’t let the kid in the family photos if he comes and lives with them. No way OP would let her nephew sully the Christmas photos.

[Anonymous]

I'd be willing to give the kid a chance, but your first obligation is to protect your own children. At 15 your nephew could do some serious harm to your other kids if he's messed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be willing to give the kid a chance, but your first obligation is to protect your own children. At 15 your nephew could do some serious harm to your other kids if he's messed up.

The one child molester I knew was the guy who appeared the most put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

My BIL calls himself an addict and is very loud about how he wants people to refer to him as an addict. We do what he wants.

OP hasn’t done jack. Maybe you have not done much either, hence the defensiveness and attacks on people who see OP as vile.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

+1
You are beyond self centered and not even giving this poor kid a chance. You truly don’t deserve him. He is likely a shockingly resilient child who will flourish when finally given the chance. Turn the tables and think about what you would want for your children if something were to happen to you & your dh. Do not punish your nephew for things out of his control. I think you also need to realize that a lot of addiction is chemical and out of your sisters control, too. I would guess she has undiagnosed mental issues that she likely originally was sept medicating with alcohol.

I wonder what life was like for the sister with OP as her twin. My guess is there some emotional abuse and trauma there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

To answer a few questions, yes I flew out to the West Coast and left my DH and children. I trust my husband is more then capable of handling back-to-school on his own. My family is going through a huge emergency - I haven’t written out every detail because there are lawyers involved and open criminal cases, etc - but I needed to be here for my family right now. To the people calling me a “troll” because of this, do you really not trust your spouse to take care of your kids for a month when an emergency comes up, then I am sorry for your relationship.

Anyway, I stand by my original decision, and I also stand by signing the papers and moving forward. I still do think my nephew will regret it, moving across the country to live with a family he does not know and doesn’t have any shared interests with is going to be a big shock, but ultimately the biggest reason I changed my mind was that I asked him what he wanted, and he decided he wanted to do that. Do I still think he would be happier staying in California with my parents or brother, or even with an adoptive family? Of course, he would be able to stay with his friends, his grandparents (and other family members), etc.

OP, as a guardian to another family member’s child, I get it. Raising someone else’s child is hard. But you don’t know this child, yet you are already projecting that he will be unhappy because he has nothing in common with your family. If you don’t know him, how can you even say that? Please, please get counseling for both yourself and this child. He deserves a chance, but if you are already saying this move is doomed to failure, it will fail. At the first sign of trouble, you will likely throw up your arms and say, “I tried, but I was right. This was a bad idea.” A child knows when elders are running down the clock. Which is exactly what you portray yourself as doing. For the child’s sake, I hope I’m wrong.

+1

Please please please get family therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

To answer a few questions, yes I flew out to the West Coast and left my DH and children. I trust my husband is more then capable of handling back-to-school on his own. My family is going through a huge emergency - I haven’t written out every detail because there are lawyers involved and open criminal cases, etc - but I needed to be here for my family right now. To the people calling me a “troll” because of this, do you really not trust your spouse to take care of your kids for a month when an emergency comes up, then I am sorry for your relationship.

Anyway, I stand by my original decision, and I also stand by signing the papers and moving forward. I still do think my nephew will regret it, moving across the country to live with a family he does not know and doesn’t have any shared interests with is going to be a big shock, but ultimately the biggest reason I changed my mind was that I asked him what he wanted, and he decided he wanted to do that. Do I still think he would be happier staying in California with my parents or brother, or even with an adoptive family? Of course, he would be able to stay with his friends, his grandparents (and other family members), etc.

One thing to consider is that he may see moving across the country to be with new people who have a completely different lifestyle as an opportunity to become who he wants to be away from the chaos of his mom. That doesn’t mean he will become a clone of your kids, but you might be surprised by who he becomes. That will only happen if you give him a home where he feels secure, cared about, and valued for who he is rather than how easily he fits in with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

My BIL calls himself an addict and is very loud about how he wants people to refer to him as an addict. We do what he wants.

OP hasn’t done jack. Maybe you have not done much either, hence the defensiveness and attacks on people who see OP as vile.

Try reading the OP’s update, which is that she signed custody papers for her nephew. That you claim to support your BIL and are still so venomous towards the OP suggests that your form of “support” doesn’t include much empathy. I’ve done plenty for my sister, but I won’t let her harm my kids.

OP, I wish you and your family all the best. I do think support from professionals will be important, as will support from your parents and brother. You’re doing a big thing and they need to recognize that. I know this decision was a difficult one. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

You are selfish. But you also aren’t legally obligated to take this kid in. If you dislike him this much, maybe he would be better off in foster care (unlikely, it’s a terrible system).

It sounds like the kid has had a really hard life, with a lot of instability and drama. If his biggest issues are being a overweight and not highly driven, it sounds like he’s a resilient kid who has persevered through a lot. Imagine what he could do if he were set up for success with an actual supportive home environment.

[Anonymous]

So you suddenly, less than 12 hours after posting, have “signed papers.” Riiiiiight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you suddenly, less than 12 hours after posting, have “signed papers.” Riiiiiight.

Yeah it’s great that OP was able to connect with a lawyer at 9am on the Sunday of a holiday weekend on the West Coast to sign custody papers. So fortunate, especially after staying up so late in the hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Good for you for doing what had to be done. It’s not ideal - ideal would have been your twin sister not being in this messy place to begin with,

But this is life, and it had to be done. You make it work.

[Anonymous]

He isn't your responsibility, OP. I see where you're coming from.

Just say "I can't." It's a full sentence.