Son and DIL insulting vacation we paid for

[Anonymous]

Maybe take the feedback and rent a nicer place. Can you afford something nicer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“I didn’t raise you to be so ungracious about gifts, and inviting you to this quite costly beach rental was a gift. I can’t imagine what or who has taught you to be so hurtful and rude. Please remember you are setting an example for your children.”

No, just no.

[Anonymous]

"Hey, can you stop complaining? Since I'm paying, I'm sort of taking the complaints personally, you know. "

I would have no problem telling my adult kids this.

I completely understand where they're coming from, because I'm always the one who plans trips meticulously, and I'm invested in the hotels and rentals and activities I pick, after dozens of hours of research. So when certain things are not to my liking, usually I rationalize that I'm getting X, Y and Z from my selection, and the flimsy curtains or whatnot are a small price to pay for my overall happiness.

But my husband and my kids don't think like that. Since they haven't done the research, they don't know what's out there. They might not have chosen that trip (for my kids), and so don't feel particularly emotional invested in all the choices. And therefore, they feel the unpleasant things A LOT MORE than I do. And I understand this.

So your kids probably came because they love you, not the location. And they feel a bit uncomfortable. Please tell them that luxury rentals where every single detail is nigh-perfect are incredibly more expensive, and may not even exist at your chosen location. If they want that sort of thing, they'll have to pay for a large portion of it!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you guilt and pressure them about coming on your beach vacation and then expect them to be grateful for it?
When I'm on PTO I'd like to have it be my choice or have some perks that makes it worth my while.
If your son doesn't want to visit you of his own volition, there's not much you can do about it. He's a jerk, but then, maybe so are you.

The choice is whether to come. The perk is free lodging. Ì mean....

When people say stuff like this to me I am direct that it is the best I can afford and I'm sorry it doesn't measure up to their standards. (Like if my parents and adult brother want to visit, we can put brother in the guest/tv room and my parents in our room and bunk with the kids or in the couch, but it's true that our 1500 Sq foot house doesn't offer the space or privacy of an empty airbnb home, or even their larger home with twice as many bedrooms. It is the house we could afford, take it or leave it.)

They have free lodging at home.
It comes down to whether or not they want to spend their free time with you.
Sounds like the son and DIL didn't really want to blow their free time on this trip. So back to the original point - could be a jerk son, or jerk parent or both as the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

Disagree. They made a choice to come. Once you make the choice, you should be pleasant. Even if someone “guilts you” it is your choice.

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to stop complaining then I suggest you find your own place to stay for the rest of the week.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the parties can reasonably disagree on whether this is a “gift” vs an obligation. They’re contributing a lot of cash for groceries etc and it doesn’t sound like this is what they would likely pick for their own vacation.

So I think OP needs to drop the “gift” angle from the analysis.

So ignoring who’s paying for what or wants to be there or doesn’t want to be there……. Are the DH and his wifes comments rude in a vacuum? If this vacation cost each person exactly the same and there was no pressure on anyone to come, would these comments be inappropriate and unwanted? Or are they just observations?

They sound pretty innocuous to me, like if DH and I had booked a place just the two of us and the pots sucked, one of us would be like “whoa gonna be fun trying to cook dinner on these haha”. And no one would be offended. It sounds like OP is annoyed by the comments solely because she thinks they are indebted to her. And I don’t think the kids feel indebted to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you guilt and pressure them about coming on your beach vacation and then expect them to be grateful for it?
When I'm on PTO I'd like to have it be my choice or have some perks that makes it worth my while.
If your son doesn't want to visit you of his own volition, there's not much you can do about it. He's a jerk, but then, maybe so are you.

The choice is whether to come. The perk is free lodging. Ì mean....

When people say stuff like this to me I am direct that it is the best I can afford and I'm sorry it doesn't measure up to their standards. (Like if my parents and adult brother want to visit, we can put brother in the guest/tv room and my parents in our room and bunk with the kids or in the couch, but it's true that our 1500 Sq foot house doesn't offer the space or privacy of an empty airbnb home, or even their larger home with twice as many bedrooms. It is the house we could afford, take it or leave it.)

They have free lodging at home.
It comes down to whether or not they want to spend their free time with you.
Sounds like the son and DIL didn't really want to blow their free time on this trip. So back to the original point - could be a jerk son, or jerk parent or both as the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree.

Disagree. They made a choice to come. Once you make the choice, you should be pleasant. Even if someone “guilts you” it is your choice.

The kids aren’t being unpleasant. Sounds like they made a one off comment about having to buy their own tp, and the pots being in bad shape. These are pretty common sentiments of parents renting big vacation houses with kids. I have a bunch of colleagues who all did vacay beach rentals last week (separately) and the topic of our team meeting when they got back was how none of them felt like it was a vacation because you’re basically in overdrive tending to the kids the whole time. None of these people are whiners. I think these are pretty normal comments and the op’s “generosity” here was not of such a level that people have to be so gracious as to not be themselves all week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the parties can reasonably disagree on whether this is a “gift” vs an obligation. They’re contributing a lot of cash for groceries etc and it doesn’t sound like this is what they would likely pick for their own vacation.

