Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

Is this for real? That’s seriously the only thing you can think of that defines who your kids are as people? That’s so, so sad...you’re clearly shallow af and I’m worried about your kids (your daughter, particularly) going forward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

First, you are assuming they won't get along based on wholly superficial interests. Second, have you ever met a family where every sibling is exactly alike and "fit in" with each other? I have not. That is not normal. Kids are not clones. My kids have a had teachers in common who never realized they were siblings, they are that different -- physically, academically, personality, and interests. Even best friends are not exactly alike. If this truly is your primary concern, you can put that out of your head because it is frankly ridiculous. So then the questions is: what is your REAL reservation?

It seems to me that the bottom line is that you and your DH have worked hard to isolate yourselves from your extended family, so you could live in a world where their problems don't exist for you. But now there is a boy who needs you. He didn't ask for this family or these problems either. He exists, and you can't pretend he doesn't. Your own kids are watching you.

By the way, what does your nephew have to say about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She may have done a lot before cutting them off, and then cut them off to preserve her own sanity and her immediate family’s functioning. If they’re anything like my family, maintaining those boundaries is a hell of a lot of hard work. Again, IME, the people I know with more functional families fundamentally don’t understand that.

[Anonymous]

First, any issues this child had are likely a result of being raised in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment his entire life. Nothing that you think you dislike about him should ever be blamed on him until you have known him awhile and even then I’d give lots of grace knowing what his entire life has been like. Please don’t blame this child, none of this is his fault. He’s probably had to raise himself and take care of his mother on more than one occasion, so if you do take him please remember that.

Second, there’s still hope for the child. What you see right now is most likely not how he would behave in a different environment. Especially one that is secure with structure, discipline, a good adult/child type relationship, and financial resources.

Third, I have worked in foster care particularly in the area of parents at risk of losing their child with a focus on keeping them in the home through parent training. Once that child gets into the system nothing will be good for them or your family. The benefits of keeping the child with the parent, ideally, or family, second best, far outweigh the process of living in foster care.

First he’d probably be picked up by CPS and only allowed to bring a few belongings. Forced into a car with a stranger leaving your belongings and mother behind, not knowing what tomorrow holds. Would you wish that on your own child? Then he’ll probably be placed in temporary custody, then if you’re lucky in a foster home but more likely at his age into a group home type setting. 7/10 foster homes I saw gave me hesitation for some reason, so his chances of finding a good one are slim.

If you do not take him that will be his life until 18 at which point he will be expected to live independently with minimal resources and no real upbringing to prepare him. Chances are he will end up in a similar situation to your sister and this cycle will not end.

Leaving him there for just a few days without signing him over to family risks the court ordering him into foster care. There will be little turning back at that point as it would be more paperwork to get him out and the trauma of being taken into the unknown by a stranger will already have occurred.

You are this kid’s only hope. If your child was in a similar situation what would you want for them? There are many resources available to foster families so you would be able to get support to help motivate him and navigate how to handle the situation better. Three solid years are enough to turn his life around.

Personally I would sign the papers in your situation in a heartbeat, but I know what he might face if family doesn’t take him. More trauma, maybe abuse, expectations of adulthood with no chance to ever be a child or to be taught valuable life lessons.

Please think about the decision and how the child in the situation would be affected. Not about how you’re salty because you always help out. That’s called being a family. Just focus on the child and what his life has been like and would be like if you don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

You’re gross if you’re real.

[Anonymous]

I suggest contacting Formed Families Forward to help you figure things out. https://formedfamiliesforward.org/ They are a non-profit that helps kinship families.

If the reason your brother is unable to continue to help your nephew because of finances, that maybe where you can help. An UMC family in the DMV should have money they can spare to help.

Have you ever gone to a therapist to work through your issues with your sister?

I would also look into your heart and try to imagine things, if the situation were reversed and you were the sibling in need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, any issues this child had are likely a result of being raised in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment his entire life. Nothing that you think you dislike about him should ever be blamed on him until you have known him awhile and even then I’d give lots of grace knowing what his entire life has been like. Please don’t blame this child, none of this is his fault. He’s probably had to raise himself and take care of his mother on more than one occasion, so if you do take him please remember that.

