Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

We were basically joined at the hip until around 14 years ago. Grew up on the West Coast, went to the same college on the East coast, moved to DC together after college, married a year apart, and then had our oldest sons weeks apart.

But, long story short, our paths diverged. Her husband (now ex-husband) turned out to be an abusive jackass (family had concerns prior, but…) and their relationship collapsed shortly after she had her son. We don’t know when it started, really, but she took it hard and started drinking, leading her to losing her job, and led to her moving back to California. Ended up diving deeper and deeper into addiction, started to mess with other drugs, etc. I’m not going to bore you with a play by play of her life, but it hasn’t been a particularly fun one. Lots of getting clean then relapsing, doing well and then crashing, broken relationships, etc. In 2018, she finally managed to get clean and stay clean and seemed like she was getting her life back on track. Even reached out to me after years of basically zero contact.

Of course, it didn’t last. Again, I wasn’t there so I can’t really say when exactly it happened, but sometime during 2020 she started drinking again. We can argue over why, but ultimately I suspect it was just too much to deal with. Since then, she has been drinking heavier then ever, and has picked up a heroin addiction as well.

Me and my husband are doing well, we are upper middle class and still live in the DC area. We have a 15 yo son, a 12 yo son, and an 8 yo daughter. We always wanted three kids and felt that would be good.

Anyway, I’m in California right now dealing with the fallout from my sister’s addiction. She was just fired from the job she had held since 2018 (for showing up drunk/high), and is facing eviction. She also is facing some criminal charges that, from my understanding, will likely lead to some jail time.

I have been asked to take in her 15 yo son and raise him. My (elderly) parents have been pressuring me heavily to sign the documents to take custody of him. Basically my entire family has decided this would be the best outcome.

Thing is, I do not really know him, and most of my family has never met him. As a baby/toddler, my oldest (also 15/m) played with him while my sister was living close by in DC, as well as once or twice afterwards, and me/my husband have seen him occasionally for family events, but my 12 yo and 8 yo have literally never met him.

He has lived with my sister for his entire life, who has raised him as an alcoholic single mother. I believe he has, for brief periods, lived with both my parents (when they were younger) and my younger brother, but legally he was always under the custody of my sister.

I have been in California for a month helping my parents and brothers deal with the fallout of this mess, and I have met with him. Problem is, I have zero interest in taking custody of him. He is a nice enough kid, but he doesn’t have much actual drive and is struggling academically. He also is overweight, and doesn’t share any interests with my kids (who generally are into sports, working out, etc).

I understand why everyone thinks me taking this kid on makes sense. My parents are too old to really raise a teenager, my brother is not in a stable enough position to take it on (he works in the energy sector and has to travel a lot for work), and the dad has not been heard from since 2009 and has never had any interest in parenting. Me and my husband are upper middle class professionals with kids around that age and stable jobs.

But I have no interest in doing so. It is putting a lot on my plate, and would be basically be a cross-country move for the kid only for him to live with a family he barely knows. It is introducing a potential bad influence right in the same home as my kids, who we have worked hard to raise right. I’m stuck here, and I don’t know even where to start with this issue.

I’ve talked to my brother, parents, and sister and explained my reservations, but they all act like I am being selfish because I have the money and ability to take him in, and the idea of him finding a foster/adoptive family through the state would be a betrayal on my part, when I am just tired of having to cover for my twin sister and swoop in and save the day. No joke, ever since I’ve been here it feels like we are back to being in high school and she is right back there cheating off of my homework.

I just need advice. My parents have mentioned getting a lawyer if I don’t take custody of this kid, and I need any advice I can get.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

If you’re not a troll, then you are one crappy person. Your 15 year old nephew is stuck in a situation that he didn’t create, needs a stable home, and your first concern is that he’s overweight.

Advice: Grow up and be a decent human being. Take your nephew in with an open heart and open arms.

[Anonymous]

You want us to advise you that you’d be right not to take him. I’ll advise you that you are a disgusting person. You don’t think your kids might make friends who are bad influences? You don’t feel any compassion for a boy whose been through hell and is scared and uncomfortable to know his mom’s twin thinks he’s gross and will corrupt her kids? Shame on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

I am straight-up embarrassed for you as a human being. Your 15 year old has more maturity than his mother. Grow the f%€¥ up and do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Since it’s 2 am on the west coast I’m going to assume you are a troll to make myself feel better. I can’t believe someone so horrid exists and would openly share something that makes them look so evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

You said you don’t really know him so how would you know if he wouldn’t fit in with your family?

[Anonymous]

Horrible person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

I am straight-up embarrassed for you as a human being. Your 15 year old has more maturity than his mother. Grow the f%€¥ up and do the right thing.

I was surprised to read she told her children her nephew living with them was a possibility given her reservations. It’s something the adults should talk amongst themselves and decide. What does your DH say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

Okay, you’re a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

I am straight-up embarrassed for you as a human being. Your 15 year old has more maturity than his mother. Grow the f%€¥ up and do the right thing.

I was surprised to read she told her children her nephew living with them was a possibility given her reservations. It’s something the adults should talk amongst themselves and decide. What does your DH say?

We told my kids because they are part of our family and deserve a say on such an obviously drastic decision.

My husband is tentatively okay with taking my nephew in, but only if I am okay with it. We have a good relationship.

[Anonymous]

You’ve been in California for a month while your 8, 12 and 15 year old are home “in the DC area” starting school and figuring things out for themselves? Yeah, no. Go back to your spot under the troll bridge.

Troll fail.