Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Not sure why I am even writing this considering the level of vitriol that has been directed towards me and the just base level of disrespect shown to me, but maybe I feel the need to prove I am not a “monster” for being concerned about taking in a 15 year old child I do not know into my established home.

I just signed the paperwork to move forward towards taking custody of my nephew, and have told my family we will be taking him in. Obviously this was not an easy choice (thank you to the few posters who recognized this), but ultimately I decided that it was the right one, and the fact the rest of my immediate family supported this decision played a large role in this decision.

To answer a few questions, yes I flew out to the West Coast and left my DH and children. I trust my husband is more then capable of handling back-to-school on his own. My family is going through a huge emergency - I haven’t written out every detail because there are lawyers involved and open criminal cases, etc - but I needed to be here for my family right now. To the people calling me a “troll” because of this, do you really not trust your spouse to take care of your kids for a month when an emergency comes up, then I am sorry for your relationship.

Anyway, I stand by my original decision, and I also stand by signing the papers and moving forward. I still do think my nephew will regret it, moving across the country to live with a family he does not know and doesn’t have any shared interests with is going to be a big shock, but ultimately the biggest reason I changed my mind was that I asked him what he wanted, and he decided he wanted to do that. Do I still think he would be happier staying in California with my parents or brother, or even with an adoptive family? Of course, he would be able to stay with his friends, his grandparents (and other family members), etc.

If you think he will regret it, then he certainly will. You have the power to perhaps do some real good here. But I worry that you'd rather be proven right.

[Anonymous]

It seems that your nephew's biggest obstacle will be overcoming your negativity toward him being part of your family. You even said your own son was excited about his cousin coming so you tried to straighten him out by telling him his cousin most likely won't fit in well. You are sabotaging the very effort you apparently have now agreed to undertake. I hope you can get yourself into some therapy and turn your own head around before you do more damage to this child and your own kids in the process.

[Anonymous]

I think this is likely a troll, given the miraculous signing of papers on a holiday weekend. I find myself really really hoping this is a troll, for the sake of that poor 15-year-old who is going from a home with an addicted mother to a home where I am worried he will encounter emotional abuse from a cold and resentful guardian. If he is real, that poor child deserves so much more than the awful hand he has been dealt.

[Anonymous]

Simply put, it is your duty to do this and you need to do it. My God.

I am going to hope that you wrote this in a moment of stress in dealing with this difficult and heartbreaking situation and soon come to terms with the fact that life isn't perfect and one of your kids not having something perfect in their lives is not the end of the world.

Get some therapy and make it work.

[Anonymous]

This is what families are for. And to think it is your twin sister that you want to turn your back on is really disheartening. Some things in life you do not because you want to, but because they are the right thing to do. This is how compassion and character are built. You're not put on this earth to just make it easy for you, but to help make it easy for each other.

[Anonymous]

This is sad and terrible.

I suppose it would be bad for your nephew to come live with your family seeing as how you don't want him and feeling "less than" your kids in every way wouldn't just be a fear, but a reality that you'd be unable to keep secret.

Since you seem to have your act together and you seem to have sympathy for your sister, I would focus your energies on finding the best possible placement for your nephew. Another stable family, supporting your parents in raising him, something. Or, yeah, you can suck it up and give the kid a chance.

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

OP: I have no interest in parenting this fat aimless child. He won’t fit in my family I’m not going to sign the paperwork tomorrow but my brother will probably end up taking him.

Everyone: wow, you’re a monster.

OP: Why are you attacking me? I signed the paperwork today to take custody!

What a lame troll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I have no interest in parenting this fat aimless child. He won’t fit in my family I’m not going to sign the paperwork tomorrow but my brother will probably end up taking him.

Everyone: wow, you’re a monster.

OP: Why are you attacking me? I signed the paperwork today to take custody!

What a lame troll

+1

[Anonymous]

Trollllll. I’m pretty much estranged from my siblings and if I heard that any of their children needed a home, I’d open mine in a heartbeat. Same for any kids in DH’s family. If you are indeed a real person, you are incredibly cold.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read this thread except for the first page. I feel for your nephew, but my DD took in her two nieces because it was that or foster care. Ages 11 and 14, when her kids were 8, 12 and 14. It did not work. The nieces had been brought up very differently and could not adjust to a structured lifestyle. They had them for almost a year but it took too much of a toll on their family and was resulting in issues for her kids.

Your first responsibility is to your family, no matter how hard it it will be for nephew to go into foster care. And nephew may very well be miserable living with you as your family are strangers and he’ll have little if no contact with grandparents and his mom.

Don’t feel bad doing what you need to do or not do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t read this thread except for the first page. I feel for your nephew, but my DD took in her two nieces because it was that or foster care. Ages 11 and 14, when her kids were 8, 12 and 14. It did not work. The nieces had been brought up very differently and could not adjust to a structured lifestyle. They had them for almost a year but it took too much of a toll on their family and was resulting in issues for her kids.

Your first responsibility is to your family, no matter how hard it it will be for nephew to go into foster care. And nephew may very well be miserable living with you as your family are strangers and he’ll have little if no contact with grandparents and his mom.

Don’t feel bad doing what you need to do or not do.

I agree with this. I have an aunt who OD’d in 2001 and learned, later, that she tried to guilt my parents in adopting her kids in the 80s. I was scared of these cousins when I was little; at the point of discussion, my male cousin, raised in chaos, frequently resorted to threats when frustrated. I remember at 8 him screaming at me holding a knife while my grandmother tried to babysit us all. It was so difficult even then, and that anecdote is representative of the overall trauma and difficulty for all the kids in the family at gatherings, when babysat, and so on. But my mother - part of a large, sprawling, dysfunctional family of origin - said no, and had to deal with being treated as evil for a solid half-decade. My aunt and cousins have all passed. It was all awful. And the torment my mom and even my dad felt led to a lot of non-existent boundaries apart from that single no. it was diffuse and damaging. The consequences are real, and can last.

[Anonymous]

PP above. The torment about being ‘selfish’ and ‘well-off’ and the resentment that broader family were comfortable tossing at us was real. I have no desire to see cousins at this stage, and have firm, thick boundaries against many aunts. It’s not what I expected of myself in adulthood, but I have a child now, and am determined to be there for them in a healthy way, and for my spouse.