Second, there’s still hope for the child. What you see right now is most likely not how he would behave in a different environment. Especially one that is secure with structure, discipline, a good adult/child type relationship, and financial resources.

Third, I have worked in foster care particularly in the area of parents at risk of losing their child with a focus on keeping them in the home through parent training. Once that child gets into the system nothing will be good for them or your family. The benefits of keeping the child with the parent, ideally, or family, second best, far outweigh the process of living in foster care.

First he’d probably be picked up by CPS and only allowed to bring a few belongings. Forced into a car with a stranger leaving your belongings and mother behind, not knowing what tomorrow holds. Would you wish that on your own child? Then he’ll probably be placed in temporary custody, then if you’re lucky in a foster home but more likely at his age into a group home type setting. 7/10 foster homes I saw gave me hesitation for some reason, so his chances of finding a good one are slim.

If you do not take him that will be his life until 18 at which point he will be expected to live independently with minimal resources and no real upbringing to prepare him. Chances are he will end up in a similar situation to your sister and this cycle will not end.

Leaving him there for just a few days without signing him over to family risks the court ordering him into foster care. There will be little turning back at that point as it would be more paperwork to get him out and the trauma of being taken into the unknown by a stranger will already have occurred.

You are this kid’s only hope. If your child was in a similar situation what would you want for them? There are many resources available to foster families so you would be able to get support to help motivate him and navigate how to handle the situation better. Three solid years are enough to turn his life around.

Personally I would sign the papers in your situation in a heartbeat, but I know what he might face if family doesn’t take him. More trauma, maybe abuse, expectations of adulthood with no chance to ever be a child or to be taught valuable life lessons.

Please think about the decision and how the child in the situation would be affected. Not about how you’re salty because you always help out. That’s called being a family. Just focus on the child and what his life has been like and would be like if you don’t do it.

No, the OP is not. There are grandparents and an uncle in the picture, too. Dumping this all on the OP because they’ve decided that “makes sense” isn’t fair. Why can’t the uncle get a job with less travel, for example?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who took in her nephew after her sister in law died. The nephew’s parents had met in rehab and were both heroin addicts. Unlike you, she very much wanted to help this child who was also in high school at this point.

It was a tough ride. The nephew had a completely different upbringing than her children and as a result had a lot of difficulty adjusting to the new lifestyle. He skipped school, took drugs and was generally a pain to deal with. He went to community college after high school. I don’t know what has happened with him lately, but he is not on the same path as her daughters who are both older than him.

You are probably correct that your nephew will come with many problems due to his unstable upbringing. He will probably have trouble adjusting and fitting in with your kids and current lifestyle. The question is, can you live with yourself if you abandon him? You did not create the problem but neither did he.

Sure, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

I’m not going to argue with you. I’m going to go to bed because I’m sitting up in my hotel room freaking out over this situation and it is 2AM even here on the west coast.

You are making a lot of assumptions about my intentions and my family, and my nephew. Yes, he has dealt with issues like every kid. But ultimately, his life has been largely subsidized (along with my sister) by my parents and brother who have probably given him a sum total of over a million dollars over the last ten years. If he had any interest in sports, a gym membership, any other activity, he could easily participate in those activities. Honestly, I think part of why we are facing this pressure is because we cut our sister off ten years ago and haven’t looked back, so my parents/brother think we “owe” them (and her).

To be frank, our government spends a lot of money on programs for these situations when a kid doesn’t have a viable guardian, so I think it is time we let them deal with it. Or my brother can suck it up and take custody himself if he wants to continue to subsidize my sisters bad decisions.

SMH. I truly hope this isn't real, but if it is, no one is really assuming much of anything. Not needed, you've put it all out there.
So you think this poor kid, while being raised by an alcoholic single mom, should have been able to pull himself up by the bootstraps and get himself a gym membership, or even better, devote his time to throwing balls up and down a field. Do the kid a favor and let him roll the dice with other (anything, really) options.

