Son and DIL insulting vacation we paid for

[Anonymous]

OP - personally I’d just ignore them. It is a pain to set up a beach rental and the first 24 hrs might just be them letting off steam. When we get together (4 kids and their families/parents) I find that it takes time to just settle into vacation/togetherness mode. Calling them out at beginning of week will create friction that will color the rest of the trip. It’s the rare rental that’s perfect anyway so I’d just ignore it and head out to beach. It’s nice of you to rent the place but maybe you’ll learn that you can add in option that your kids contribute X amount if you’re at your limit or suggests ways to order ahead and have delivered.

[Anonymous]

I mean, OP could have asked all of her kids to split the cost, ghosted them during the day, spent most of her time in her room in the evenings, and then go on and on about what a wonderful vacation it was and how important it is to spend time with family. This is what my in laws do.

As others have pointed out son/DIL are expected to cook and clean (along with others) all week, so they are still paying with time and some $. Maybe next time tell everyone which beach house you've selected, that you ask everyone else to cook and clean, and be up front that if they'd like to stay elsewhere that is fine, you hope they can join for the beach and dinner. Or, make it a long weekend at a nicer place instead of a whole week.

[Anonymous]

I would just be upfront and say it's really bumming you out that they are complaining so much about the house.

It might just be their personalities, though - we were just out on vacation for a week with my in laws, staying in two truly spectacular places, that they were paying for!, and they complained about the places the whole time, too. It really bummed me out - I might suffer from a little toxic positivity - but it's just how they talk. My spouse assures me that they still really enjoyed the trip.

Maybe if you do this again you can just build in a little understanding that they are going to do some grumbling. But also I do sort of agree that if you can't sleep because the sun comes in too bright first thing, that's annoying. I also dislike having to make a bed on vacation or bring my own TP. Perhaps if you do this again just be sure you've read the reviews and can be assured that there's going to be enough supplies provided, and that even the non-master bedrooms are comfortable.

Also families are tricky! I hope you're still all enjoying the trip. Things don't have to be heaven or hell - they can just be a little bit of normal life - you like some of it, don't like some. I feel like that's part of being comfortable with people - that you can acknowledge the parts of something that aren't great, without putting your whole relationship at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, this hits home to me. My parents bought a beach house 30 years ago. They always made it feel like "our" house . . . we even got to vote on which house to put an offer on. And my dad always said, even if other people are using it, it's your house first and foremost.

Anyway, now I have chronic health problems and every time I go to the beach house I have a relapse. So I'm always telling my mom, "Maybe it's the mold on the wood panels in the bathroom. Maybe the air ducts need to be cleaned. I don't sleep well because the sun comes in so bright in the morning." These comments are in the context of my mom asking how I'm feeling but I realize I probably sound very ungrateful. The other day I took my tweens to an amusement park which isn't easy with my health problems, and they didn't say thank you and just took it for granted, and it made me think more about my mom's perspective. Hmmm . . .

All this is to say, they probably don't realize they are coming across as cranky. They probably still adultify you and assume that your interest is in their comfort. It's not my personality to make big waves, but I think speaking your truth is important. "I know this place isn't perfect, but we went to a lot of expense and trouble to spend time with you all. Your comments have me concerned that you're not having a good time. I don't think we can afford the kind of beach house you're hoping for without contributions from you kids." Etc. Basically, invite them to approach their feelings as adults, not as kids.

I am the PP with insomnia and agree it’s good to hear how some of these comments land. I probably have come across as rude in the past when I absolutely refused to go back to a vacation house with no curtains etc.

[Anonymous]

Tell them to stop complaining, and if they don’t like it, they can opt out next year. It sounds like your son is a spoiled brat. It’s never too late to start correcting that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG, I feel stressed just reading about OP's annual vacation from he11.
I can relate. Annual beach trips with inlaws in the same house are really not fun. Totally a stress fest.

My family does this and apparently we all have amnesia about how miserable it is. We have a ton of funny stories about brawls and drunken Aunts and Uncles, bratty kids, sun burns and jelly fish attacks.. hilarious memories. The best year was when when there was a hurricane evacuation after we were at the beach house 2 days. We left the beach and went on our own separate vacation elsewhere. That was much more fun.

You sound like a joy and a welcome addition to any family.

[Anonymous]

Complaining is terrible hobby, usually picked up by dull people with not much else to talk about.. It's just like gossiping.

They both can be stopped but only if the people doing it realize how ugly they sound, and that it represents bad character.

