Twin sister is spiraling (again), and wants me to take custody of her 15 year old son

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

[Anonymous]

This kid has had a rough life. What he needs is someone who can show him that humans can be good and kind and generous and selfless. I applaud you for realizing that you are not the person who can show him this. He doesn't need to jump from one bad situation to another. Maybe he won't find a good situation in foster care, but there is at least some hope.

[Anonymous]

OP, this question doesn’t really matter, I guess, since you are very clear that you do not want to do this (and I encourage you to stick to decision) but what does your husband say about this? I’d tell grands and bro they should take guardianship and he can come visit for a month next summer. If that goes well, you can revisit moving him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

[Anonymous]

For those defending OP, has she been through the ringer? How has her son only met the nephew four times? Did her twin put on 10 lbs from drinking and OP dropped her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those defending OP, has she been through the ringer? How has her son only met the nephew four times? Did her twin put on 10 lbs from drinking and OP dropped her?

Stop with the petty dramatics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For those defending OP, has she been through the ringer? How has her son only met the nephew four times? Did her twin put on 10 lbs from drinking and OP dropped her?

You really have no clue, do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the brother’s situation and why is he off the hook?

It sounds like he's been doing a lot for 14 years, when OP hasn't even met the kid or known where he was living. Now, maybe, it's time to try something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

[Anonymous]

Good lord this must be a troll! This is not just her sibling but her TWIN SISTER’s child?! I have twin nephews and they would literally die for each other. I cannot even imagine…

[Anonymous]

Worried your Christmas photo cards won't be picture perfect in your eyes anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. What I think a lot of PPs aren’t realizing is how brutal it is having a family member like your sister, how painful to experience, how heartbreaking - for her, but especially for her son. My sister (and only sibling) has a very similar story and my mother has, at times, pressured me into taking my niece.

You’re human, you’ve gone through enough, you don’t want the added responsibility and burden of raising your sister’s child. I get it.

That said, this poor kid has been through the wringer. At 15, he needs a steady hand for his last few years of high school. I don’t think uprooting him from the West Coast and the support of your parents and brother makes sense; for all the lambasting of you they’re doing, they clearly don’t want to raise him, either. Most likely what’s best is that he live with your parents (his grandparents), and your brother and you pitch in as needed. Maybe he spends part of the summers and school breaks with you, something like that. A 15 year old doesn’t need the kind of intensive physical parenting that a two year old does; he needs kindness and stability and some oversight. It might be worth consulting a psychologist and family attorney, if you’ve not already done so.

I am the PP who said OPs post was ghastly and my BIL is a non-functional addict we support.

That doesn’t entitle you to judge her (or to stigmatize your BIL by calling him an “addict,” but I’m guessing you justify that by supporting him). Different families have different situations. I mean, if we could afford to throw money at my sister by means of support, we would. It sounds like the OP has done a lot. Too many PPs on this thread are focusing on a sh*tty thing she said and less on the fact that moving her nephew across country isn’t likely the best thing for him. Why is this all on the OP? IME, many families expect too much from their most functional members and get mad when those functional people draw the line. That may well be what’s happening here.

If OP and her children don’t really even know the nephew, she likely hasn’t been doing a lot for her family. She just wants to tell herself she’s done a lot.

She said herself that she cut them off 10 years ago, when the nephew was 4 or 5 years old.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the kid will be better off with elderly family. I have a problematic family, and I totally respect "I have no bandwidth to deal with this right now." But to reject this kid because you think he's kind of a loser? Your home won't be a good place for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Worried your Christmas photo cards won't be picture perfect in your eyes anymore?

Whether she helps her nephew or leaves him to the foster care system (yikes), OP needs therapy, because honestly this is at the heart of it. Not literally the Christmas card, but the picture perfect life and family she has enjoyed is important enough to her that she cut off her own twin 10 years ago. She cannot bring herself to help her nephew because he is overweight and struggles with academics, and has a troubled parent, so might be a bad influence on her perfect kids.

And there is fear of failure on OP's part. Raising kids with academic and health needs is much, much more difficult than raising neurotypical, naturally athletic, easy kids with no issues. OP may not be up to the task. And if she cannot accept him for who he is and the sum of his life experiences to this point, if she were to expect him to be like her kids suddenly and magically, when he clearly is not, then this would not be good for him emotionally. OP, if you do it, get family therapy in place pronto.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure being with OP would be any better than foster care. Holy crap.