Other than fat shaming the poor kid, I don’t see how this is different from how hard core conservatives view the poor/people with substance abuse problems/California residents and their children. I’m not sure why everyone is jumping on the OP. Lots of people in the DMV feel this way, people posting on this board, people in your social circles. Most have the decency not to admit it and would grudgingly take in a relative to avoid family issues and to be able to lord it over everyone who didn’t pitch in and foster a fat kid. We all know the kid is going to have a better chance in life if OP does take him in, but deep down we all know she’s going to be emotionally abusive with her othering of this child. It’s not going to be easy for him no matter what, and since he must be used to some level of raising himself, maybe living with the grandparents wouldn’t be the worst thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, any issues this child had are likely a result of being raised in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment his entire life. Nothing that you think you dislike about him should ever be blamed on him until you have known him awhile and even then I’d give lots of grace knowing what his entire life has been like. Please don’t blame this child, none of this is his fault. He’s probably had to raise himself and take care of his mother on more than one occasion, so if you do take him please remember that.

Second, there’s still hope for the child. What you see right now is most likely not how he would behave in a different environment. Especially one that is secure with structure, discipline, a good adult/child type relationship, and financial resources.

Third, I have worked in foster care particularly in the area of parents at risk of losing their child with a focus on keeping them in the home through parent training. Once that child gets into the system nothing will be good for them or your family. The benefits of keeping the child with the parent, ideally, or family, second best, far outweigh the process of living in foster care.

First he’d probably be picked up by CPS and only allowed to bring a few belongings. Forced into a car with a stranger leaving your belongings and mother behind, not knowing what tomorrow holds. Would you wish that on your own child? Then he’ll probably be placed in temporary custody, then if you’re lucky in a foster home but more likely at his age into a group home type setting. 7/10 foster homes I saw gave me hesitation for some reason, so his chances of finding a good one are slim.

If you do not take him that will be his life until 18 at which point he will be expected to live independently with minimal resources and no real upbringing to prepare him. Chances are he will end up in a similar situation to your sister and this cycle will not end.

Leaving him there for just a few days without signing him over to family risks the court ordering him into foster care. There will be little turning back at that point as it would be more paperwork to get him out and the trauma of being taken into the unknown by a stranger will already have occurred.

You are this kid’s only hope. If your child was in a similar situation what would you want for them? There are many resources available to foster families so you would be able to get support to help motivate him and navigate how to handle the situation better. Three solid years are enough to turn his life around.

Personally I would sign the papers in your situation in a heartbeat, but I know what he might face if family doesn’t take him. More trauma, maybe abuse, expectations of adulthood with no chance to ever be a child or to be taught valuable life lessons.

Please think about the decision and how the child in the situation would be affected. Not about how you’re salty because you always help out. That’s called being a family. Just focus on the child and what his life has been like and would be like if you don’t do it.

No, the OP is not. There are grandparents and an uncle in the picture, too. Dumping this all on the OP because they’ve decided that “makes sense” isn’t fair. Why can’t the uncle get a job with less travel, for example?

Nice try again, OP you just don’t stop. Go sign your papers, that kid needs you.

[Anonymous]

I’ve talked to my brother, parents, and sister and explained my reservations, but they all act like I am being selfish because I have the money and ability to take him in, and the idea of him finding a foster/adoptive family through the state would be a betrayal on my part, when I am just tired of having to cover for my twin sister and swoop in and save the day. No joke, ever since I’ve been here it feels like we are back to being in high school and she is right back there cheating off of my homework.

Yeah, raising a defenseless child whose herion addict mother is going to jail is your sister copying your homework. Honestly OP, you are so shallow and self cemtered in all these responses that I am convinced your DS' kind enthusiasm to welcoming his cousin into the family was nurtured by DH. Of course you did your homework and didn't marry an abusive man like your twin - more copying homework!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, any issues this child had are likely a result of being raised in an unhealthy and potentially unsafe environment his entire life. Nothing that you think you dislike about him should ever be blamed on him until you have known him awhile and even then I’d give lots of grace knowing what his entire life has been like. Please don’t blame this child, none of this is his fault. He’s probably had to raise himself and take care of his mother on more than one occasion, so if you do take him please remember that.

Second, there’s still hope for the child. What you see right now is most likely not how he would behave in a different environment. Especially one that is secure with structure, discipline, a good adult/child type relationship, and financial resources.

Third, I have worked in foster care particularly in the area of parents at risk of losing their child with a focus on keeping them in the home through parent training. Once that child gets into the system nothing will be good for them or your family. The benefits of keeping the child with the parent, ideally, or family, second best, far outweigh the process of living in foster care.

