Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

I have four kids. Guess what? Some are into sports, some music, some skateboarding, some art, and they get along perfectly fine having varying interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

Okay, you’re a troll.

California has a budget of $1.5 billion for child welfare programs. I am looking at all the options, not just forcing me and my family to take him in. Ultimately, when I refuse to sign the papers tomorrow I expect my brother will take him him, but yes the government spends a lot of money on providing adoption and foster care services, and that is a good thing for situations like this.

If you don’t believe me, this is public information: https://lao.ca.gov/Publications/Report/4476/3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

I am straight-up embarrassed for you as a human being. Your 15 year old has more maturity than his mother. Grow the f%€¥ up and do the right thing.

I was surprised to read she told her children her nephew living with them was a possibility given her reservations. It’s something the adults should talk amongst themselves and decide. What does your DH say?

We told my kids because they are part of our family and deserve a say on such an obviously drastic decision.

My husband is tentatively okay with taking my nephew in, but only if I am okay with it. We have a good relationship.

So you’re the only hold out in your entire family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

Okay, you’re a troll.

California has a budget of $1.5 billion for child welfare programs. I am looking at all the options, not just forcing me and my family to take him in. Ultimately, when I refuse to sign the papers tomorrow I expect my brother will take him him, but yes the government spends a lot of money on providing adoption and foster care services, and that is a good thing for situations like this.

If you don’t believe me, this is public information: https://lao.ca.gov/Publications/Report/4476/3

Whatever you have to tell yourself so you can sleep at night, you evil witch.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine in a million years being this heartless towards my nephew. But given your clear animosity towards this kid, maybe he would be better off not being in your negative influence. He needs someone to love him and care for him. You don’t seem to be ready to do either.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend who took in her nephew after her sister in law died. The nephew’s parents had met in rehab and were both heroin addicts. Unlike you, she very much wanted to help this child who was also in high school at this point.

It was a tough ride. The nephew had a completely different upbringing than her children and as a result had a lot of difficulty adjusting to the new lifestyle. He skipped school, took drugs and was generally a pain to deal with. He went to community college after high school. I don’t know what has happened with him lately, but he is not on the same path as her daughters who are both older than him.

You are probably correct that your nephew will come with many problems due to his unstable upbringing. He will probably have trouble adjusting and fitting in with your kids and current lifestyle. The question is, can you live with yourself if you abandon him? You did not create the problem but neither did he.

[Anonymous]

My family was in a slightly similar situation when I was about 10 or 12 years old, with two siblings. An older distant cousin (not sure if she was a second or third cousin) whom I had never met before - didn't even know her family existed - came to live with us after her mother died and her father was unable to raise her. (She had an older grown sibling and another one who went to another relative.)

Anyhow, she lived with us for four years. We didn't have much in common, and she never felt like part of our immediate family, but we all got along. We didn't even keep in touch with her much after she was old enough and able enough to support herself and moved out to be on her own. It was sort of like a blip, a phase in the life of our family. All in all, it was probably a good thing for us to have someone living with us who was different from us. We adapted. She adapted. We opened our hearts and our home. We didn't need to be best buddies. We didn't need to love each other. We just needed to accept each other for who each of us was, and we did.

The thing that troubles me about all of your posts is that you seem very judgmental. I can understand why you are fed up with dealing with your sister's messes. But the foster care system can be wretched. It would be cold-hearted of you to say that your family will shut its doors to a nephew who needs a home.

So what if he isn't athletic? I didn't have anything in common with my cousin, but she didn't need to become a sibling. She was a relative who needed a home.

At another point in my life, a couple of years ago under complicated circumstances while I was living in my mother's home to help her as she was declining, I was pretty much forced to take in an adult niece who needed to find a new living situation ASAP. I know that is entirely different because she was an adult and could live her own life while staying under my roof, but I wasn't crazy about the idea that I had to welcome her in. But it also wasn't my place to shut her out, since it was my mother's home and she was willing. And as it turned out, even though my niece and I are very different people, it has been a very positive experience and we are going to continue it indefinitely.

It is sad to think of you on that phone call with your son who was eager to welcome a cousin into the home and you were trying to caution him that he probably won't like him. Well, it certainly won't be a success story if you begin with that attitude. But you do have the power to approach it with a healthier, more positive mindset, viewing it as a growth opportunity, and the right thing to do, helping a family member in need.

Please try to separate your bad feelings about your sister from your feelings about your nephew. Please take some time to find some compassion within yourself. This is your parents' grandchild. Do you love your parents? Can you do this as an act of love for them?

[Anonymous]

Have you heard of the Turpin kids? They were in CA foster care after a crappy upbringing. That 1.5B didn't seem to help them at all. How can you leave a family member in the care of strangers! Foster kids are often shuffled from home to home, have a 5% chance of going and graduating college, and are at high risk of being abused.

If you are a troll, nice work getting others to respond to you.

If you really are this boys aunt, you should take him in. You have been given an opportunity to give this poor child an awesome home filled with family. Your kids are excited about it, your husband is willing to support it, and perhaps, with time, you'll see that your concerns are overshadowed by the good you can do for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

He *Has* a viable guardian. Sometimes the right thing isn’t convenient. Your reservations are so incredibly shallow. You are horrid.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're. Being selfish, but I do think you need to take this kid, love him, and give him a stable home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

Okay, you’re a troll.

+1. This is somebody's exercise in writing fiction. Do better OP.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine a situation where I wouldn’t take my sibling or my spouses siblings children if they needed a home. I hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

How many times are you going to mention that you’re UMC in your original post, OP? Did you ever think that you and your family could be a stabilizing influence on him? Would you think that if he was skinny?

[Anonymous]

OP, you aren’t wrong to be hesitant to take custody of your nephew, given that you have three kids at home, two of whom are younger than your nephew. If it was just that you thought he had different interests than your kids, that would be one thing. But he has been exposed to things that you really don’t want your kids exposed to. It is easy for PPs to insult you and call you horrible, but how many 15 year old boys of drug addicts are they currently fostering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

SMH. I truly hope this isn't real, but if it is, no one is really assuming much of anything. Not needed, you've put it all out there.
So you think this poor kid, while being raised by an alcoholic single mom, should have been able to pull himself up by the bootstraps and get himself a gym membership, or even better, devote his time to throwing balls up and down a field. Do the kid a favor and let him roll the dice with other (anything, really) options.