So I think OP needs to drop the “gift” angle from the analysis.

So ignoring who’s paying for what or wants to be there or doesn’t want to be there……. Are the DH and his wifes comments rude in a vacuum? If this vacation cost each person exactly the same and there was no pressure on anyone to come, would these comments be inappropriate and unwanted? Or are they just observations?

They sound pretty innocuous to me, like if DH and I had booked a place just the two of us and the pots sucked, one of us would be like “whoa gonna be fun trying to cook dinner on these haha”. And no one would be offended. It sounds like OP is annoyed by the comments solely because she thinks they are indebted to her. And I don’t think the kids feel indebted to her.

DP. I cannot imagine saying any of those comments to my parents if we were their guests at a vacation rental and they were paying for the accommodations. The son and daughter-in-law are being downright rude to their hosts. It is one thing to make comments like that to your spouse when you're alone but entirely a different ball of wax to say them in public or in front of the hosts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like the parties can reasonably disagree on whether this is a “gift” vs an obligation. They’re contributing a lot of cash for groceries etc and it doesn’t sound like this is what they would likely pick for their own vacation.

So I think OP needs to drop the “gift” angle from the analysis.

So ignoring who’s paying for what or wants to be there or doesn’t want to be there……. Are the DH and his wifes comments rude in a vacuum? If this vacation cost each person exactly the same and there was no pressure on anyone to come, would these comments be inappropriate and unwanted? Or are they just observations?

They sound pretty innocuous to me, like if DH and I had booked a place just the two of us and the pots sucked, one of us would be like “whoa gonna be fun trying to cook dinner on these haha”. And no one would be offended. It sounds like OP is annoyed by the comments solely because she thinks they are indebted to her. And I don’t think the kids feel indebted to her.

I agree with dropping the gift angle. And, one or two comments if something was particularly bad is no big deal. But as adults taking a trip with other adults, constant small complaints would get them dropped from my list of people to vacation with. It's simply too tiresome. OP is on the hook, though, because these are the parents of her grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I think context is important. If they are truly eager to do a big family vacation and they cannot afford to stay at the beach on their own, they should be gracious.

If there is family pressure and guilt trips and they feel like to keep the peace, they must come, then of course they will be resentful. It's up to them to take the high road and decide they will not do this again and they will plan and pay for their own vacations.

Just don't be the parents who manipulate everyone into coming and one no amount of "thank yous" is enough. If they are doing you a favor by giving in then now you see the resentment drips out.

[Anonymous]

I would just say, enough complaining, Brian! We already heard you about the curtains.

On the other hand I was just at a beach house and the curtains were terrible and the bed was uncomfortable and I slept badly. I did not complain, but if it had been my parents' rental I might have, and my parents would probably have agreed with me. I don't think they would have taken it personally to blame the house. I don't know--I can see how your son's behavior is annoying, but this kind of trip is hard and stressful for parents of young kids and I think regarding it as a "free vacation" you're giving them doesn't really understand their POV either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's your kid, you can correct him. "Sorry this free house at the beach doesn't meet your expectations!" is mild but still pointed enough. Or just tell him he's being rude.

No, the vacation was not free for your son and his spouse as they had to provide groceries and meals.

Your son and spouse may think that they are offering constructive criticism, but they are doing so to excess. Just tell them that you understand their criticism and would prefer that any further discussion focus on positive thoughts about the vacation.

They would have to pay to eat at home so they really aren't out anything on that end. They sound ungrateful and annoying. Just ignore or use the "sorry it's not good enough". The trip/vacation is what you make of it and looks like they've decided to be pills determined not to enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

Al beach rentals are like that. Just do a search on DCUM re owners of beach re take and why they don’t have nicer items in the houses (bc people will steal them). Some don’t even have curtains at all.

Tell them to pivot and use their beach towels as curtains for example. There are so many worse things in the world than old pots and pans, etc. It’s the nature of the beast when renting a beach house. They need to deal.

[Anonymous]

I hear yo.u -- on the other hamd ,there are tons of posts here in which kids feel presured to use their limited vacation time (which may be a lot more precious to them than rental money) to honor your request

[Anonymous]

They’re clearly being rude but the sentiments are fine. We occasionally cave to intense pressure and guilt trips to go on a vacation my in laws pay for (at their insistence) to a place we don’t enjoy, staying in accommodations that they like but we would never choose. We would never say out loud what your son and dil do but the fact is we are there as a favor to them, using our precious vacation time and it in no way feels like vacation.

Say something if you like but be prepared for them to never join you again.

A more constructive approach might be discussing some type of rotating of who gets final say on family vacation plan-when it’s your year you pick beach, their year they can pick lake house if they prefer, etc.