First he’d probably be picked up by CPS and only allowed to bring a few belongings. Forced into a car with a stranger leaving your belongings and mother behind, not knowing what tomorrow holds. Would you wish that on your own child? Then he’ll probably be placed in temporary custody, then if you’re lucky in a foster home but more likely at his age into a group home type setting. 7/10 foster homes I saw gave me hesitation for some reason, so his chances of finding a good one are slim.

If you do not take him that will be his life until 18 at which point he will be expected to live independently with minimal resources and no real upbringing to prepare him. Chances are he will end up in a similar situation to your sister and this cycle will not end.

Leaving him there for just a few days without signing him over to family risks the court ordering him into foster care. There will be little turning back at that point as it would be more paperwork to get him out and the trauma of being taken into the unknown by a stranger will already have occurred.

You are this kid’s only hope. If your child was in a similar situation what would you want for them? There are many resources available to foster families so you would be able to get support to help motivate him and navigate how to handle the situation better. Three solid years are enough to turn his life around.

Personally I would sign the papers in your situation in a heartbeat, but I know what he might face if family doesn’t take him. More trauma, maybe abuse, expectations of adulthood with no chance to ever be a child or to be taught valuable life lessons.

Please think about the decision and how the child in the situation would be affected. Not about how you’re salty because you always help out. That’s called being a family. Just focus on the child and what his life has been like and would be like if you don’t do it.

No, the OP is not. There are grandparents and an uncle in the picture, too. Dumping this all on the OP because they’ve decided that “makes sense” isn’t fair. Why can’t the uncle get a job with less travel, for example?

Nice try again, OP you just don’t stop. Go sign your papers, that kid needs you.

I’m not the OP. The parallel process in this thread is fascinating, though—everybody loves jumping on functional people who set boundaries. The OP is a human being, too, but apparently that’s not permitted.

Sorry, OP. I think if there’s a way you can provide some support and shelter for your nephew, that would be great. Not necessarily full-time, but something. If it were me, I’d insist on minimal contact with my sister because if you’re going to raise her kid, she doesn’t get to waltz in when she feels like it.

Anyway. I get it. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the kid will be better off with elderly family. I have a problematic family, and I totally respect "I have no bandwidth to deal with this right now." But to reject this kid because you think he's kind of a loser? Your home won't be a good place for him.

I agree. Op would likely only beat the poor kid down even more with her attitude. She doesn't want her perfect life interrupted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cannot believe you openly admitted that you don’t want to take custody of this child because he’s overweight. Not only did that thought cross your mind, but you actually typed it out to list it as a major reason you don’t want him as part of your family. You are disgusting.

Where did I say it was a major reason? It was to illustrate one of the real major reasons I don’t want to take custody, that he would not fit in with my family. My kids are very active, and are very into sports, athletics, and working out. He won’t really get along with my kids, and that would just cause issues in my family, which me and DH have worked really hard to get out of the chaos of both of our extended families. Maybe it’s just on the top of my mind because earlier today I was talking to my 15 year old son who was excited because he basically thinks it is going to be like having one of his buddies living with him, and I was struggling to tell him that they really wouldn’t get along.

He hasn’t had a f***** chance to see if he’s into sports or whether he has any athleticism or really develop any kind of interests or even a sense of self because he lives in a broken home raised by an addict. He has never known stability in his life. He is traumatized. All his energy has been needed to SURVIVE.

You are an absolute ghoul.

+1
You are beyond self centered and not even giving this poor kid a chance. You truly don’t deserve him. He is likely a shockingly resilient child who will flourish when finally given the chance. Turn the tables and think about what you would want for your children if something were to happen to you & your dh. Do not punish your nephew for things out of his control. I think you also need to realize that a lot of addiction is chemical and out of your sisters control, too. I would guess she has undiagnosed mental issues that she likely originally was sept medicating with alcohol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the kid will be better off with elderly family. I have a problematic family, and I totally respect "I have no bandwidth to deal with this right now." But to reject this kid because you think he's kind of a loser? Your home won't be a good place for him.

I agree. Op would likely only beat the poor kid down even more with her attitude. She doesn't want her perfect life interrupted.

Quoting myself.

With this mindset, I don't think OP is a good choice for this child. She is not prepared or willing to help him. She certainly isn't ready to take care of a child who will present some challenges.