[Anonymous]

Cooking, cleaning, bringing own toilet paper and hand soap and not being able to sleep in because the curtains let all the light in sounds more like camping than a vacation. Which is fine, but I wouldn’t expect someone to be grateful for a “free vacation” if I basically arranged for us to all go camping together.

[Anonymous]

OP, your annual beach house time is the summer version of Christmas at your house. Everyone travel to you and they are your 'guests' with strings. So because they are under your 'roof', they should show gratitude and they owe you. So they buy food and cook to show gratitude. That's not enough, they must act happy for the opportunity to do this for you. They are just actors in the play authored by you.

So do a test OP. Next year ask everyone if they want you to get a beach house before you rent it. If they would rather spend their vacations elsewhere, don't rent it. Just go do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Some eye shades could solve the flimsy curtain problem.

[Anonymous]

This is interesting. I complain out loud about rentals I’ve paid for for sure. I’m just particular about places where I sleep. I guess that is kind of a downer. But complaining about things in a beach rental seems kinda par for the course. Most of the ones I’ve stayed in are run down and have things to complain about.

I think I’d have the sense to keep my mouth shut if my in laws had paid for it, though.

[Anonymous]

Try taking a sleep mask next year…..

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Our son and DIL haven’t joined us for our annual beach house vacation since before COVID, so we were thrilled that the came along this year and brought their two boys. DH and I pay for the rental, which is several thousand. We think it’s a very nice house and location. Our kids and their spouses contribute groceries and meals.

The son/DIL who haven’t joined in years have been complaining nonstop, calling it a “trip” and saying things like “these curtains are so flimsy, we can’t sleep in the morning” and saying “anytime you have to make up the bed and bring your own toilet paper, it’s not a vacation, it’s a trip.” They some of it jokingly, but have real complaints and annoyances about the house. No rental is perfect, but what can you expect? Should we ask them to stop?

Didn't you post before and we told you not everyone likes the beach nor finds a shared house comfortable. That is not really a vacation if you have to cook and clean. Did you take their needs and feelings into consideration?

It's an opportunity for the family to spend time in the same house. That's the point of it -- mature people like OP get this. Immature people like you and OP's son are still childish and think a family vacation should include roller coaster rides and cotton candy.

It's spending time together. They're lucky OP and their father care enough to do this for the family.

This is wonderful satire. Well-done.

I'm sure there are well adjusted, healthy, loving and emotionally functional adults who can see that it's not satire. Bitterness and sarcasm is a red flag, PP....

OP would do well to ask herself if she is as generous and well-intentioned as she claims, or if her gift comes with strings attached and a side of guilt. I agree her kid and DIL should keep their comments to themselves, but it still wouldn't hurt OP to consider if maybe there are other ways to spend time with family that meet everyone's needs and terms. Not just "I pay for this and I want this."

Well she's a human being so of course it comes with strings attached. Is wanting to spend time with her kids and their spouses really such a bad thing? I really wonder why people with attitudes like many on this thread even bother having children themselves. It's a huge amount of work and apparently there is no love so what's the point? I think people who are not even connected to their own family are sick and represent the end of society. It used to be, wow, we're not even connected to our neighbors. Now there's not even a connection to someone's mother or their spouse's mother.

That's f'd up.

Or maybe we are not obligated to spend time with those who do not bring us peace. To be clear, I am not saying OP is that type of person. But blood alone doesn't obligate you to be connected to anyone, to speak to your larger point. Family isn't owed anything if there is no mutual respect.

Yes they are owed something. They raised you. The relationship is not mutual. How entitled can you be to say you don't have to respect your parents for raising you unless they respect you for -- what, ***being*** raised?

You are an entitled brat.

Have you ever had a toxic or emotionally abusive family member? What you're saying certainly makes sense in a healthy, functional relationship. We don't "owe" a toxic person anything just for giving birth and keeping us alive.

Unlikely this applies to OP; this sub-thread veered off-course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Complaining is terrible hobby, usually picked up by dull people with not much else to talk about.. It's just like gossiping.

They both can be stopped but only if the people doing it realize how ugly they sound, and that it represents bad character.

If people are complaining, other people should listen, instead of telling them to stop complaining. OP can't tell people how to feel. She is shutting them down and telling them should feel differently. Don't complain, you should be grateful to spend your vacation time in a house with me - cooking and cleaning. I enjoy it, you should too.

[Anonymous]

It's apparent that there is some dysfunction in OP's family but OP wants the fam to be perfectly healthy and happy. She is blind to reality.